Hip Hop Grandmom

Anthropomorphism and religion

2012-03-04T20:54:00.000+05:30

In the course of looking up for material for my presentation in the seminar I came across the term anti anthropomorphism among tribals of Nilgiri districts and a preference for a cosmic religion. Anthropomorphism pertains to attributing human traits to gods as we see in the commonly accepted and practiced form of Hinduism. Yes, we do have saguna and nirguna forms of meditation and the explanation given is that it is easier to concentrate on a deity with a form in the initial stages and one could graduate to worshipping the formless cosmic energy (call it God) later. I do agree. As children we did look for illustrations in our lessons and only when we reached higher classes could we understand lessons on a conceptual basis.

Attributing a form to our gods makes us recognize gods by certain traits. Lord Rama is visualized as bearing a bow and arrow, Lord Krishna with a flute and Lord Ganesh with an elephant face. Worshippers of nature and the elements like the tribals of Jharkhand worship the Sal tree during Sarhul and Karam tree during Karma Puja. I remember being confused when my Christian friends would question our wisdom in worshipping the sun and the sacred basil saying that they were creations of god and need not be worshipped. I could not defend myself then nor do I want to now because religion to me is a way of life and god is not a formidable task master waiting to punish his children for their mistakes. Nature worship needs to be seen as man’s way of conserving biodiversity. Heaven and hell do not await us after death. We experience hell when we suffer and heaven when we get the fruit of our labor in this very life.

Coming to anthropomorphism, I have just one problem with it. When we give our gods a human form don’t we also imagine that they have human qualities? Don’t we ask for wish fulfillment and offer to break coconuts or feed the poor in lieu of the boon that is granted? Don’t we think that god’s need to be pleased with offerings for favors? Don’t we fear the worst if for some reason one is not able to fulfill a promise he/she made to god. To my mind God understands everything including our unjust demands and if a particular incident that is not acceptable does happen, with the passage of time we do realize that whatever happened was for good. I have seen this happen umpteen times in my own life.

Feeding the poor, distributing blankets in winter, donating for a good cause need to be done spontaneously with an inner desire to give back to society a little of what society gave to us. The God factor is good as long as it helps us lead a purposeful, honest life with concern for the world around us. If one’s faith in God enables a balanced approach to life, enabling one to treat success and failure as part of our learning purpose, it hardly matters if our God has a form or not. But when I see God being used to flaunt one’s power, to cover up one’s mistakes to look down upon fellow men I cannot help wondering if such people are truly God fearing? Aren’t those among us who are true to their conscience better advocates of the God factor?

2012-02-16T15:46:00.002+05:30

Hi friends,
Have been away for long. Was very busy helping out with the proof reading /editing /compiling the abstracts for the Odia department seminar in our college. Finally the seminar is over and the souvenir has been released. Should hopefully find some time to write before my departmental seminar starts staring at my face. Yes, we have our own national seminar coming up and the dates are 27th and 28th march 2012. We are a department of 5 people whereas my friend nalini was running her department alone. So I expect to be less stressed in my own seminar. Valuable lessons learnt from mistakes committed during the organazing of the odia seminar will hopefully come handy.
Between you and me, husband is threatening to divorce me if I mention the word seminar in his hearing. Poor man has been bored to death. Remember I am his soul cum sole mate! I am not worried though. After all I am his "only You" and however much he rolls his eyes he needs me around. After all the TV or sofa sets cannot talkor for that matter listen!

Playing the moderator.

2012-01-01T20:21:00.001+05:30

Have you ever tried to settle children’s quarrel? I did and failed miserably when my brother’s children picked up a quarrel and dragged me into it. This happened 10 years ago but I feel amused when I recall the incident. By then my daughters were married and my son was in college. I was terribly out of touch with children in their pre teens.

The three of them belong to two sets of parents. The two girls Shruti and Shweta are sisters and little Vishnu is their cousin. My brothers live close by and there is a regular interaction between the two families. The family had come together to attend my mother’s funeral and the rites connected to her death were being performed. It so happened that Shweta the younger of the two sisters had been sleeping when the older one went off to play with Vishnu and a few other friends. Naturally Shweta was upset on being left out. By the time she got ready to join them the other two returned home. It was already 11 in the morning and it was very hot outside. Shweta wanted them to accompany her but the other two were done for the morning. The conversation that followed was something like this –

Shweta: Why didn’t you take me along?

Shruti: You were sleeping.

Shweta: You should have woken me up.

Vishnu: We did. But you didn’t get up.

Shweta: Did you shake me up?

Shruti: We called out to you but you did not get up.

Shweta: That means you didn’t wake me up. I would have woken up if you had shaken me.

Then she announced –

I am going out with athai (me) none of you will come.

Vishnu: Why? Athai belongs to all of us. You alone cannot go out with her.

Shweta: Oh, yes I can. Because you both went to play without me.

Shruti: Athai would never agree to it. She would either take all of us out or none of us.

I began to panic. I was being dragged into their quarrel for nothing. What do I do now?

Me: It is very hot outside. I am not going anywhere.

Shweta looks a bit disappointed. Her face then brightens up.

“We’ll go out in the evening. Won’t we athai?”

Vishnu: What time athai?

Shweta: You are NOT coming with us.

Vishnu: We went out to play without you in the morning. But we are going out in the evening. Morning and evening are different.

Shweta: They are not. You guys were mean to leave me out. And Athai will never take you both along.

I wondered if I had a say in the matter. Was there a way I could resolve the issue without taking sides? Should I feign a headache and refuse to go out? But Shweta had set her heart on going out with me and expected me to take her side since she had been ‘wronged’.

I made the mistake of trying to arbitrate.

Me: I’ll take Shweta out and get a cone ice cream each for all of you. You can be friends after that.

Shruti: We’re staying home so Vishnu and I get two ice creams each.

Shweta: Why?

Shruti: Because you are going out and we’re staying home.

Shweta: You guys left me out and went out to play. So I get two ice creams. And I hope the ice cream melts by the time we get home.

Vishnu: That’s not fair. You can’t go out and have two ice creams too.

A fresh round of argument follows and no solution in sight.

I felt that the mothers alone could tackle the situation so I called for them.

Shweta’s mom S…. pitched in.

S….: Who woke up late this morning.

Vishnu and Shruti: Shweta.

S….. : How do we punish her?

It was okay for Vishnu and Shruti to quarrel with Shweta but they certainly don’t want her to be punished by an adult.

Shruti: It’s alright. Shweta can go out with athai. We’ll stay home.

Shweta mellows down.

Shweta: You both can come along. It would be so much fun. Athai can you take all of us out this evening? We’ll play ‘dashing cars’ for a while and come home.

I was left wondering if the children had actually quarreled or if I was imagining things.

Retirement Blues.......

2011-12-15T20:04:00.002+05:30

I expect to have a busy year 2012. I may or may not have time to come up with my regular blog posts. Yes, we have 4 seminars coming up and I will be involved in 2 of them in a big way and 1 in a lesser role. Then we have a minor research project for which I am a Co Investigator. So finally at the fag end of my career and that too when my retirement age has been extended by 2 years (I ought to have retired in Jan. 2011) I have my hands full.

Last week we had an unexpected visitor. An ex student paid us a surprise visit along with her husband and 4 year old daughter. She spoke of her student life in our college. When she spoke of me she remembered how angry she would be when her practical work and record would be criticized but added that whatever I had insisted upon has served its purpose. Every stroke, every line and every point made by me is etched in her memory and helped her during her masters and B. Ed courses.

“Not a day goes by when I do not tell my students about you all Ma’am. Even if you would scold us it was as if we were your children. There was something very warm and affectionate about all of you that touched a cord in our hearts. It was never the same in B. Ed or PG”. She added.

True. Ours is a college with a difference. I do not know what my career would have been had I joined some other place. We are one big family in our college and I am going to miss it when I retire in 2013.

When I talk of retirement I cannot help bring up my husband’s retirement and how it has affected my life. Most of what has been written in this post of mine applies to me too. This very afternoon I remembered that I had to talk to my tailor because he was not present when I left a friend’s blouse piece at his shop. He could not hear me properly and I had to repeat sentences.

“Who are you talking to?” Asked my husband from the bedroom.

I could not stop mid sentence so I continued talking to the tailor.

“Who were you talking to?” He asked when I was done.

“The tailor” I said. “Is it any problem of yours? And why do you have to be told things in the middle of a telephonic conversation, eh? Can’t you wait till I am done?”

The problem is that he feels left out. And this is just one example. I have a friend called Prema who begins her conversation with-

“Isn’t Padma at home?” Or “Please call Padma”.

My better half gets upset and says “As if I am no one in the house”. I have dropped hints but Prema does not understand and my husband continues to get upset.

“Why don’t you enquire after her?” I ask. If this was a solution my husband would find other means to show that I was primarily his property. Others could have my time but with his permission. It is flattering and frustrating to be so much in demand.

Now about retirement activities. The author in the aforementioned article says that her husband would read the news paper aloud and get riled over Fox News. Mine is no better. He too finds reasons to get riled. Let me elaborate.

There is a Sai Baba statue in a hospital near our house. We prostrate before the deity and proceed for our morning walk. People offer flowers/incense sticks/ camphor/ sugar candy etc to the deity. Sometimes they bring a lot of fresh flowers, place a handful at the deity’s feet and leave the rest to be used by other devotees. According to my husband there is a man whom he calls ‘Topiwallah’ who takes away flowers and stuff. He gets upset if I ask him to keep to himself. He is determined not to let the man have his way. He now takes along with him a polythene carry bag, picks up flowers and other stuff and puts them into it, hides it behind the statue and replaces them after we return from our morning walk after making sure that the ‘Topiwallah’ has gone. The devotees who bring flowers do not seem to worry but my husband does and I get to hear of his ‘outsmarting’ activities on a daily basis. It seems Topiwallah for his part has changed his timings not having the courage to steal flowers in my husband’s presence. As if he is a CID officer, uh!

One day my husband spotted him on our way back and muttered something under his breath.

“What do you have against this man?” I asked. The truth was that our topiwallah had changed his cap and I did not recognize him. Now it was my husband’s turn to get upset with me.

“You see him everyday and yet don’t recognize him.”

“He wears a white cap doesn’t he?”

A man may change his cap but not his face but I recognize caps and sweaters never faces. My husband almost disowned me. I wish he had. At least temporarily. That morning I was subjected to a looooooooong lecture on remembering/forgetting faces and could not work on my Sudoku and crossword.

Another of his pastime is to keep cash in the oddest of places. Like under the sofa cushion. When I check the locker and do not find cash there I assume that there is no money in the house. He feels empowered when I ask him and takes it out from unimaginable corners of the house. And that too with a mischievous grin. The problem is that at times he keeps it in one place and looks for it elsewhere.

“Why do you do it?” I demand.

“To make sure that we do not run short of money”. He says.

Now I call that silly. If at the age of sixty and sixty eight we haven’t learnt to plan our expenses I don’t know what we have learnt in all these years. I think that this is his way of killing time.

I sometimes wonder if I too will drive him up the wall once I retire. I hope not but I cannot promise.

Women empowerment - a myth?

2011-12-04T21:09:00.003+05:30

The past three weeks have been busy. We had a National Seminar on “Women empowerment and Microenterprise” and we had an amazing woman as the chief guest on the opening day of the seminar. She is a retd. IAS officer, a former Vice Chancellor and is now an active core group resource person with the University Grants Commission. She is currently involved in giving managerial training to university teachers. That she symbolized women empowerment was one thing but for a person with such an impressive profile she was so simple and down to earth that I understood that there was truth in the Tamil saying ‘niraikudam thalumbadu’ that roughly translates as – water will not spill out if the pot is filled to the brim. And can you believe that the lady is around 78/79 years? She came all the way to Jamshedpur from Kerala for the seminar and the entire college became her fans. She is now in great demand with many others wanting to invite her for functions at their establishments.

That said, I wish to share some interesting points brought up at the seminar.

Mrs. Padma Ramachandran, the lady who was the chief guest, admitted to herself feeling a little vulnerable at times despite the fact that she is much better placed than many other women in terms of empowerment. She recalled that the cab driver who drove her from Kolkata airport to Howrah station was perhaps a little drunk and was driving erratically. And she did feel scared about her safety and suddenly felt a little uneasy and wondered what she would do if something happened to her on the way- even a small accident? She quoted someone known to her as saying that when women organize functions there is a lot of color and no substance. She advised us not to stop with organizing the seminar and submitting a report. Take it forward and do your bit to help women in your area to stand up for themselves was her message.

Her words made me think hard. Women empowerment is very much like the elephant in the story of the four blind men. There are so many angles to it and each one perceives it the way they want to. There were a few male research scholars/lecturers who presented their papers. There appeared to be a welcome shift in the attitude of men and we had speakers among them who supported the need to empower women. A paper on the empowered status of muslim who had property rights, control over the mehar amount given at the time of marriage etc. was particularly interesting. I wondered if the community allows them to exercise the right accorded to them.

Another question raised was why a woman’s income is called supplementary - Why not complementary?

There was another interesting story about a gentleman whose wife would wash clothes and ask him to dry them out on the terrace. Earlier he would throw furtive glances around him and make sure that no one was watching him drying clothes. Today he proudly looks around and makes sure that the neighbors definitely saw him in action!

Another point that came up was from our bank manager who spoke on micro finance. While he agreed that women were more credit worthy and took care to repay bank loans, they were often restricted in their endeavors due to lack of education. He quoted the example of a vegetable vendor – a woman – who took 15 minutes to calculate that ten 5 rupee coins amounted to 50 rupees. She was convinced only when another vendor – a man – confirmed that the manager had indeed paid her fifty rupees. His talk emphasized the need to provide basic education to women before encouraging them to handle small enterprises.

On the whole the seminar was an enlightening experience to me. I particularly liked the point made by the DC of East Singhbhum who was the chief guest for the closing ceremony. She said that women were already efficiently managing finances and running the household. They are psychologically equipped to deal with adverse conditions that befall the family. All that society needs to do is to awaken the inherent inner strength and help women develop it.

Finally my own conclusions –

Women can only call themselves empowered if they are included in decision making processes at home.
Women need to play a supportive rather than a detrimental role in establishing enterprises run by fellow women.
Women need to have spending rights. I do not mean spending the husband's money. I talk of the money they earn!
While one claims empowerment as a right it is also a responsibility. Society in general is quick to criticize the efforts of a woman. She would have to develop a sense of accountability instead of hiding behind her man at the slightest criticism. Admitting failure is no insult. Remember failure is a stepping stone to success.
Women need to trust themselves before expecting others to have faith in them.

On education.........

2011-11-19T12:15:00.002+05:30

Time and again I have been lamenting on the plight of our school going children who are not enjoying their school life the way we did. Competition is stiff and the children need to perform they say. What exactly is performance? Getting a good rank? Coming 1^st in class? Will rote learning that children are presently subjected to help in the long run? Many of you are young mothers and I really want to know what is going on?

A recent report in Hindustan Times claimed that a grade IV student in a government school was not able to solve problems in math of the grade II level. Teachers were not able to answer questions from the lesson they were teaching. We would all like to take up government jobs because accountability is almost nil. But are private institutions any better? We have a bunch of kids in our complex that would be playing in the campus when I returned from work. They were probably in their primary school. I would have to be careful while entering the compound and parking my car. One never knew from where a little boy or girl would come running. Of late I noticed that there were no children playing downstairs. Where had they gone? There was a super expensive coaching class being run from a newly built multi-storey building in our neighborhood and at least 20 children from our complex were being sent there for coaching. They had subject teachers tutoring them from 3 to 6 in the afternoon. The children would be forced to learn since they would not be sent home unless they finished mugging up for a test or completed their home work. A little girl known to me was detained till 8 in the evening because she was taking longer to learn. The girl was so tired that she went off to sleep without having her supper.

What is wrong with young mothers? Why are they not able to handle children in the 1^st or 2^nd grade? Most of them are stay at home moms. Do these children have to compromise on their play time? Will they not lose their love for learning? I am appalled to say the least. All these children come from fairly affluent families and go to reputed English medium schools. Is the school over burdening the children? I hear that some schools in town do not allow the children to write answers in their own words. The teacher marks out the answer in the text book and they just have to reproduce it word to word. Just out of curiosity I asked a boy in Grade V to describe his hobby in 5 simple sentences. As I expected his language lacked imagination and he could not write beyond the 3^rd sentence. He simply could not think for himself. He has never been encouraged to do so. He has also been packed off to the above mentioned coaching class. Teachers do not encourage children to write out answers in their own language since it would mean additional work for them.

Why am I worried? Long back a friend said in jest that we Indians could never be leaders. We are happy being followers. I disagreed. I gave the example of my own brothers who had studied in Gobichettipalayam with Tamil as their medium of instruction and recounted their efforts to stand out among their peers. I wonder if I’d be able to defend our present school goers with the same zeal. If schools are going to churn out robots what can I do with them at the undergrad level? We have students who have opted for Botany Honors because they were not offered admission in any other subject. These girls do not have an idea about the basics of Biology. I have to start with cell organelles and often give up midway because nothing that I say seems to register in their minds. I cannot be expected to start from grade IV level.

Things were not this bad even till about 4 years back. I recall the golden days when I took up my job as Lab in charge. The girls would take 5 minutes to settle down for their practical class. They would discuss the lesson taught in theory. Their enthusiasm would be contagious. Most of them did not have educated mothers. But they were schooled by dedicated teachers who saw to it that they got their basics right. I am afraid that these days teachers expect parents to teach their wards and parents particularly mothers do not have the confidence to teach children in their pre teens let alone children in high school classes. Coaching centers are mushrooming and it seems easiest to pack them off to tuition classes and relax.

My advice to young mothers would be to encourage your child to think for him/herself. He may take a while longer but will benefit more. I am not going to be working when these kids move on to college. It is in the interest of making the best use of the intellectual resource of our country that I write. The available potential in the form of youth energy needs to be groomed and utilized.

Lost love. Who was the loser?

2011-11-06T21:29:00.004+05:30

I’ve just finished reading ‘Lost Love’ by Arshia Sattar. The book made me change my opinion of Sita who was asked to prove her chastity not once but twice by her husband. Earlier, I would feel sorry for her plight and wonder how she could agree to publicly prove her loyalty to her husband? I mean, do these things have to be proved? Aren’t they understood? Sita, however, was married to the King of Ayodhya and her situation was perhaps different to mine and yours. But Arshia Sattar analyzes her action from a different perspective. The first time she is asked to prove her chastity, having lived in Ravana’s palace for a reasonably long period, she is perhaps too shocked to react and goes through the ritual of entering the burning flames without giving too much thought to the humiliation that she had been subjected to. According to mythology, the Gods including the fire god Agni declare her chaste and her husband takes their testimony to be authentic and accepts her.

Rama abandons her a second time on hearing his subjects gossip about her chastity and questioning the paternity of her unborn child since she is now pregnant. She gives birth to twins in the hermitage of Valmiki Rishi who offers her a home and shelter. Her sons are trained to sing the story of their valiant father. Rama, on hearing them sing and on the basis of Valmiki’s assertion that Sita was indeed chaste, relents and agrees to take her back provided she proves her chastity in the presence of his subjects.

This time however, Sita has spent a long time speculating over the treatment meted out to her and when she is thus humiliated a second time, she invokes Mother Earth to create a chasm and take her in as proof of her chastity. She is happy to see her sons united to the father but has no interest in joining him as his queen. For all we know there may be several more reasons and occasions for Rama to keep asking her to prove her chastity time and again. This is an insult that she could do without. It is her turn to abandon her husband who has to live with guilt for the rest of his life. This aspect of her personality is what women need to uphold in their lives. They ought to be accountable to their own selves for their actions and none other.

The plight of Sita in the epic raises a lot of questions in my mind. Are womenfolk any better today? Are not women considered as property that needs to be transferred from one proprietor to another from childhood to old age? The girl has to just turn 18 and her parents start worrying. She needs to be safeguarded till her husband takes over. The husband does not even have to be eligible. He just has to be a man. If her marriage fails it is usually her fault. She did not try hard enough. Her husband fell for his colleague/neighbor/any one in the whole world and abandoned her because she could not be the ideal wife that he merited. Never mind that he was less than perfect himself. Even if she was herself was above blame she had to put up with his wayward behavior because she would not receive any support from her maternal home. When I see women subjected to all kinds of humiliation by society I feel Sita was better off. She led a peaceful life in the forest raising her sons instead of having to listen to her chastity being questioned by every male in town.

Are financially empowered women any better? They have the freedom to leave home and spend a few hours in their work place. I wouldn’t know how it is today. When I was growing up, I had a cousin employed in a nationalized bank and one of the conditions laid down by her in laws was that she should hand over her entire salary to her mother in law and accept a pocket allowance that the MIL thought was appropriate. I do not know if the arrangement continues these days. I was lucky that my mother in law was assertive herself and encouraged me to stand up for myself. She would advise me not to let my husband micro-manage my life. Those were days when I was not working and my husband would give my MIL spending money. Once the money came into her hands she would let me handle it but would never let my husband question the running of the household.

“That much freedom is yours by right” she would say. “Don’t give it up ever.”

Today is her 33^rd death anniversary. I spent just 5 years with her and for the last one and a half years she was bed ridden. But the impact she made lasts till now. I wonder how many are that lucky. My advice to young women is to be in charge of their lives. Men may resent it initially but once they realize that you are equally capable of running the house and deciding things, they will gladly acknowledge your role as an equal partner. After all who does not want a supporting hand?

Abandoning the girl child........

2011-10-30T17:44:00.003+05:30

I was watching a talk show in a Tamil channel and was impressed by what one of the speakers had to say. She was abandoned at a bus stand by her father at the age of 5. She is unable to recall her mother’s face but remembers the color of the sari she was wearing when her father took her to the bus stand following a quarrel with her mother, told her that he would be back soon but never returned. She was given food and shelter by a family who made her look after a sick person for ten long years but she was probably treated well because she still refers to them as amma and appa. She would call the son of the family anna and the grandfather as thatha. Though had to work for a living she has no bitter memories of the time spent with them.

When she turned 15, the lady of the house or ‘amma’ as she calls her, passed away. The father of the household sent her to work for some relative of theirs but she came back to him when she sensed the possibility of being sexually abused by two married sons in the family. Not knowing what to do with her, the master got her married to a 49 year old man who was probably a sick person because he passed away within 2 years of their marriage. She had a son by him. With no money and no one to support her, she took up the job of sweeping and cleaning the premises of a church when a kind hearted man married her and accepted her child as his own. She has a son by her second husband and her condition has now vastly improved. Her husband works in the Middle East and they have a house of their own. She just has one lingering desire. She wants her husband to help her seek out her parents particularly her mother. He has promised to do whatever he can to help her trace her birth mother.

“What purpose will it serve” asked the host of the show. She remembers her parents’ names but little else. She is perhaps in her mid twenties with dreams of a bright future for her sons. She has a caring husband and everything a girl of her age could ask for. Would it not be better to put her unhappy past behind and start a new life? Why would she want to rake up unpleasant memories of her past?

Her response brought tears to my eyes.

“I just want to know if my father deliberately abandoned me or if it was a case of unintentional negligence.”

She perhaps wants to confirm what she had believed all along – that her parents did not abandon her on purpose and she perhaps got ‘lost’.

“What if you find out that it was an act of willful abandonment?” asked the host.

“I would think that circumstances were such that they were forced to abandon me. No parent would deliberately leave a five year old daughter to fend for herself.”

I was full of admiration for this young woman. Anyone in her place would have been full of resentment for the father who left her stranded in a crowded bus stand. Anything could have happened to her were it not for the family who took her along. They did not educate her and made her do odd jobs. But they did not exploit her sexually or otherwise. She remembers that she had 3 sisters and a brother all older than her.

“Why me?” would be the question she ought to ask. But she has cherished warm feelings of affection and love for them instead of hatred. God bless you my child. How could your parents discard you without a thought? But then why should I think they abandoned her? It is perhaps human nature to be suspicious. Jessie, as the girl is now called, was unique not to think ill of them.

Children who complain that their parents did not provide them well enough should learn a lesson from the likes of Jessie. I do hope she is able to locate her parents and I pray that she is right in her assessment about them.

A Happy Deepavali!

2011-10-26T22:10:00.004+05:30

Another Deepavali gone by and we are almost nearing the end of year 2011. Who would have thought that Osama bin Laden and Gaddafi would both meet their ends? To my mind the significance of Deepavali – the ultimate victory of good over evil – has been achieved by the end of these two who unleashed terror among their fellow men. Another war against corruption is on. I wonder if it is as easy for society to fight corruption that has so many shades to it. But of course it should not stop one from making an effort. Every small step would be a move forward and each step matters. Let this Deepavali awaken the desire to fight against social evils.The mythological character Ravan with 10 heads symbolizes the evils in society that need to be conquered. And what better occasion than Deepavali to resolveto do our bit to achieve it?

Deepavali brings along with it memories of the past. 38 years ago we celebrated our ‘thalai Deepavali’ or the first Deepavali after our marriage. I was upset that we did not celebrate it at my maternal home as per tradition, but considering the expense involved I could not do much. Mymother in law hinted that we could go provided my mother took care of our traveling expenses. I was determined that I would not encourage the practice even if it meant that I had to stay back. I felt that if I gave in, my mother may be expected to pay our train fare on every visit. My mother later advised me not to be harsh on my mother in law. It was difficult for a middle class family to shell out money for the trip soon after the wedding. Those were days when I had not understood my Mil for the person she was. If someone had told me at that point of time that I would learn to love and respect her and understand her point of view, I would have laughed at their face. But that is beside the point.

Coming to our ‘thalai’ Deepavali, my mother in law really made it memorable. She prepared all the sweets herself. A drum (capacity10 kgs) full of mixture or ‘chana chur’ as it is called here,101 boondi laddoos, apart from milk cake, namkins, burfee and what not. My father in law lit a mud hearth fuelled by fossil coal, fire wood, cow dung cakes etc on Deepavali day around 3:30 in the morning and water for the oil bath was heated in a huge aluminum pot that would hold 3 buckets of water.Sesame oil was warmed and a generous amount of pepper and turmeric was added to it. My sister in law made a beautiful rangoli at the door step and in front of the altar where pictures and idols of Gods were kept. New clothes were purchased for all members of the family and arranged in sets and placed in front of the altar. They were blessed with the application of kumkum in a corner. My mother in law applied oil on our heads and when each member had finished bathing she would hand out the new clothes meant for the person. We accepted the clothes after prostrating at her feet and wore them. She then made us prostrate at the puja altar and at my father in law’s feet to seek his blessings. Finally distribution of sweets began around 6 in the morning. Somewhere between the time we woke up and left home to distribute sweets, crackers would be burst. We were around 10 Tamilian families in the neighborhood and we’d burst crackers at dawn to make our presence felt.

The practice continued for several years as long as my father in law was alive and till date as far as practicable. The mud hearth was replaced by a heater and the aluminum pot replaced with a smaller steel one. Finally even that was abandoned when a geyser was installed in the bathroom. Sweets are prepared with the same enthusiasm but in lesser amount. The early morning oil bath has been replaced with shampoo bath after my father in law’s death. This morning I suddenly missed the aluminum pot and mud hearth. True, water gets heated in minutes so to say. But it is the involvement that has gone missing. My father in law would purchase fire wood and fossil coal after making sure that they were dry enough. He would chop thefire wood and break the coal into smaller pieces. All this went into preparations for Deepavali and would begin at least a week before. He would also watch out for the postman, night watchman, the sweeper all of whom would be given generous amounts of sweets. He would then ask us to pack sweets and savory for his senior citizen friends who would meet each evening in a neighboring park. The park is still there and I missed my father in law when I stood in my balcony this morning watching people practicing yoga or jogging in the park. My FIL did not have to exercise; he was active till the age of 75 and would fetch vegetables, grocery etc. He never took an auto and would walk to the local market and come back with a bagful in each hand.

I was a little upset about having to spend the day alone after having been exposed to a joint family set up earlier. But a phone call from my granddaughter cheered me.

“Amma, I had an oil bath. Mommyput mehandi (henna) in my hand on Sunday. I told my friends about Diwali. They hadn’t heard of it before. Mommy has made a lot of sweets and has packed somefor my friends too. Happy Diwali to you and tatha. We’re having a Diwali party on Sunday.”

Oil bath?? Distribution of sweets?I was touched. My daughters were trying to cling on to tradition – the way they had seen it being followed as children. And here I was complaining that childrendo not make sweets, they just buy them. True joint families of yester years are not feasible any more. But it is also my duty to be happy for them and accept the change that is part of an evolving social set up and bless them even if from a distance. I learnt a valuable lesson and I hope I always remember it.

A happy Diwali to all of you.

The good ones in my life

2011-10-19T22:24:00.002+05:30

We hear a lot about dowry menace and bride burning these days. I am going to narrate an incidence with a difference.

Long back in the 1930s when my maternal grandfather wished to get his eldest daughter married he had settled on a dowry of Rs. 5000.00. The boys family was good and they offered to give her diamond ear rings and nose stud and the ‘koorai’ sari ie. The 9 yards sari that she would wear when the groom would tie the knot with the traditional ‘tali’ or mangalsutra as it is popularly known would be gifted by the groom’s parents.

Due to some communication gap the groom’s father understood that my grandfather would bear the cost of the diamond ear ring that was around Rs.500/- and he started acting difficult on the day prior to the marriage. My grandfather was just around 37 years old and this was the first wedding in the family. The groom’s father was a magistrate in Bangalore and had come across as a very reasonable person during the negotiations. If one gave in under pressure, the probability of further demands in cash and kind could not be ruled out. And he had 4 more daughters to marry off. My grandfather insisted that he had not agreed to pay for the ear ring and the boy’s father claimed that he had indeed agreed to pay for it. It appeared as if the wedding would be called off and every one was upset. Then the unexpected happened.

The groom took my grandfather aside and asked him to be patient. He assured him that his parents were not greedy for a hefty amount in the name of dowry. There has been a genuine misunderstanding and they were as suspicious of my grandfather’s intention as he was of theirs. Finally he said-

“I request you to pay up the 500/- rupees that he is asking for. You will see for yourself how well they would treat your daughter. It is all due to some communication gap and in my opinion all will be well if only you relent. I leave it to you.”

My grandfather gave in albeit a trifle grudgingly. But my uncle’s words were prophetic so to say. My eldest aunt was treated like a daughter in their house and my uncle’s parents were the most accommodating among our relatives by marriage or otherwise. They stood by my grandfather’s side through thick and thin and my uncle was a son in law that every father in law would love to have. I shall soon do a post highlighting the warm and affectionate relationship between my aunt and her mother in law. I have already mentioned it in an earlier post written in 2 parts but I want to recount the lighter side. I feel blessed to have been surrounded by so much goodness in my formative years.

It may not be out of place to mention that my aunt had no children and upon her death her family returned the jewelry given to her by my grandfather to my maternal uncle because she had no children to inherit it. By then my uncle had also died and her mother in law was long gone. This was perhaps the only case that I've heard of when jewelry given as dowry was returned by the family some 50 years after it was given. They were indeed good people.

A Pregnancy Story - mine of course - a passport to a healthy pregnancy.

2011-10-15T19:16:00.007+05:30

I don't think I ought to be competing with the supermoms of the current generation. I wish to share my experience just to warn young mothers to be about how a little ignorance and indifference can turn your pregnancy into a nightmare. All this happened 37 years ago and times are different now. However, a little caution will not harm. It is a long narrative. Please bear with me as you always have. Here goes my entry for -

It seems odd to share pregnancy tips with young girls after becoming a grandmother to four adorable grandchildren. However, I wish to share my story just as a warning to would be mothers and first time grandmothers.

Thirty seven years ago at the age of 23 I did not know how to react to the news of my being pregnant. I had no knowledge of what to expect. Oh yes, my mother in law fussed over me since the family was going to hear baby sounds after a gap of 21 years and every one was thrilled. To be fair to her, she took me for regular check ups and the doctors prescribed folic acid capsules that she made me take right in front of her eyes. She prepared special dishes for me and after the initial misgivings we bonded really well. As long as I was in Jamshedpur it was a very normal pregnancy and I was totally unprepared to face the trouble that awaited me.

As was the custom I went to my mother’s place for my first delivery. In fact it was the first time after marriage that I got to spend some time with my mother and I was looking forward to a relaxed stay with her. Unfortunately that was not to be. The day after I landed home I had nothing much to do and took it on myself to clean a storage space near the kitchen. This was an area where stuff like shikakkai (to wash one’s hair) and gingelly oil was kept in addition to soap, surf, phenyl and other cleaning agents. After setting the place in order I took a bath and joined my mother and aunt for the afternoon meal when I felt itchy all over. I went to the bathroom and checked for signs of rashes in case something had bitten me. I could see nothing.

Those were days when the family lady doctor came on house visits and she was summoned in the evening. She had delivered most of the children in our family and very much like a family member. Considering the advanced stage of my pregnancy she had to be careful with the prescription of drugs and asked me to apply some lotion and left. The next three weeks were a nightmare to say the least. I could not get sleep, felt itchy and miserable and to add to it I began to have a funny sensation in the back of my head and my ear lobes started feeling hot. The doctor came once a week and checked my blood pressure but I could not understand or explain the sense of unease that I felt. To get some relief from the itching sensation I’d have a bath thrice a day and wipe myself with dettol water the rest of the time. My mother felt helpless and hoped that the itchiness would go away after my delivery.

Finally at the onset of the ninth month my mother had a small function in connection with my pregnancy. It was a noisy affair and I did not feel inclined to meet anyone. However I sat through the ritual of being blessed by elderly ladies. They had lunch and left. My eyes were puffed up and my head started feeling heavy. I attributed it to lack of proper sleep. The doctor’s visit was due the following day. I went to sleep early and surprisingly fell asleep immediately.

It must have been around seven the next morning when I woke up on hearing my elder brother’s voice. He had come over from Gudur to meet me. On seeing me awake he offered me some biscuits and I remember telling him that I’d brush my teeth and have it with coffee. I walked to the wash basin and suddenly I wanted to throw up. My mother thought that the heavy food consumed the previous day did not suit me. I did vomit but it was not undigested food that I threw up. It was bile. Within minutes I felt my eye sight dimming and by the time I rinsed my mouth I had lost sight completely and had to be led back to my bed. To add to my misery I had an unbearable headache and was writhing in pain.

The entire family took sometime to register that I could not see a thing. Someone rushed to call the doctor. We did not have a telephone at home then and mobiles were unheard of. The doctor came immediately and checked my BP. It was a soaring 220/150. Urine test revealed excess of albumin and I was administered sedatives and put to sleep. By evening my BP was normal, urine sample had just traces of albumin. My vision however did not return. An eye specialist was summoned. He flashed a torch into my eyes but I could not see a thing. The entire neighborhood was at our doorstep as is the case in a small town like Gobichettipalayam. My family still relied on Dr. Leela - our family doctor. The baby was not due till the next fortnight and I had not gone into labor. So no one was thinking about the baby. They wanted me to regain my eyesight. That was their immediate concern. It was then that Dr. Leela did the wise thing. She went over to a neighbor’s place and told them to advice my uncle and mother to shift me to a better hospital in Coimbatore. She wanted them to make it appear as if they were advising my family. She said that her clinic was not equipped to deal with complications but her daughter in law was working in a reputed nursing home in Coimbatore and if I was shifted there I could get better medical attention. She would line up everything and give us her car and driver. She was afraid that if she suggested this herself we would get panicky and imagine the worst.

The neighbor came over and suggested that I be shifted to a hospital in Coimbatore. My mother was not sure how Dr. Leela would take it. The neighbor pretended that she had convinced Dr. Leela and she had agreed. The family pundit was called in to check if the following day was auspicious. Our smart neighbor cornered him before he reached our place and on being properly briefed he declared that I should be shifted on the very evening since the next three days were inauspicious. We came to hear of all this back room maneuverings later. Finally around 8 at night I left with my mother, brother and uncle to the hospital where the doctor’s daughter in law worked. It was pouring rain and mother, weak sighted herself, was praying hard that I should regain my vision. We reached the hospital at 11 in the night. Treatment was started immediately. The next morning I asked the doctor if she was wearing a red sari. I could make out bright colors but little else. By evening I could make out my mother’s face but the hospital bed the stand to which IV drips were attached everything seemed to be slanted. The next day I could see properly. The doctors induced labor and my daughter was born the same evening at least 2 weeks before the due date.

The four days that had gone by were best forgotten. My I did learn a few valuable lessons in the meanwhile. They were-

1. Never ignore the signals that your body gives you. I did just that thinking that it was perhaps normal to feel so.

2. Never hesitate to go for a second opinion. In fact a good gynecologist would be open to consulting more experienced doctors herself.

3. When it is the question of life and death, almanacs and pundits need not be consulted. Not everyone would have a smart neighbor like mine.

4. When you feel uneasy contact the doctor at once. I was stupid to think that I could wait since my doctor’s visit was due in a day’s time.

Finally, my mother in law felt that if I had opted to stay back in Jamshedpur I may not have faced such a situation. In fact symptoms similar to the ones mentioned did come up in the next two pregnancies. But I was careful and my treating doctor was aware of my case history so I was admitted at the appropriate time and labor was induced. I’ve never gone into labor the normal way.

Years later I heard of a case similar to mine that unfortunately resulted in the death of both mother and child. The girl, like me, was unprepared and her case was handled by a reputed hospital in Jamshedpur. I was probably destined to share my story with you all and I got the lease of a lifetime of happy blogging!

Violence against women - my take.

2011-10-10T23:00:00.004+05:30

I had mentioned that lack of parental support led to the death of a certain Mrs. Rao in my first post written for women's web regarding violence against women. True in most cases women are neither equipped nor encouraged to stand up for themselves against unacceptable behavior from their men folk/in laws or anyone who violates their right to dignity and self respect. But there are a few exceptions and this post is dedicated to those women who were victims of domestic violence but found means to survive against all odds. In two of the three cases mentioned they had the support of their parents and the main purpose of this post is to reflect on the possible role that parents and family could play in helping the victimized women to deal with violence against them.

Priti (name changed) was just twenty years old when she was married off with a lot of fanfare. She was the first born to her parents who wanted the very best for her. Theirs was a business community and girls were rarely encouraged to study. But her father was proud of his daughter’s academic excellence and he encouraged her to study. She passed her undergrad course in Philosophy Honors with a high 1^st division and married a man of her parent’s choice soon afterwards. The groom was a charming good looking young man with a promising future. At least that was what they thought.

Unfortunately their assessment was wrong. Their son in law had a weakness for women and squandered his hard earned money on them. He was neck deep in debt. His parents blamed her for being unable to control his philandering habits and ridiculed her for her less than ordinary looks. According to them she had to be grateful to him for fathering her child – a daughter on top of it. Another man would not have given her a second glance and would have thrown her out for bearing him a daughter. She was totally at their mercy for spending money.

Priti’s parents then decided that it was time for them to pitch in. They encouraged her to pursue her studies and she went on to do her Masters. They financed her education and took care of her personal expenses too. Her in laws could only laugh behind her back and taunt her for not being worthy of the husband’s affection. She also answered the National Eligibility Test for lectureship and passed the difficult exam in a single attempt. She had a second issue – a son this time – but her husband did not mend his ways. She then joined as lecturer in a town about 100 kilometers from her husband’s place and moved out for good. By now her husband had married a divorcee and stopped coming home altogether. She has not yet divorced him but has severed all contacts with him and his family. Her parent’s continue to support her morally if not financially. Recently she booked a 2 bed room flat for herself and enrolled her children in reputed local schools. Her husband’s second wife, a bank employee with an independent income is facing the same problem as her and keeps seeking her advice on how she ought to deal with the situation. I think it was very nice and thoughtful of her parents to encourage her to have an independent income and a social standing for herself. They could have offered her a home and shelter but that would not have given her the confidence to face the future.

Lakshmi (not her real name)was a house maid and put up with her short tempered mistress only for the sake of the out house that they allowed her to occupy in lieu of a salary. She took a occasional slap in her stride and did not give a second thought to the abusive language and swear words directed at her. Her husband who was a construction worker often suggested that they move out rather than tolerate the inhuman behavior of their master and mistress. Lakshmi would ask him to be patient since it was not possible to rent a house with unlimited supply of electricity and water on his salary.

It was around 12 in the afternoon when Lakshmi had finished sweeping and was swabbing the drawing room when her mistress called out to her. She wanted her to fetch something from the fridge and Lakshmi took some time to respond since she had to wash her hand and wipe it clean before opening the fridge. Without a second thought the mistress took out the burning hot iron ladle used for seasoning and shoved it into her stomach and pulled it across the back leaving the skin scalded and burnt. It was then that Lakshmi thought that enough was enough. She went into the store room picked up the broom and began hitting her mistress with it treating her to the very swear words that were hurled at her on several earlier occasions. She pulled the mistress by the hair and dragged her to the court yard calling out to neighbors and threatening to call the cops. Neighbors intervened, the mistress almost fell at her feet and the master, who had come home for lunch, pleaded that his wife be spared. Lakshmi left her job at their place and moved to another area of our town. She was not keen on going to the police because she was sure that they would harass her and spare her mistress.

The third case is about Rashmi (name changed) who was a bright student trapped in an unhappy marriage. Her husband was short fused and her mother in law did everything possible to set him against her. She would be regularly beaten up for no reason and her mother in law would tell neighbors who intervened that Rashmi deserved to be beaten since she back answered him. Dowry menace also could not be ruled out but it was done in a very covert manner so nothing could be proved. It was then that Rashmi’s father registered her name for service in his company against the ward’s quota he was entitled to. He told her that the 8 hors that she would spend at the office and the time spent in commuting to work would be a welcome relief from the stifling environment at home. And of course, the money that came in and the quarter and medical facility that the company offered would be added benefits. He could have given his service to his son but he felt that she needed it more.

Rashmi was lucky that she got a call within a month and got the job of an office assistant soon afterwards. Her husband deliberately opted for a transfer to Madhya Pradesh but she refused to accompany him citing her job as the reason. She was not going to give it up at any cost. If her in laws had a problem with her job she would apply for a quarter and move out with her children. Her husband realized that she meant what she said and let her continue. He has however moved out and her mother in law blames her for it. According to her, he was ‘fed up’ with her superior airs and no husband could bear to live with a wife whom he could not ‘control’. Rashmi does not bother. She does her share of house work, gets the children ready for school and leaves home by 8 in the morning. She is not worried about the physical strain. She is happy to have a life of her own – a world where she can meet like minded people and establish an identity for herself. Her husband continues to make life hell for her when he visits them but she counters his behavior by ignoring his outbursts and that annoys him more.

For all the stories of bride burning and cruelty to women, we do have a few that would inspire women who are victimized and encourage families to support their daughter/sister intead of treating her as alien property. A change in the mind set would go a long way in curtailing violence against women.

Is marriage a necessary evil?

2011-09-20T20:28:00.000+05:30

I have a question that bothers me since there seems to be no correct answer. Long back, when my daughter was not yet 10 years old, a family friend approached me for details regarding a colleague of mine who was being considered a suitable match for their daughter. The man in question had joined as lab attendant and improved his qualification to become a lab assistant. He was working on his Master’s degree having taken admission in a local college. He had obtained a distinction in Physics Honors in his undergrad course and had a very good practical hand. (He still works with us and gladly fixes electrical and electronic items for us when required). I could foresee a bright future for him and had no hesitation in suggesting that they could go ahead and start negotiating with his family in Andhra Pradesh. I had no knowledge about his family’s financial status but guessed that they may not have been very well off since he had started working soon after completing his 11^th standard and a bright student like him who could not continue to study was probably from a needy background. However, I kept my thoughts to myself on a matter that did not concern me.

A few days later I was asked by their daughter who studied in our college to drop by their house when possible since her mother wished to consult me on an important matter. I readily agreed to visit them after college on the very same day. When I reached their place I found the family in a dilemma. Their older daughter for whom my colleague was being considered was upset that her parents should even think of getting her married to a person of questionable financial status. It did not matter that the man had a chance of coming up in life. It was his current status that mattered. She would not settle for anyone that did not have a white collar job and whose father was equal in status to her own father. Her parents on the other hand felt that there was no harm in carrying the matter forward if the boy in question was hard working and responsible.

I tried to reason that since she had a government job herself, they could manage to lead a pretty decent life on their combined salaries. The girl was adamant.

“Would you say this for your own daughter?” she asked.

My daughter was around 8 years old and I had not thought of her marriage prospects at all. She was in grade III and I was not sure where this conversation was leading. But I had the sense to understand that the matter ought to be handled by the family and it was better to leave it to them. Finally the girl’s parents gave in and the matter was dropped. The girl however did not marry at all. She probably rejected all proposals considered by her parents. Her younger sister got married as did her brothers. She never forgave me for even suggesting that she marry my colleague and would refuse to acknowledge my presence when we met while traveling to work or in the market place. She probably did not know how or where to vent her anger and I let her be since I was not affected by her behavior in a big way. She now leads an independent life in Hyderabad while her parents stay with her married brother shuttling between Hyderabad and Jamshedpur. Marriage was not a priority to her and she chose to remain unmarried rather than enter into a matrimony that did not appeal to her. I too had to admit albeit a little grudgingly that this was perhaps a wise step that she took. Thirty years ago this was a bold step too.

Years later I narrated the incident to my daughter who was in college. Her reaction set me thinking.

“What was wrong with her question mummy? Why did it upset you? Tell me honestly if you would have considered the match for me? Would you not prefer to get me married to a man of sound financial background than a person with commitments to his family however promising his career?”

It was a tricky question and I had to admit that she had a point.

When I see my colleague today I feel that he hasn’t fared badly at all. His wife is an excellent home maker and their son has completed an engineering course and will be taking up a job soon. He is used to taking up responsibilities and gladly attends to matters involving his wife’s family. I wonder if his life would have been as smooth sailing and happy if he had married Rajalakshmi (as the girl mentioned earlier was called). The basic question as to whether I would have got my daughters married to promising young men on the basis of their qualification alone still remains unanswered. To be frank I did not have a very great role in the marriage negotiations of my daughters. It just happened the way it did. Had I been at the receiving end of marriage negotiations dealing with hard to please parents of eligible boys I too might have compromised. But would my daughters have done the same or would they have objected? The girls are well settled and their husbands earn well. It is easy for me to preach that marriage is a gamble and the gamble is played out in heaven.

Finally I think that life is a balance sheet. Credit and debit accounts are maintained. Looking back I realize that my mother did not think beyond a hard working husband for me and life hasn’t been bad at all. Among those that got married with me some started off well, some took time to take off but now most of us are at the same level. So life is not what one gets – it is more about how one wishes to deal with it. And it varies from person to person. Marriage is just part of life – not life itself.

Ramblings of a living fossil.................

2011-09-10T20:07:00.005+05:30

Teacher’s day has come and gone and I haven’t written a line regarding the profession that has given me an identity. The teaching/learning process has gone such a tremendous change and I am unable to decide if it is for the better or not. The inflated marking system and the exam oriented preparation by students have left me wondering whether my perceptions are outdated. The head tells me that it is indeed so but my heart refuses to believe what my head says. I have a feeling that all this superficiality in the learning process will phase out and very soon we will revert to a method that requires the application of knowledge acquired to be successful. Certain sore points stand out and I am going to bug you for answers.

When I was in grade III we had a Math teacher who would give a straight zero if our answers did not have a unit along with the numeral. It had to be 10 pounds or 20 miles and never 10 and 20. No consideration for the numerous steps involved to arrive at the answer. As a child I would find it unfair that one was given a zero after all the effort put in. I later understood.

Fast forward by 30 years-

A student of mine called Jennifer Wadia brought her record for correction. She had drawn a thistle funnel hanging in the air above a beaker of water to illustrate the process of osmosis. I put a big, ugly question mark on her drawing sheet and asked why she had not drawn the stand and clamp.

“It is understood ma’am” was her response.

“I don’t understand something that is not illustrated” I said. “Draw the supporting structure and submit your record”.

“I drew it from my 10^th standard copy and there was no stand/clamp in the diagram”

Jennifer was a good student and the school she studied in was the same in which my daughters studied. It was a reputed school and I could not believe what she said.

“Show me your copy. And who was your biology teacher?”

She mentioned a name that sounded familiar. My daughter – then in the 8^th standard – was being taught biology by the same person and she was a good teacher. My children never came to me with doubts in biology and their grades were good. What then went wrong?

The next day Jennifer brought her 10^th grade biology copy and as she had said the thistle funnel was hanging in the air without a support and the diagram had been ticked as correct.

I went home and asked my daughter for her biology note book and it was the same in her book too. She was Jennifer’s junior by 5 years and the school was churning out generation after generation of students who thought that there was no need to draw a stand and clamp to support a thistle funnel.

“I am coming to your school to talk to your teacher”. I was truly upset that children were being taught in this manner. My daughter would have none of it.

“Please don’t” she wailed. “Teacher had told us that there would be a stand and clamp to hold the thistle funnel. I thought it was understood. She will not like it if you point out”

At the risk of being labeled a living fossil I still insist that a scientific drawing need not be a piece of art but it has to be properly illustrated. And the teacher who cannot be told that she was instilling a wrong concept and/or accept it when pointed is doing a disservice to society. However, knowing the teacher personally and having met her on quite a few occasions I don't think she would have had any hesitation in admitting her lapse and rectified it. I only mean to say that as teachers we do tend to take our student's intelligence and analytical skills for granted. In this case she must have told them that the thistle funnel had to be held with the help of a stand and clamp but since she did not illustrate it, it was not registered in their minds. Believe me, I have no intention of finding fault with the school that has groomed my children. I just wish to point out that such lapses have far reaching effects.

Correct me if I am wrong but I feel that the marking system in our board exams need to be re-assessed. I have to give another example here.

My daughter had answered her 10^th boards. She showed me her Biology question paper. It had a drawing that illustrated a biological process. The students had to label the diagram and draw an inference as to what the process might have been. My daughter’s inference was wrong. The question carried 4 marks. I would have given her a zero. But she said that marks were split and she would only lose 1 mark for the inference. She had labeled the diagram correctly and written out the procedure and all that carried marks. I later confirmed her claim and it was true.

Those among you with young children ought to tell me whether the present system where marks are awarded rather than deducted - when the basic concept is wrong – is helping or harming your children. I would rather have my children learning their basics the hard way. Marks to my mind are not important.

I would ask teachers in the making and those that have just taken it up as well as parents with school going children to pay attention to whether your ward is understanding the concept/lesson that is being taught because ultimately that is what is going to help them in their career.

It is not that I want to criticize the present system. I just wonder if it can be improved

Is this normal??

2011-09-02T20:22:00.002+05:30

Yesterday was Ganesh Chaturti and a day off from college. Believe me, at the age of sixty I still relish the thought of a holiday pretty much the same way as when I was a schoolgirl. I took the opportunity to visit my doctor for my arthritis.

Weather is unpredictable these days in Jamshedpur. It is sunny now and within the very next couple of minutes dark cloud gather and it starts drizzling and then it is pouring rain. At the clinic were a family who had brought a three month old baby to the clinic. The baby was crying non stop initially but finally went off to sleep. They were totally unknown to me but the sight of the indulgent grandmother and the young mother somehow reminded me of the time when I was a young mother. A girl in her late teens had accompanied them and she took turns to hold the baby. She reminded me of my sister in law who was so very fond of my daughter and took charge of her the moment she started crying. We were preparing to leave when dark clouds appeared from nowhere and one could predict a heavy shower within minutes. The child’s mother started calling someone over the phone probably worried how they may reach home. It was then that I offered to drop them in my car provided they lived within Kadma where I live. They were glad to be offered a lift and by the time all of us got into the car it started drizzling as expected. I started the car and took a turn when it started pouring.

The next few moments were simply horrible. I simply blanked out. I seemed to have forgotten my way and I could not remember where I needed to go. I took a wrong turn and headed in the direction opposite my house. The roads seemed unfamiliar and the sign board made no sense. I slowed down and asked –

“What place is this?”

I truly felt like crying. Why did I have to bring this on myself???

The teenaged girl came to my rescue. She suggested that since it was pretty dark I had perhaps got confused. (It was just 4 in the afternoon). Then I seemed to realize that I had reached the main road that connected our area to the railway station. Luckily I hadn’t gone too far, just about a kilometer in the wrong direction. I took a U turn and headed in the direction of my home. They live at a 5 minutes walk from my house and I prayed that I should drop them at their destination safe and sound. It was raining heavily all the while but the moment I dropped them and proceeded towards home clouds started to clear and when I reached home it was sunny once again. The group must have taken me to be a nutcase.

It took me a while to become normal. What if I had lost control of the car? I’ve lived in the area for the past 38 years and yet why did the roads look unfamiliar? All this took no more than 5 minutes but it was a scary experience. To top it I had to account for the lives of unknown people. It has never happened before.

I reached home and straight away wrote a post for Women’s web to make sure I was okay. While I returned from college I explored the area again. It was not the route I usually take but there was nothing unfamiliar about it. I think the unexpected downpour was the culprit. Dr. Anthony, if you’re reading this post I want you to reassure me. Is this normal??

Fighting Corruption

2011-08-26T20:44:00.002+05:30

A lot is being said about the anti corruption drive and I feel glad that the lay man has stood up against the corruption that prevails in society. The huge crowd that gathers in support of Anna Hazare is proof that the common man is sick and tired of greasing palms to get the simplest work done in Government offices. I feel bad that I also am part of the problem simply because I am not part of the solution. I did not offer ‘chai pani ka paisa’ to the dealing clerk while submitting my thesis. The process was deliberately delayed and the examiner’s report suppressed. Finally I manage to acquire my doctoral degree 18 months after I submitted my report. I had nothing to lose since I had a job and at that point in my career I could not have got an automatic promotion. I attended three interviews after that but the story was the same. It was whispered that there was a price attached and the moment I landed in Patna negotiators would seek me out. No one did. So I really haven’t directly dealt with mediators who strike shady deals on behalf of the powers that be. It is all hearsay which may or may not be true. Again it was a consolation that I had a job that promised a pension on retirement and I was in a better position than many others equally qualified and competent.

Is it the same with others?

Kala is the Head Mistress of a middle school that is semi government. Funds are released after several rounds of meetings and around 30 teachers working under her wait for months to get their salaries. And when the salary amount is sanctioned the dealing clerk delays the transfer of funds till she pays him an amount agreed upon as ‘chai pani ka paisa’. This depends on the amount each teacher stands to ‘benefit’. There is no guarantee as to when the next salary would be sanctioned. I wonder what ought to be done under the circumstances. Some teachers are sole bread winners with several dependents. Kala knows that as a teacher she should fight against corruption. Complaining will not help since the clerk is perhaps the agent and there are many others who benefit by his collection. I wonder if Anna Hazare’s drive against corruption will actually reach out to such people who are victims of a corrupt system.

I have no sympathy for those among us who grease palms for obtaining favors out of turn. Driving license given out without the person taking the test for instance. A friend’s husband lost his life on account of rash driving by a teenager who in all probability was under age. But who cares? We want the easy way out. One goes to a government hospital and the treatment he/she gets is definitely better if hospital staff are bribed. The list is long and this is only the beginning.

I don’t mean to say that we should lose hope. I feel that we ought to take steps to counsel government employees and impress upon them that it is a shame to expect ‘oopari kamayi’ (bribe) as a right. The chain/circle is vicious and inter-connected and links politicians, bureaucrats as well as their sub ordinates. I end with two examples of upright IPS officers that makes me think that it is wrong to paint everyone with the same brush.

One involved the SP of our township some three years back. He had given his phone number to the women’s organization that supported a complainant of domestic abuse and asked them to feel free to contact him at any time of the day/night in case of trouble. They rang him up at 2 in the night and within minutes the station in charge of the police station nearest to the girl’s house sent a constable to arrest her husband.

The second involved the DIG of our township. We had an interactive session with him at a local college. He asked the audience to co – operate with him in punishing erring traffic police/constables and the like by lodging an instant complaint. A constable posted at the National Highway leading to our town was seen accepting bribe to allow the entry of heavy vehicle during the time declared as ‘No entry’ time keeping the safety of school children returning home in auto – rickshaws/ private vehicles in mind. Someone clicked a photograph of the constable and forwarded it to the DIG. The man was immediately suspended. This has served as a warning to other constables too.

These are the steps that responsible citizens can take to be part of the solution. I add that I myself spoke to the aforementioned DIG at six in the morning on behalf of my servant who said that the station in charge of our area would not accept a complaint that she wished to lodge. I wanted to check for myself if he would take calls that early in the morning. And he did. He asked her to go to the police station that very day and that he would direct the station in charge to take appropriate action.

If we wish to take Annaji’s movement forward we too need to do our bit.

Following Up

2011-08-19T20:35:00.003+05:30

I had written sometime back on a few cases of schizophrenia in two parts and had commended the care givers on their role in taking care of these people. I had heard of these cases from people close to them and was full of admiration for the decisions made by them. I’ve been following their case from time to time and updated myself on the course their lives have taken since then. I refer in particular to the case of Preeti and Montu.

I had mentioned that Preeti surprised everyone by deciding to give her marriage a try although she was under no compulsion to do so. Her parents in law were so grateful to her that they pampered her to the core and provided her with the necessary support in running the house and attending to her whimsical husband. Now that the couple opted to have a child one would expect her to bond well with the husband and their marriage would be near normal. With many of our marriages having their own ups and downs, even without having to deal with a mentally imbalanced spouse, one ought not to imagine that life was very easy for the girl who was totally unprepared to deal with the situation. However, to be fair to her, she did try her best. I don’t mean to say that she has failed in her effort or has given up. Her problem was different.

Preeti had a baby boy some three years after her marriage. She loved her son alright but had a nagging doubt as to whether her husband’s condition was genetic and if he would inherit the condition from his father. Schizophrenia does not necessarily show up till adolescence or even much later and she had no means of knowing about the possibility of her son ‘turning mad’ as those around her cruelly described her husband. She looked for indications where there were none and even the slightest tantrum shown by the child was attributed to faulty genes. It was very distressing for her parents in law to cope with the mindless insinuations heaped by her on an innocent toddler but could do little about it. Things came to a head when she refused to return after a visit to her parent’s place saying that she did not want the child to pick up ‘mad ways’ from his father. Her parents did not feel free to advise her since they partly blamed themselves for the mess that she made of her marriage. Her husband went for a patch up but he was manhandled by her brothers and uncles. They conveniently forgot that he had to take medicines for life or that his condition had to be managed only with the help of medicines unlike a physical affliction that could be completely cured after a period of treatment. He could not muster courage to go again. The rift widened and it appeared that they would never patch up. However, counseling came from unexpected quarters.

Her paternal grandmother was the one who intervened and set things right. She was sympathetic towards her granddaughter but also questioned her decision to opt for a biological child. Did she not know that he had a 50:50 chance if inheriting his father’s trait? No one was perfect she claimed. The boy could derive some shortcomings - both physical and mental - from her as well. Did she expect her brothers to take care of her once her parents were dead and gone? She could opt for separation but not until she found a means to support herself and her son.

“Stop pouting and sulking.” Were her final words. “You made a choice earlier and were glad to be hailed as a sacrificing wife. You were amply counseled by his doctor and were advised on what could be expected of him. Please don’t think that I am not supporting you. You must admit that you are also partly responsible for the situation. Be brave and face the situation. What if it were your brother instead of your husband? Would you love him less on account of his mental condition? ”.

Somehow, her grandmother’s words made sense and Preeti returned to her husband. She went for counseling sessions and felt better after that. She got enrolled in computer classes and is able to divert her mind from negative thoughts and doubts that earlier haunted her. Her parents in law refrain from ever referring to her prolonged stay at her parent’s place or her tantrums when Montu went to fetch her. It is just as if she has returned from a well deserved break which was perhaps just what it was.

Advising caution.........

2011-08-06T20:47:00.001+05:30

This week brought in news of a family friend’s unexpected demise and the tragic instance of child sex abuse yet again. Both events disturbed me a lot.

Death is the most natural event to occur in our lives and yet we are never ready to face it. I have mentioned the Sinhas in a number of my posts but two alone stand out in my memory - Canine instincts written when I had just started blogging and a Deepavali post written soon after. Both the pieces were the products of my first year as blogger. We have known the family for nearly 35 years. Our children practically grew up in their house. My son was like a toy in the hands of their sons. They would rush to see him after school and would carry him away to their house from the time he was a month old. Whenever the boys were given new clothes for Durga puja or other special occasions the boys would definitely come over to my place to show me their new dress. How I wish God had been merciful to them. The older of their two sons passed away of renal failure at the age of 31 and their mother never quite recovered from the shock. She lived on without the urge to live and followed the son 8 years later. However, their second son married a very adjusting and accommodating girl and Mrs. Sinha spent the final years of her life with them doting on the granddaughter who she felt was her dead son gifted back to her. Now, it was the turn of Mr. Sinha to pass on. He died of a massive heart attack and it breaks my heart to see the son alone in this world. He is not the kind of street smart guys one sees all over the town and after his father’s unexpected death he did not even know what to do next. It was Mr. Sinha that managed things.

However, this was not the purpose of this post. One thing that worried me was the fact that the family lived in perpetual denial. They never believed that they could fall ill. Bikhu, as the older one was called, was perhaps a case of juvenile diabetes. Mrs. Sinha was obsessed with cleanliness and yet the flush out pan in their toilet would be full of ants. A doctor friend suggested that all four have their urine samples tested and at the age of 18 the older son’s urine had sugar not in traces but in excess amounts. Kidney failure had set in. The family kept fooling themselves that all was fine. Diet control was never seriously considered and the boy lost his life thirteen years later.

Mrs. Sinha too was perhaps diabetic but she also waited till her kidneys began to fail before opting for treatment. By then she had lost her first born as well as her desire to live. Mr. Sinha had a massive heart attack soon after the son’s death. He was obese and the doctor had recommended weight control and change in life style/food habits. Mrs. Sinha’s notion of treating a heart patient was indeed weird. He needs good food she would insist. Chicken soup was okay but she would give him chicken fry and scold her daughter in law if she objected. You will starve him to death – she’d scream. Every time I enquired after his health Mr. Sinha would say that he was fine. He never went for regular check ups saying that doctors would unnecessarily ask for tests to be done even if there was no need. From a week before his death he had mild chest pain. Given the medical history of a previous attack he ought to have gone for a check up. He passed it off to gas problem and tried home remedies. Unfortunately he did not survive a second attack.

After the age of 50 one has to be prepared for degeneration of the system and take the necessary precaution. Given the history of diabetes in the family I have advised their son to monitor his blood sugar levels. I hope he takes my words seriously. With two little girls and a wife to support he cannot afford to be indifferent the way his parents were.

The other case of child sex abuse took place in our complex and the victim was a little girl of about 8 years in age studying in class III. The abuser was a class mate’s father. As per an arrangement with him, the girl’s father would drop his own daughter and the abuser's son studying in the same class at school and the boy’s father would bring them home. This was a recent arrangement that was initially a temporary one during the exams and was continued since it appeared to suit the two families. The man in question would delay bringing the girl home saying that his milkman arrived around the time and would go away if the house was locked. He’d send his own son away to ride a newly purchased bicycle and with his wife away at work he’d have the house to himself. He initially tried getting familiar with the child and threatened her of dire consequences if she told anyone about it. After a few days he forced her to drink some foul smelling stuff saying it was orange juice (perhaps alcohol) and forced her to have oral sex. He also tried fingering her privates. The child was petrified but just told the mother that she did not want ‘uncle’ to bring her home. That very night she woke up with a start and started screaming incoherently and all that the mother understood was that she wished to be saved from ‘uncle’ for whatever reason. The child’s father had left for Calcutta in the evening and was to be away for the week end. The mother called the watchman and took the child to a doctor in the complex around midnight. The girl was weeping profusely and shaking as if she had convulsions. She would not let the doctor touch her. His wife however coaxed the entire story out of the child and was stunned that such an incidence could have happened. The mother was initially shocked but around 6 the next morning she informed a women’s organization that swung into action and by 10 in the morning the abuser was behind bars. The DSP took special interest and assured the family of immediate action. The mother supposedly slippered the man right in front of the station in charge of the police station. The father came back immediately and when I met him in the evening he said that he must have received at least a hundred calls asking him to withdraw the case. I now hear that he has indeed withdrawn the case though I do not know for sure. Even if he has(there could have been some compulsion that we do not know of) I appreciate the quick action taken by the women’s organization and police.

The two are unrelated incidents but had to be shared. The world needs to know that it could be one among us who’d be the next victim and caution - whether in the case of health or in the trust one places on a neighbor- will not hurt.

Dealing with good people.

2011-07-30T16:04:00.000+05:30

Dealing with good people can be frustrating. At least that is what my experience tells me. You yell at the son and daughter and they yell back at you. Scores settled and peace prevails. But gently rebuke them or better still don’t say anything at all. Pick up the wet towel and put it to wash. Smile at them and say “Anything else to be washed son”? It simply unnerves them and there won’t be a wet towel to pick up next time.

Priya was told that she was lucky to have Mrs. Kapoor for mother in law. Mrs. Kapoor was mild mannered and soft spoken. She would never interfere in her life. And she didn’t. But having no complaint against her mother in law was Priya’s only complaint. It was very difficult to get past her mother in law. There was a talk of hiring a cook when Priya’s husband Nitesh was hospitalized. Her mother in law pitched in.

“Why hire a cook my child. I have nothing to do. I’ll take care of the kitchen. You can attend to Nitesh.”

Priya would return from hospital at 8 in the evening. The evening meal would not be ready.

Her mom in law would smile sweetly and say –

“I was just about to start. However, I could not decide whether to prepare bitter gourd or pumpkin. Which do the children prefer? And would it be okay to prepare rotis before hand? I thought the children would want to have fresh rotis.”

“Anything would do mummy”. Priya would reply. “I have some packaged, pre-cooked vegetables. If you’ve kneaded the flour I’ll prepare rotis immediately. The children should be hungry and will be asking for food anytime now”.

“Oh my God, I just forgot. Why don’t you freshen up? I’ll knead the flour. By the way how many cups of wheat flour do we take?”

“Never mind mummy. I’ll toast some bread for them. I’ll check for left over food in the fridge. Or else I’ll make some upma for the two of us.”

And as an aside she would add ‘Please get right out of my kitchen. I may just eat you up for dinner’.

It was a frustrating situation. To top it the MIL would appear so very considerate when neighbors and relatives dropped in.

“Poor child, she has to do the running around since I cannot manage outside work. So I’ve asked her not to worry about home and children. After all what am I here for”?

Bhavana too had been blessed with a good mother in law. She was however not as indecisive as Priya’s mom in law. She was smart and very much in control. Bhavana wanted to take up a job. The children had grown up and she had some spare time. She wanted to take up a part time job.

She over heard her mother in law telling her husband-

“Bhavana wants to take up a job. And why not? She is qualified and capable. I’ve offered to manage the house. My arthritis causes problem but I’ll manage somehow. I’ll finish work and give myself a massage once I am done. Appa can fetch the children from the bus stop. It will be very hot when they come back. He’ll have to carry an umbrella. It will be a little difficult for him to manage the children with an umbrella in one hand. He’ll manage somehow. Hire a servant to fetch them? Servants are so unreliable. You pay them a huge amount and end up doing all the work yourself. Never mind son, don’t worry. We’ll manage somehow”.

Bhavana was at wit’s end not knowing how she was supposed to deal with such a sacrificing mother in law. It would have been easier to deal with one who refused to help out.

Pranati’s mother in law was in hospital. She would visit her every evening with a flask of coffee and some snacks. For the rest of the day she had hired a private attendant and was paying her an amount that was quite beyond her means. In order to save money she would take a bus to the hospital and would invariably be late. She would wait for the milkman at a neighbor’s place since he came there earlier, prepare coffee at their place, leave her two year old daughter with them and rush to board the bus. On one occasion she saw her cousin and his wife going towards the hospital in a two wheeler while she was herself in the bus. Had she spotted them before boarding the bus she’d have asked them to take her mother in law’s coffee along. When she reached the hospital ward her mother in law was very cross with her for being late. It so happened that her cousin’s wife had innocently remarked that had she known that Pranati would be late she would have brought the ailing woman some coffee herself. Well meant words but they triggered off unnecessary resentment between the mother in law/daughter in law duo. Under the circumstances it would have been better to keep one’s opinion guarded. Getting coffee on an odd day was not the same as doing it on a daily basis. And there could be umpteen reasons for the delay.

In my opinion good will alone is not sufficient. It has to be peppered with smart thinking. As the saying goes ‘an intelligent enemy is easier to deal with than a foolish friend’. Think about it.

The writer in me.

2011-07-26T23:03:00.002+05:30

I was wondering what to write and Dr. Antony gives me an idea through his latest post. Thanks doc. I think I want to take off where you left. Why do I write?? This is a question that often comes to my mind. Am I a good writer? May be not a good one but an okay kind perhaps? But I keep writing not so much for others but for myself. You see, I am a talkative person and I seem to want to say so much. My girls are busy with their children and the son keeps asking me to come to the point and I take a long time getting to it. They just won’t listen. My husband and I talk different languages. Not literally of course. He loves discussing politics and treats me to a generous dose of it each day. I don’t have to listen to the same news in 10 news channels to understand that politicians are what they are. I watch programs on discussions about the education system instead and try to figure out the reason why not a single student has taken up Botany honors this year. I mean I am granted an extension of two years and my subject has no takers? Husband couldn’t care less for the next generation’s lack of interest in my subject. He firmly believes that all the scamsters are really going to be exposed and the money launderers are definitely going to be punished. In fact each day of his retired life is spent on betting that this or that person is soon to be declared a political outcaste. I am yet to see it happening. So after 38 years of togetherness we talk of issues that have no relevance to the other person.

Now you get my point. I write because I want to share my anguish and joy with people who I cannot see.

I was just joking.

Let me then analyze how I stand to benefit by writing.

I feel important: The name hip grandma has been coined by my daughter. It gives the impression of a wise old woman ready with tips on making life a bed of roses. To tell you the truth I haven’t found answers to my own questions on life and living. But it does not harm one to feel wanted and important does it?

I can postpone housework: There are days when I feel inclined to defer work. The blog offers me the perfect alibi for being absent from where I ought to be. The creative me does not dwell on trivialities like folding clothes and stacking dishes. So I can safely forgive myself for removing laundry from the washing machine a full hour after it has been washed. No mother in law to question me, a doting husband who would never disturb me when I am typing something (he actually enjoys his moments of peace but I like to believe that he is proud of my writing skills) and no children/grandchildren to attend to. So I scold myself for procrastinating and excuse myself for doing it.

I can afford to change the order of things: Like I can comb my hair at nine in the evening. I hear writers are allowed quirky habits. It was Dr. Antony who said it, not me, but I feel relieved at the thought. I haven’t actually washed and combed at the specified time. But should someone point out to queer mannerisms and quirky habits I can ignore their observations. I can mutter to myself-‘ What do they know about writers? Eh? Can’t write a full sentence and see how they talk………’

I can imagine things: Why not? As a writer I am free to imagine that I was a blood relative of the legendary R. K. Narayan in an earlier birth. Or that I have actually written a book that goes on to become a best seller. Ram Gopal Verma offers to buy my story and I give it to him for free. Please don’t imagine that I don’t need money. It is just that excess of it baffles me and RGV will not demean himself by offering a paltry sum would he? We Botanists declare anything beyond 10 as infinity while describing a flower. So, in case he offers me an amount with more than 3 zeros following it I would get confused. May as well be magnanimous. What do you say?

To top it: I can sleep in till seven in the morning when it suits me. My husband starts waking me up from around five in the morning. I can mumble something like ‘I was working on my post till late last night. Please let me sleep a little more’. He cannot verify the actual time because he is asleep long before me. Ha, ha!

De - Cluttering..........

2011-07-18T20:56:00.000+05:30

I really want to de-clutter my house and put it in order. For that I need your help. Please give me some idea as to how I may deal with hip grandpa as some of you fondly call my husband. He is a hoarder with a capital H and to throw things off I need to get him to turn a blind eye to my cleaning spree. The cleaning bug rarely strikes me but when it does, the sting is strong enough to depress me for days on end.

The first thing I would like to give away is a 45 year old Sumeet Mixer. It doesn’t even belong to me. Mine is just 30 years old but needs to be thrown out all the same. The story of how I managed to acquire a 45 year old mixer - as if I did not have enough to deal with – needs to be told for you to understand my predicament.

The archaic piece actually belongs to my friend who had repaired it at least 10 times before getting herself a new one. We had gone to her place for lunch. I saw a shiny new mixer in her kitchen and asked her if the brand was good since I wanted to buy one for myself. I would give away my old one I said. My husband who was reading the newspaper was shocked that I should even think of it.

“Do you know that Sumeet mixers are the best? The motor is so sturdy that it will last for 30 more years.”

My friend took my side and said that the company did not manufacture mixers any more and it was difficult to get blades and other spare parts. Spurious blades made by local units were not good enough. She went on to say that her own Sumeet mixie was lying idle since it was beyond repair.

“Give it to me.” My husband said. “I’ll get it repaired. I know a person who does a good job of it.”

“I’ve got a new one.” My friend said. “Please don’t bother”.

There are times when my husband becomes deaf and blind at the same time. He just did not want to listen to my friend’s protests and insisted on getting it repaired.

“He won’t charge much” he went on to explain. “He is very reasonable.”

My friend insisted that she was not interested in getting it repaired and my husband insisted that his electrician would repair it for a reasonable cost and she finally bundled the mixer in a bag and gave it to him saying that she did not want it back. He could give it to a needy person if it could be put to use.

I tried glaring and staring at him. He could not read the message conveyed by my eyes and I wanted to get his eyes tested. I was left with no option but to cart the mixer to my already cluttered house. It is another story that my husband spent some 200 rupees to fix it but it does not work. The motor is in good condition but the alignment with the jar is faulty. As a result when the jar is attached the blade does not budge. He is as possessive of the mixer as if it belonged to my mother in law. These are times when I truly miss her presence. She would have thrown the thing away and drilled some sense into her son’s head. I tried giving it in exchange for a new mixer. The shop was offering a 20% discount on the price of a new mixer of my choice.

“It is not ours” bellowed my husband.

“S will not mind” I wailed.

The net result is that although I have now purchased a new mixer I have two old ones adorning my store room. When a mixer that is not working, that does not belong to us and has been abandoned by its owner cannot be given away you can imagine how possessive he would be of all the ‘hard earned’ purchases made by him. The new mixer is to be used sparingly he insists. The old one is sturdier he claims. I’ve given up.

This is just about one thing that I want to give (read- throw) away and there are plenty of other stuff that need to be treated the same way. My mother in law’s cot for instance. Its ply board needs to be changed. It is standing erect in the spare bedroom. I want it to be repaired and put to use or given away. At least 50% of the stuff we have could be given away but the very mention is enough to start a quarrel. To be fair my husband is equally possessive of things given by my mother. The trunk that my mother gave at the time of my wedding, the wooden chest with my father’s name written on it -- well the list is long. Ideas anyone?

Unhappily married??

2011-07-17T12:22:00.005+05:30

We hear a lot more of men and women opting out of marriage these days than when we were growing up or during the time when I was a young mother trying hard to adjust in an alien set up. Hill grandmom has raised a valid point about friends with benefit in her post and I too would like to know what the current generation of young and eligible brides and grooms think of the situation. R's mom too feels that there is nothing negative about being divorced. Society is changing and I can see it happening. Divorces are no longer considered indicative of a person's inability to make the marriage work. Divorces are being considered an amicable alternative to end a relationship that for some reason failed to grow and develop. I know of a divorced couple who still care for each other like any friend would. They have both remarried and there is no bitterness in them for losing out on a relationship that never was. They did not have children but even if children were involved I am sure they would have handled the situation equally well and seen to it that their children remained unaffected. I have written a short piece here about the change perceived in society with regards to divorce. In my opinion this is a welcome change. Women's web has an interesting post on life after divorce by Kalpana Misra. I think it is time we started thinking of ways to deal with the situation instead of preaching from a pedastal on the merits of being 'unhappily married'.

Suranga, R's mom why have you blocked me out? Your site does not allow me to comment. Too bad!

Looking Back

2011-07-15T23:25:00.000+05:30

Our children huddled together in a room that doubled up as a bedroom by night and study by day,

We laughed a lot, fought a lot, slept on a mat and sat on the floor remaining cheerful all the time.

We had our meals together, enjoyed light music, shared housework and struggled to make ends meet.

We longed for little pleasures but were still happy with what we had,

And we thought that our life was the best since we knew none other.

We now have everything that wealth can buy – a room of our own, a car to roam around, enough to eat but no appetite for food,

Our children have flown the nest and we long for the time when life was a struggle but was worth the trouble,

When every little success made us achievers and every set back strengthened our bond.

Strange that we have what we longed for but we now long for what we had!

Our life then was best and now that we’ve seen both we know better!

Culturally sound.

2011-07-08T23:02:00.001+05:30

During my recent visit to Chennai a remark made by an acquaintance set me thinking. She felt that my long stay in North India had alienated me from my Tamil culture and I had acquired a mixed (read muddled) view of Indian culture as practiced in the south. I wondered what she meant. I did not try to defend myself for the simple reason that I could not understand what she meant. Correct me if I am wrong but it is my opinion that there is no such thing as Tamil or south Indian culture. Having lived in a multi-lingual/cultural township for the past 38 years I find that human beings are pretty much the same – never mind their linguistic/cultural background. I get put off when people assign certain behavioral patterns to a particular community. There is nothing typical to a community. We see good and bad people everywhere. Again good and bad as I have pointed out in earlier posts are relative to circumstance. A person who controls his/her emotions and allows the world to see the pleasant side of one’s nature is called good. But like ‘the man in black’ there are several others with a golden heart but a short temper. They need to be understood –that’s all. Then we are all ambitious. It is just the level that varies. Were it not so society would never progress. There are those that trample upon others to reach their goal and others who take slow and steady steps to get there. Ambition is not restricted to just one or the other community. So when there is so much in common to all human beings why do people talk of their own community as being culturally rich and more superior to other communities?

I tried doing a little introspection and making a list of how and where I differed from my south Indian roots. If one calls insisting on a dress code for my children as being culturally sound I may not fit into the Tamilian mould. However, the dress code keeps changing. Ever since my arthritic leg started giving me trouble I started wearing salwar/ kameez for my morning walk to avoid tripping on the road. I find it so comfortable that I have started wearing it at home and while traveling. Does it make me less Tamilian in any way? I should think not. In pretty much the same way I think that my daughters too ought to be allowed to choose to wear a dress that is comfortable and culture/tradition has nothing to do with it.

I agree that the Tambrahms would be shocked to know that I finish cooking and have a bath later unless it is a day of religious significance. It is easier that way because I do not find time to bathe twice in the morning. I need to bathe before leaving for college so the ritual of bathing before cooking the morning meal had to be shelved. I can almost hear my relatives ask how I could do that. Is it not our custom to offer food to God before consuming it? Food prepared without bathing cannot be given to crows let alone Gods………

Shocking?? Well, when I take out rice for cooking I set aside a handful of uncooked rice in a container and when a decent amount is collected I give it away to a needy person. I feel that this is an equally good alternative and feel no pangs of guilt for not being able to offer food to God on a daily basis. I do not think that this has anything to do with culture. Or does it??

A good number of my relatives accuse me of not talking to my children in my mother tongue. To be frank I mix English and Hindi and throw in a few words of Tamil in my verbal communication with them. They do the same. It is a language unique to us. I spek to my husband in Tamil but we do mix a little Hindi here and there. There are times when I grope for Tamil words. Like the word Maali in Hindi means gardner. The Tamil word is thottakkaran. Laundrer is dhobi in Hindi and vannan in Tamil. I rarely use the Tamil equivalent of the words and unknowingly insert the Hindi term in my conversation. I wonder if it makes me a cultural misfit in my own community? Is it not sufficient that I try to be a well adjusted individual in society to be called culturally sound?

A final word. The Wikipedia defines culture as “An integrated pattern of human knowledge, belief, and behavior that depends upon the capacity for symbolic thought and social learning”. In my opinion the basic human requirement is peaceful co-existence. If this is achieved through social learning a person can be called cultured and this is certainly not the monopoly of any community or country.

Having thus defended myself, I think I can safely go to bed.

Joint families - a few case studies.

2011-06-23T21:27:00.003+05:30

I read with interest R’s mom’s post on joint families. The concept of joint families is dying a natural death. I would not know if it is good or bad but I see it happening. Like fashions that follow a cycle may be a few years from now the joint family concept may spring back in a different form. I may or may not live to see it but I can somehow sense it bouncing right back. Having said that I am not starting a new debate on whether the joint family of yesteryears was better or not. I am giving a few references and leaving it to my readers to arrive at an inference based on them.

Padmini (name changed) was not a newcomer in the Bhushan family. She had married the eldest son and was a great hit as a daughter in law. Her visits were eagerly anticipated and a whole lot of cousins in the joint family simply adored her. She was able to please grandmothers and grandfathers by abiding by rules laid down by them and would play ludo with school going youngsters, discuss romantic movies with the teen aged cousins and tease eligible brothers/sisters in law about their marriage prospects. She would fit into every group and her mother in law was proud of her. All went well till the grandparents were alive and uncles lived in the same house. Her parents in law were never free to visit her and all she had to do was to adjust for month in a whole year. However, after her grandparents in law’s death the family split and her own parents in law planned to move in with her since the ancestral house had been sold. Adjusting with them was not easy and differences cropped up. Both sides felt that the other was not adjusting well enough.

Rekha was given to understand that her husband being an only son would continue to live with them and she was the one who would have to adjust and she did. However, with time she began to resent their interference even those that were well meant. She hated to be pushed around as if she were a schoolgirl and urged her husband to accept a foreign assignment just to be allowed some freedom – so what if she had to wait for ten long years to obtain it. Parents tried everything in their means to stop them from going giving very valid reasons like children’s education and their own health issues. The assignment was for just a year and they relented agreeing to look after their school going grandchildren. When Rekha returned she was no longer the same person. She had tasted freedom and was not going to give it up at any cost.

Praveen had seen his parents caring for his grandparents. He told his girl friend that if and when they got married his parents would move in with them. His girl friend had seen her parents being pushed around by her dominating grandparents and thought otherwise. Parents could stay nearby but not with them she said. They broke up on the issue. Neither was wrong but they weren’t right either. Their view was heavily influenced by their personal experiences. However my own opinion is slightly tilted in the girl’s favor. There was nothing wrong in sharing an amicable relationship from a close enough distance and being there for each other when required.

Tricky situations isn’t it? In the present scenario it seems advisable for parents to live at a distance that allows regular interaction and for both groups to be available for each other when required without giving up their individual space.

I end with the example of a cousin of mine nearly 75 years old. He has two daughters. The older one stays in Chennai some 15 kilometers from where he stays. She visits them on alternate weekends and goes over to spend the interim weekends with her parents in law. Their second daughter lives in London and her husband is an only son. His mother is a widow. They’ve bought two adjacent flats in a locality that is close to local temples and offers good medical facility. The two sets of parents live in adjacent flats and are there for one another. When my cousin and his wife visit their daughter her mother in law takes care of the house, pays telephone bills receives mails etc. They do the same when she goes visiting. I am yet to see a happier set of parents. The second daughter checks on her sister’s MIL when her own parents are away. This speaks highly of the lady in question. Adjustment is the key. The message is clear. One needs to be happy with an arrangement that suits all concerned rather than settle for one that is suffocating in whatever manner.

The plight of a care giver.

2011-06-16T20:41:00.006+05:30

I have often spoken highly of care givers who have taken care of mentally physically handicapped children/husbands etc. Several of my posts deal with the predicament of care givers and harped on the manner they deal with the challenges they face. However, care givers are humans too. It is not easy to be socially cut off from the world and pretend that all is well with them. One such person was Mrs. R S. I was a frequent visitor to their house till about 4 years back. My Husband and R S were colleagues and despite the difference in age their friendship continued after my husband’s retirement. The couple had a mentally retarded son. She would talk to me over the phone and would say that she would feel better after a chat session with me. It has all changed now. I am wary of a visit to their home. Reason?? I cannot pinpoint the cause but I get the feeling that all is not well in their family and Mr. R S perhaps thinks that I am not a good influence on his wife. No one has said it in words but there is something very wrong.

It all began when I invited the family for lunch. It was difficult to bring their son by scooter they said and I offered to pick them up and drop them back. I assured them that I had no problem if the son came along. I felt that Mrs. R S hardly went anywhere and this was perhaps the least she deserved. However, knowingly or unknowingly I had perhaps hurt Mr. R S by insisting that they all come over as a family. They had a college going daughter who offered to stay back and look after her brother.

“Mummy needs a change. So let her accompany papa. I'll stay back.” She had insisted.

I failed to take the hint and they came for lunch on a Sunday afternoon. I picked them up, dropped them back and on my way back told Mrs. R S that we could plan more such outings. She needed to go out once in a while.

After this incidence Mr. R S cut himself off from us in a very subtle and polished manner. He shifted residence but did not give us the new address. We came to know of it through a common friend. His wife did not know of the change in her husband’s attitude and rang me up asking me why I hadn’t visited their new home. I had to tell her that I did not know her address and she was kind of surprised. Known for being frank I went to their house and jokingly told Mr. R S that he owed us a party. He simply smiled and gave no explanation. I continued to be in touch with his wife but kept wondering what went wrong. Was it something between the men folk? My husband insisted that he had given no reason for Mr. R S to distance himself. He was probably busy at his work. Finally, when Mrs. R S told me that she had asked her husband to look after the son while she accompanied me to the temple and her husband was sarcastic when he spoke of her having friends who could pick her up and drop her back, I decided that enough was enough. If my good will gesture was going to be misinterpreted I was not going to stretch myself and hold on to the friendship. I still respond when she calls up. I visited R S when he was in hospital but that’s it.

Till date I wonder if I over reacted. Mrs. R S really needs me. I certainly don’t intend to create a rift between them. I feel very angry that he should let her handle the boy all by herself and not let her have an hour’s outing even on Sundays saying that he had to rest. Was that the reason or does he want her to lead a cocooned life always? I suppose she repeats our conversations - that are mainly counseling sessions – to him. Does it make him insecure? I do feel bad but I cannot impose myself on them. To top it Mrs. R S does not realize or understand that I deliberately avoid visiting her. She puts my not visiting or calling her to my being busy. Cooped up in the house with the son, she is showing signs of mental instability. She once forgot to switch off the mobile and I could hear her screaming at the son who had perhaps soiled his pants. Can I not have a moment of relaxation? She had asked. Didn’t I just take you to the rest room? Why didn’t you relieve yourself then? Are you a dog – she had screamed. This was hardly the person she was a few years back. I really wish to be of help. How do I do it without compromising on my self respect??

‘The Palace of Illusions’

2011-06-13T20:19:00.000+05:30

I have just finished reading ‘The Palace of Illusions’ by Chitra Divakaruni Banerjee and I find myself viewing the well known epic Mahabharat from an entirely different angle. The authoress ought to be commended for approaching the epic from Draupadi’s angle. I would not say that I have never wondered how Draupadi felt on being married to five men or how she felt after the war was won. After all she was instrumental in pitching the Pandavas and Kauravas against each other and at the end of it just the five Pandav brothers remained. Draupadi lost her sons, brother, father and a whole lot of well wishers just because they chose to support her cause. Did she feel avenged or did she feel guilty? The book had answers to many questions that would often come to my mind. The concluding chapters were the best. Draupadi mellows down and realizes that the price paid to restore her honor was heavy and works towards counseling and rehabilitating war widows. She finally learns to let go. I would suggest book lovers to get hold of the book and enjoy it. It has a romantic side too harping on Draupadi’s unfulfilled love for Karna that remains buried in her heart till death. A review of the book is available here.

Soul Mate or Sole Mate?

2011-06-10T11:07:00.005+05:30

My 38^th wedding anniversary is just round the corner and I wanted to put down what life has been to me after I got married. Did I feel more secure? Less secure?? Ours was an arranged marriage so till date my heart refuses to skip a beat when I think of him. I think I really don’t have a romantic bent of mind. Parents got us married and after the initial hiccups we simply adjusted. I care a lot for him and he too reciprocates in equal measure. There are times when I wonder what if it had been someone else whom I had married? I suppose I would have taken my responsibilities seriously irrespective of whom or what my husband happened to be. I suspect that it is the same with my husband. Now that brings up my next question. In an arranged marriage like ours is the spouse one’s soul mate or sole mate.

Long back when my children were in their high school classes my husband and I would have our chat sessions while getting ready for work. I’d make him help with dicing vegetables and scraping coconut and we would have something or the other to talk about. It would be Lalu Prasad Yadav’s fodder scam one day or Jayalalitha’s foster son’s lavish wedding on another day. By then the children would get ready for school on their own and pack their lunch boxes too. I remember a particular instance when my second daughter who is normally quiet said-

“How much can the two of you talk, mummy? You go on and on and find new topics to discuss every other day.”

“Does it bother you in any way?”

“No, it doesn’t except when it gets a little loud. I wonder how our neighbor’s don’t protest.”

Nearly 20 years have gone by and we still chatter like school children. To be correct, I must add that he talks and I listen. But the timings have changed. He has retired from work while I haven’t. I ought to have superannuated this January but our retirement age has been increased by 2 years and I continue to work. It is something like this nowadays.

I am up around 5:30 in the morning and by then my husband has had his morning coffee. I rub my eyes and pick up my tooth paste and brush and my soul mate gets going-

“Do you know Kalmadi ………………

“Ramdevbaba ……………….

“Kanimozhi…………………

I have to tell him that I need to freshen up. Could he please wait a few minutes till I get done?

Otherwise I have just managed to climb the 52 steps that lead to my flat and slid into the sofa after throwing my purse and bag aside.

“Can you believe it? The spectrum scam …………”

I feel like asking him if it cannot wait till I have a wash and make myself a cup of tea? But I don’t. We are not only soul mates but sole mates as well. He is otherwise a very quiet person and takes time to make friends. He gets invited by other senior citizen to join their group but I am the only senior citizen he feels inclined to interact with. Like children that expect the mother to give them her attention once they return from school my husband too would like me to give him my time and attention. He has been alone all day and this is one thing he expects of me. Very early in our marriage we had mutually agreed that we would not discuss each other’s family. All families had a good side and a bad side in their set up. So it has to be national and international news that we discuss. And what do I get in return?

I am dragged for my morning walks since it benefits my health. Were it not for him I would sleep till seven in the morning. May be I wouldn’t but I would not religiously go for my walk.

He religiously wipes my car each morning. When I ask him to get someone to do it he refuses saying that they don’t do a good job of it. True, but prying eyes and wagging tongues do not keep quiet. Mr. Cha, the short one mentioned in an earlier post got into my car one morning asking to be dropped off at the market. For the favor I do to him he gets started-

“R does a good job of wiping the car each morning. He does it with a lot of care and concern”.

I wondered if he was being sarcastic. He then continued-

“He doesn’t drive does he?”

“No” I replied.

“Happy to be escorted by you, ha, ha!”

I felt like dumping him midway. When I reported this conversation to my husband he laughed it off saying-

“He is plain jealous that you can drive while his wife and daughter in law cannot. He has to wait for his son to take him anywhere in town. Poor man you should understand his predicament”. He is otherwise a sensitive person but when I am in the picture he has no complex and I love him for his simplicity.

Apart from this there are a hundred ways in which he makes himself useful and I do the same. He is technophobic and cannot handle ATM cards, internet booking/banking or even the mobile phone. And I’ve stopped making beds ever since I started working. I think that is what marriage does to one. A sole mate becomes a soul mate or is it the other way round? The two seem interchangeable. These days he takes up for my brothers and sisters while I defend his. The distinction has blurred and ours is one big family. We are planning a visit to Chennai and he has started accumulating ghee for my niece (sister’s daughter) who is expecting a baby!

I suppose arranged marriage is as good as love marriage if ‘soul’ and ‘sole’ become complementary as it does in most.

In continuation.........

2011-06-04T22:56:00.003+05:30

In continuation with my previous post I wish to add an observation made by me in the past couple of days. A family friend let me call him Mr. T, came over to our place saying that he wanted to consult my husband and me on an important matter. We knew that he had shortlisted a few houses to be taken on rent and guessed that he was unable to decide on the one that would be appropriate to house him and his ailing wife for the next year or so. His wife is on dialysis following kidney failure and the two of them were staying with their daughter in Chennai since her residence was at walking distance from a well equipped hospital. The couples are now in a dilemma. The daughter is expecting a foreign assignment and is likely to take it up. It would be selfish of them to expect her to let the offer go. But finding a house in Jamshedpur in a week’s time is also a difficult proposition. They have three other children but none of them is able to take charge. The older son is in America and is funding the treatment. The younger son is posted in rural Tamilnadu and has a touring job. Medical facility is not the best in the area he lives. The second daughter living in Mumbai is willing to take responsibility but her house if very far from the hospital and commuting in a metro would be hard on the ailing wife. And to top it Mr. T is the main care giver since he is the only one free to attend to her with both daughters working. He naturally feels that Jamshedpur being a known town this would be the best place for him to shift.

It is really no one’s fault as one can see. The children have been doing their best for the past two years. With time a certain amount of frustration tends to set in. The older daughter feels that she is taking on more than her share of responsibility. But apart from letting them stay at her place she does little else. No, there is no cause for complaint. the demand of her job is such that she has very little time to spare. Her mother walks to the hospital on her own for her dialysis and it is only when she returns after 4 hours that she feels weak and needs to hire an auto-rickshaw and it is Mr. T that escorts her to the hospital and back. Whenever Mr. T comes over to Jamshedpur the younger daughter takes over. But he is expected to return within 10 days because she has to return to work.

But to manage a patient all by himself would not be easy at the age of 68 I said. I mean there could be an emergency and as mentioned in my last post connectivity to our town is not the best. He is looking for accommodation close to the hospital that his wife would check into for her tri weekly dialysis. That part of the town is not the very best since the national highway is part of the route they need to take to reach hospital. Apart from being very far from our house it is accident prone and driving two /three wheelers in the area is risky. I remembered the time when these children were studying and Mr. T was forced to retire by the organization he worked for. His wife stood in support by his side and saw to it that their education did not suffer. I only regret that now that the financially difficult phase of their lives has been eased out health problems have crept in The relaxation that one looks forward to in the twilight of his/her life was perhaps not in their destiny. If this is the situation when children are caring and concerned I dread to think of a situation when finance is a problem and children bicker on who the care giver ought to be.

Whose fault is it??

2011-05-31T15:25:00.005+05:30

The last week was a very eventful eye opener. I realized for the first time that my husband too could have health problems. Touch wood he does not have hypertension or blood sugar. He has maintained his weight for the past 37 years and it has not crossed sixty kilograms ever. So I was naturally under the impression that with all the luxury ailments affecting me I was the one who needed to be enquired after and pampered. So, Imagine my shock when on our return from our morning walk, he, who was opening the door of our flat suddenly fell down without a warning and remained unconscious for... well, may be a minute. He had hurt the back of his skull and blood was trickling down. I was just a few steps behind him and when I rushed to him his eyes were upturned for a moment and even when he opened them he did not seem to recognize me. He smiled and asked whether it was six o’ clock already. Only when I shook him up did he remember that we had returned from our walk and that he had fallen down. He claims that he was fine when we climbed up and attributes his fall to gas in the stomach. I have no doubt that he was fine when we were returning since he was talking of Kalmadi and Kanimozhi and was indulging in his favorite Congress bashing on our way back. His 5’ 7” frame falling like a tree that is felled in one stroke, shocked me to the extent that I kept brooding over our future in Jamshedpur. In this otherwise pleasant city, medical facility and connectivity are not the best. My children in distant shores may not reach immediately even if they tried and what if one of us needed special medical attention? Those who wish to help us among our friends may not be able to move us out if the situation so demanded.

These were questions that kept haunting me when a second incidence shook me for a second time in the week. Relaxing during summer vacations was not destined for me I suppose. A neighbor, who lives in the floor above ours, suddenly took ill. She perhaps had a heat stroke since she spoke of having attended a house warming the previous afternoon. It was about 10:30 in the morning when we heard someone banging her door. We could hear her wailing from within. The door was bolted and she could not open it. My first thought was whether she had burnt herself. Soon there were four of us trying to coax her to open the door and all that the helpless woman could do was to scream incoherently. Thank God for the second rate material used, the door gave way and we entered. The lady had managed to wrap a night gown over her body and was writhing on the floor screaming like an animal in pain. It took us a while to understand that she was asking for glucose water. Her son was sent for and we rushed her to the hospital where she was administered glucose intravenously. She had loose motions in the morning and was severely dehydrated. She complained of severe chest pain too. Once she was in the hands of doctors, we relaxed. She is a widow having lost her husband when her son was seven years old. The boy is now 25 and is yet to find a suitable job. He is simple and naive unlike the street smart youngsters one sees these days. Luckily her son’s former tuition master is like family to them and she managed to ring him up for help. She is now better and has been discharged from hospital.

As if this was not enough a third incident had to take place that depressed me more than the other two. Mr. S mentioned in this post of mine had met with an accident a few days ago and the family planned to take him to Kolkata for further treatment. His daughter and son were sent for. The daughter works in Kolkata and had brought an uncle along to help her escort her father back. An auto - rickshaw had been sent for and they were about to leave when their son picked up a quarrel with his sister. Both parents were helpless when the boy flew into a rage and threatened to throttle the girl to death. The pleadings of the mother fell on deaf ears he just would not let go. The uncle finally managed to pacify him and gently took the father down. The mother also accompanied them but the boy stayed back threatening to burn the house down and he sounded as if he would do it. We could hear him scream for the next hour and cool down later.

These incidents indicate how helpless parents have become. We complain about not having any of our children in India but are those that have children at accessible distances any better? The boy mentioned in the third incident was my son’s play mate and grew up like any of the other children of his age. But the temper tantrums that I had earlier attributed to teen troubles persist even now. He is around thirty years old and instead of being a support to his younger sister is yet to take up family responsibility. I can imagine how helpless his parents must feel.

Society too has changed. The widow had to ring up her son’s tuition master living around two kilometers away for help. This only shows the kind of isolated lives we lead. Social visits have become a thing of the past. Neighbors do not share their problems with each other. It was my servant who told me that Mr. S who was on a two wheeler had been hit by a speeding vehicle and has sustained a head injury. Were it not for her information I might have taken show of temper as the regular thing that happened in households with a hot headed son. I do wonder whether the senior citizen’s home would be a better alternative to deal with the aloofness that has become part of society?

Of this and that........

2011-05-23T14:44:00.001+05:30

I’ve been a declared diabetic since the past 10 years and hypertensive since the past 12 years. Popping pills is something I’ve never liked but these health conditions do not allow even a day’s break from pill popping. I feel a little depressed at the thought of spending a fortune on pills and potions. Yes if I add the massage oil I apply and ayurvedic medicines I swallow for my arthritis and I think I spend a neat 1000 rupees per month to maintain my health. When I feel low I crib about these things, worry about the load my liver and kidneys take and wonder when the two will revolt. I know that they will sooner or later.

Apart from popping pills these ‘sukh rogs’(luxury ailments) prevent me from consuming food of any kind without feeling guilty and gluttonous. No sugar and minimum starch for my diabetic condition. Less salt, almost no pickles and papads and minimum oil for my hypertensive constitution. And a low protein diet with no tamarind, uncooked tomatoes and minimum salad vegetables is recommended for my arthritis. Any vegetable that grows underground is to be avoided. I am not a great fan of potatoes but yam and coco yam roasted crisp in oil and consumed with Mysore rasam……. The thought makes my mouth water.

Is it fair? I feel like throwing caution out of the window and consuming my favorite south Indian items with plenty of tamarind and asafetida. But I am subjected to weekly grilling by my children and glares by my husband the moment I extend a hand towards the pickle bottle. Poor man, he offers to give up spicy food on my account.

Oh, no why would you do that? I say and I really mean it.

But take the case of Mr. Cha…. and his friend Mr. Cha…….. residing in our apartment complex, both nearing 80 years of age. I haven’t met a cuter pair of oldies. One is tall and thin while the other is short and though not stout appears so due to his short stature. On quite a few occasions the two would stop me on my way to college and ask to be dropped at the local market some half a kilometer from my area. There would be other occasions when I would see them getting into someone else’s car and invariably got down near the market. They would not have any shopping bag or any such stuff and I’d regularly spot their sons and daughters in law carrying loads of stuff from the car parking area to their house. I assumed that their children did the main marketing and the two of them went to purchase things for themselves and I mentioned this to an acquaintance.

”Don’t you know why they go to the market so often?” she asked. “It is an open secret in our complex.”

The point is that after college I hardly go down to join the chat session that the ladies in our complex indulge in, after preparing dinner, in the play area of our complex. So I have very little knowledge of what goes on in the complex. It seems Mr. Cha…. and his friend are both diabetic and their wives do not include sugar or items rich in starch in their menu. The two go to the market, visit a few grocery shops and ask for jaggery to taste. They find fault with its quality saying that it was a little sour or slightly salty and move on to the next shop. That way they would cover a few shops and return home. The following day they would visit a few hotels and sweet shops and ask for whatever sweets that was fresh saying that they would taste the items first and decide on what to buy for the family. That way their craving for sweets would be satisfied as would their desire to outwit their wives.

I wonder why the desire to eat forbidden food is the general rule. It actually began with Adam and Eve. I felt like crying the moment my doctor said that I would have to reduce consuming tamarind. The pani puri and dahi papdi that we occasionally ordered from the college canteen included uncooked tamarind pulp diluted as per requirement. This had to be stopped as would the spicy chutneys and Tambrahm delicacies like ‘vattal kuzhambu and milagu kuzhambu’. My friends offered their support and for the next few days we survived on sprouted lentils and roasted Bengal gram. I felt more deprived than them and we decided on a middle path. We’d order pani puris once a month and restrict it to two plates between the six of us. And I would be allowed just one piece – no cheating or making a sad face – I was warned. My children were better. They monitored on a weekly basis and that too over the phone. Out here I have at least 5 well wishers ready to give up their favorite food items for me. I am indeed touched.

Actually my doctor is not that particular about my following a strict diet chart. God bless the man! He allows me everything and anything I wish to eat as long as I restrict my consumption to one or two pieces per day of any one form of fruit/sweets/pickle or papad. Fair enough. I love fruits and would gladly restrict myself to a permitted level rather than eat in excess now and be denied fruits in any form later.

Eat what you want to, but in moderation is the message. I have taken up the challenge of losing at least 2 to 3 kilograms of weight in the next four weeks. I am trying out what my daughter describes as liquid diet. Like a little dalia mashed and mixed with dal, vegetables and diluted with rasam. Or well cooked oats blended with milk. Anything that I consume has to be diluted and gulped down. Do wish me luck since I need to lose not just 3 kilos but at least 10 kilos of weight. I am starting with 3 kilos since I want to set realistic targets.

Minding one's business.........

2011-05-16T21:26:00.002+05:30

I often wonder why a person is good or bad. I mean the good ones really unnerve me. They see goodness in all things unlike normal people like me who rave and rant on issues that do not in any way affect them. Did I call myself normal? There are several people who beg to differ. An incident that took place long back comes to my mind.

It was almost 12 or 13 years back that a girl known to me joined our college as an assistant having got the job on compassionate grounds. The VC had been pleased to appoint her and she was to join immediately. Around the time several of our colleagues were working on ad hoc basis and were expecting their services to be regularized. They felt that the appointment of people on compassionate grounds posed a threat to the process of regularization of their services and opposed her joining. I tried to reason that the two issues were different and the vice chancellor’s order had to be obeyed. The VC may take their protests to mean dissidence and terminate their services instead of regularizing it. The very colleagues who had worked with me for nearly 16 years turned against me and interpreted my stand as my interest in seeing the girl, who was known to me, join our college. Sensing antagonism my colleagues tried to take me away from the scene. I stood right there trying to reason with the group. I then had an experience of dealing with mob frenzy and it was not very pleasant. At the end of the day my blood pressure soared and I was on medical leave for the next 15 days.

Till today my well wishers recount the incidence and say that there was no reason for me to have gotten worked up. It was not my service that was at stake and it was not me that was protesting. Why then did I have to worry about a bunch of ad hoc employees who were being fooled into believing that the appointment of one person on compassionate grounds would affect their being regularized? It was an issue between them and the vice chancellor and I was nowhere in the picture. It was enough to have to worry about one’s family and children. Did the group for whom I allowed my blood pressure to soar even acknowledge that I was truly worried about them?

While I get disturbed at the thought of my colleagues misunderstanding my intention, my friends think otherwise. They reason that with time the group did understand that they were wrong. The girl, whose appointment they opposed, did join on the very day and it was only 5 years later that services of the group of ad hoc employees got regularized. And above all I learnt a valuable lesson – to set my limits and never to take health risks. These days I try – remember that I only try – not to overdo anything. I have my friends to pinch me hard when I try to play the moderator and to advice me to allow people to learn for themselves.

I do wonder if I was wrong in trying to reason with a group of frustrated employees or if they were better off left to themselves. Like many other questions this question has either no correct answer or more than one correct option.

The world watches...........

2011-05-11T21:26:00.004+05:30

I consider myself a real dull person. Oh yes, I get ready and go to work and interact with my colleagues with whom I have managed to bond over time. But apart from that my social life is next to nil. Because of my arthritis I hardly climb down once I reach my 4^th floor apartment unless absolutely essential. For one thing I cannot remember faces. The other day a woman with a familiar face greeted me on my way back to my apartment. She was standing beside a man who I recognized as my friend Poornima’s brother who perhaps lived in Bokaro (or was it Dhanbad??) and I promptly decided that the lady was his wife.

“Returning home??” I asked taking care not to mention the place as I was not sure. The woman looked a little confused and hurt. I promptly rectified my mistake and pointed out to the gentleman and said –

“I meant him.”

“Yeah, my sister in law’s family is returning to Bokaro (Aha, I was not too far off the mark). I’ve come to see them off.”

I still could not place her however hard I tried. I decided to pretend that I was getting late for work and waved a hasty good bye and went home.

I spent the entire day trying to figure out who the woman was. I then remembered. She was the woman who’d keep peeping out of her bedroom window till the auto picked her daughter up for school. I’d spot the mother and daughter –one waiting for the auto and the other peeping from the window – during my morning walk. This was the first time I was seeing her as a person and not a face. She would wave out from her window and I would wave back. It was really very bad of me not to remember.

But then I do have a problem with faces. I can look at a person and think ‘he/she looks so much like X,Y or Z’. Only much later would I realize that it was the person who I took him/her to be and not anyone like him/her. And I have at other times smiled at the wrong person and almost asked “Kaise ho??” (How are you) stopping just in the nick of time.

I am what I am but then others are also what they are. The other day I went for a seminar on medicinal plants and had to leave a little before the program got over. I was not very familiar with the place and had asked a friend to take me along in her car. While I waited for her to reverse her car a gentle man, who was also apparently leaving, approached the gate.

“Leaving?” he asked.

“Yes, the program is almost over.”

“Didn’t bhai saab (my husband) come?”

Who in the world could this person be?? I wondered.

“No” I tried to restrict my responses to monosyllables.

“Are there any flats available in Geetanjali (my apartment complex) for rent?” he asked.

So he knew where I lived. I started feeling uneasy. I still could not place him.

“You need to ask the society officials” I replied. “They have proper knowledge of these things.”

“Coming straight from college?” he was in no mood to leave me alone. “I don’t see your car anywhere. You drive an Alto don’t you?”

“I accompanied a friend. But please tell me, do we know each other?” I thought that he was perhaps an ex colleague of my husband.

To my relief he replied-

“No, ma’am, I don’t think you know me. I regularly visit Dr. Bhattamishra who lives in your area since he is my nephew. I’ve seen you often on your way to college. I’ve also seen you and bhai saab returning from your morning walk. I heard from Saswati (the doctor’s wife) that you work in a local college and that your husband makes and markets excellent masala. I too live close by. Aha, I see that your friend is waiting for you. See you then.”

Out of courtesy I asked if he needed to be dropped anywhere. He declined saying that he had his own vehicle and that he was waiting for his wife to come out.

I was shocked and it took me a while to become normal. Here I was, leading an insignificant existence and a total stranger seems to know so much about me. It was quite shocking. On my way back I tried to recall the man’s face. I could recall the conversation but his face was a blur in my memory. Recounting the entire conversation to my friend on my way home, I wondered aloud whether I’d be able to recognize him if I met him again.

My friend laughed heartily saying that she would have to report the incident to my husband and make sure if I remembered his face as well as the faces of our other friends.

“I am not that bad” I retorted.

Another incident that took place almost twenty years back came back to my mind. It was summertime and I had no access to internet booking. I went in person to the railway station to book tickets for my daughter and niece who had to return to Chennai after the summer vacations. The queue was long and I managed to reach the counter just a little before it closed down. My niece had not got her concession countersigned by the station master at Chennai so I had to buy a full ticket for her. It was then that I realized that I was short of money by about a hundred rupees. The dealing clerk asked me to come the following day which meant another long queue.

“Ma’am” said a voice behind me. “Take hundred rupees from me and buy the ticket. Why do you want to waste time tomorrow?”

He gave me the money and I bought the ticket without even turning around to see who the person was.

I waited for him to emerge and asked him as to how I may return his money. Would he give me his address?

“Aren’t you a teacherji who lives in Kadma?” he asked.

“Yes” I replied “but how do you know me?”

“I’ve seen you boarding the auto rickshaw right outside Vijay Bhandar in Kadma. I am the shop owner Ravi’s cousin and I often stop by to chat with him and to have a cup of tea with him. You can give this money to him”.

I was touched. A total stranger comes to my aid knowing nothing about me. I always felt that Vijay Bhandar was an expensive shop and almost never bought anything from there. Yet here was a person who offered the right kind of help even without my asking.

When I think of these incidents I also feel that one may not watch the world but the world watches and makes a mental note of each one of us. We are judged by what we are and not by who we happen to be.

Ramblings of a grandma........

2011-05-02T20:56:00.005+05:30

I was feeling very very ancient when I spotted two college students, a girl and a boy, in the park where we had taken our students for field work and almost asked them why they had bunked class.

'None of your business', whispered my colleague. 'They are not our students. We are here to get our students acquainted with the flora of Jharkhand. We are supposed to 'see' green not 'go' green'.

The students belonged to two other local colleges. From her uniform (BBA and BCA students have a dress code in Jamshedpur) I could understand that the girl was from another women's college in town. They were also probably having fun at our expense. That they displayed a fairly high degree of intimacy was bad enough but they would constantly check out if we were watching as our lab attendant pointed out. Well with realty shows and 'Rakhi ka swayamvar' flooding our channels I think gray haired grandmas like me ought to 'see no evil' in teenagers romancing in public places. The government spends a fortune on their education charging them Rs. 24/- per month and paying us UGC scales. Would they listen if we told them that it was through the tax payer's money that we were getting paid and their parents were probably tax payers that contributed towards it. As far as they were concerned, I was a jealous cat , that's it!!

Had it not been for the brutal killing of a college student by her spurned lover, I might have ignored the activities of teenagers as part of their getting acquainted with members of the opposite sex. I feel worried now. I wonder if I ought to do something to make them realize that their studies should be placed high on their priority list. I mean what should colleges and schools do to prevent such incidents from happening? I have written about it here. Our youngsters are too precious to lose. What should be our role as responsible citizen of India in the matter?

Child Sexual abuse - right at our doorstep???

2011-04-25T20:46:00.000+05:30

The ongoing discussions on child sexual abuse are nearly ending. Survivor stories were truly heart breaking and I was moved to tears while going through them. I truly wish and pray that each one of them feels better after sharing their story and is now prepared to move on in life. Kiran and Monika deserve all the praise that one can possibly heap upon them for enabling us to participate on a very delicate but acute malaise that society prefers to pretend does not exist – at least not in one’s circle. It does exist and will continue to haunt little children unless we as responsible citizen pledge to do something about it. Let not all the trouble taken by the initiators of this project and others who actively participated in it, go waste. Let us each one keep our eyes and ears open and do our bit to help victims of abuse and their families now and always.

Having said this, I would really like to know the psychology behind such sexual perversion. I mean, it is not everyone that feels the need to molest young children and sexually abuse them. For every abuser there are several wonderful, normal fathers, uncles/aunts etc. I wonder if there is some way one can identify potential abusers. Most survivor stories indicate that such people pass off for very normal and caring human beings that make it scarier. I think the best course would be to build an atmosphere of trust in the family so that children feel comfortable reporting abuse.

The reports of abuse and survivor stories are going to remain with me for a long time. Thank you Monika and Kiran! I am now a much more sensitive human being because of you.

Teen troubles -3

2011-04-15T20:55:00.004+05:30

We hear a lot about teenage suicides these days. We had a seminar on the subject and it pained me to learn that teenage suicides in our industrial township are around 4 times the national average. Around the time when exams are held and results announced the suicide rates tend to peak. These days we feel less confident about scolding students. The other day a girl was talking to someone on the cell phone for over 30 minutes during class hours and I objected. Had it been two years back I’d have taken the instrument away, sent her to class and asked her to bring a note from her parents that they had given her the phone. This time around I merely said “If you wish to chat with your friends, do it anywhere in the college except this corridor. I have the habit of snatching phones. Please don’t give me a chance.” You see the teaching learning process continues and I am learning a new lesson every day. Who knows what the girl would do. If she prefers to talk over the phone during her class hours it was her problem not mine. Before I retire from my present job I plan to learn to smile at the girl and say “talking to your friend?? Please pass on my good wishes.”

I may appear to be joking. I am not. Our youngsters are ending their lives for reasons that seem to be trivial to us. According to experts there is a huge communication gap between parents and their teenage children. What is the reason for such a huge communication gap? My husband often recalls his childhood trips to his maternal grandparent’s home. The children would indulge in collective mischief and would be spanked by any adult who spotted their pranks. This adult could be an uncle, a neighbor or even a servant. Sometimes the actual culprit would escape punishment and someone else would get punished. They never took much notice as long as they got to spend time together. For every adult who spanked them there would be two others who would pacify them. No one bore a grudge and soon all was forgotten. These days one is not able to say anything to one’s own children, let alone a neighbor’s child. One reason for this could be lack of social interaction. When one interacts with those around it becomes evident that it takes all sorts of people to make the world.

Another reason is parental interference and support for wrong reasons. It makes them uncompromising and ill prepared to take set backs. Parents indicate that they would go to any extent fair or unfair to see their children outshine other children of their age. An unhealthy competition sets in and the child strives not for excellence but for one oneupmanship.

A third reason is misplaced expectations by parents on the children. A little girl I knew was good at elocutions and debates but she was just not interested in sports. Her parents enrolled her to play chess thinking that she would take to the game since it required mind power. Her father was a sportsman and he just could not accept the fact that his daughter was different. She had to excel in some form of sporting activity. The smart 10 year old asked her parents why it was necessary for her to do what they wanted her to do. When would she ever get time to do what she wanted to do? Her parents were intelligent. They let her grow at her own pace in the direction she chose rather than the one they had in mind for her. This is exactly how parents ought to act. Learn to draw a line between one’s ambition and its enforcement.

CSAA - april 2011

2011-03-28T17:11:00.002+05:30

April 2011 will be A Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month

If you would like to add to the discussion or know somebody else who would, please note that we welcome entries a. mailed to csa.awareness.april@gmail.com OR

b. posted as FB notes and linked to Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month Page OR

c. posted on your own blog with the badge and linked to the main blog OR

d. linked or posted on Twitter tagged twitter.com/CSAAwareness OR e. sent via some/all of the above methods The list of topics is available here. Anonymous contributions are accepted and requests for anonymity will of course be honoured. Please remember to send in a mail with all necessary links or just your input to csa.awareness.april@gmail.com so that we can track your contribution and make sure that it is not inadvertently lost or something. You can also support it simply by adding our the logo of the initiative in your blog's sidebar.

My views on marriage

2011-03-21T22:20:00.001+05:30

My comment on R’s Mom’s post on whether marriage is an over rated institution has evoked strong responses from several young readers as I had expected. Several young women seem to think that marriage is an over rated concept and that a woman/man need not marry unless the need for matrimony is strongly felt. They are not wrong in saying so. We have several young men and women postponing marriage for the simple reason that they don’t want to marry unless they find the right partner. Some do not wish to compromise on their careers and even those who do not have a good job and earn a small amount by taking tuitions or marketing home made snacks are seen to postpone marriage saying that if they marry a man with a modest income and a large family of parents, unwed sisters and unemployed brothers to support, they would have to continue earning their pocket money as before and cater to the whims of in laws who would treat them more as a domestic help than a daughter in law. To add to their misery they would be expected to produce a child (read son) within a year after marriage with no means to give him/her good attention let alone education. I cannot say much against this line of thought and I do agree that this happens in several families even today and girls are better off leading their lives as singles rather than marry a man who cannot take care of their needs.

I agree that my comment was based purely on personal experience. 40 years back I did have teething troubles and finally I did win hearts. Today I enjoy a good rapport with my acquired family and I don’t differentiate between them and my own. This was possible only because there was a willingness from all concerned including myself to accommodate the others in the set up. I won’t go into the reasons since they have no meaning now but it was possible only because of certain compulsions that were acutely felt both by me and my husband’s family.

These compulsions seem to have disappeared from people’s lives and society has changed a lot since the time I came to Jamshedpur as a new bride. I hope I am not wrong in saying that a marriage works only if there is mutual respect in the relationship. However, I do admit to feeling a little scared at the attitude that society seems to be acquiring towards marriage. The present scenario of a monogamous relationship with one’s spouse took years to evolve. I would suggest that one fights for mutual respect and dignity within marriage rather than claim that it is not indispensible. I had written about my friend Prema in an earlier post. There were times when I too had felt that she was better off without marriage. Today she is handicapped and with no children to support her and it is the husband who takes care of her. She had a promising career but she had to opt for medical separation after her stroke and while her colleagues earn 5 digit salaries she is stuck with 75% of her last drawn salary which is just around Rs.4000/- per month. Her husband’s siblings allow her to stay in the house built by their father only because she takes care of a mentally retarded sister in law and no one else wants to share the burden. Twenty years back Prema had dreams of raising children and having a successful career. Today she has only her marriage to fall back on and she is quite happy about it. She has no resentment towards anyone including her brothers and sisters in law.

People talk of shifting to old age homes post retirement. Prema cannot even afford the cheapest of such homes. Her own brother and sisters are all older than her and welcome her only on occasional visits. They have their health problems and are themselves dependent on their children. Prema has no one to turn to except her husband and their marriage works on mutual respect alone. Today I feel at least for people like her, marriage is an important part of their existence and what befell Prema can happen to anybody.

A final word. Desigirl of GGTS had responded to my comment by saying that we humans are social animals and rules that apply to wild animals need not be applicable to us. Several wild animals and plants have been domesticated and the wheat that we consume is one such example as are the cattle we rear. Their wild ancestors have been traced and several back crosses are done in order to bring desired qualities in them – disease resistance being one of them. Marriage is a tried and tested institution and one should strive towards improving it rather than giving up at the first challenge one faces.

My mother, my mentor.

2011-03-19T21:06:00.004+05:30

I really did not want to write anything on women’s day. It was quite depressing to learn of a college student being gunned down point blank and of a newly wed daughter in law running away with the valuables in her husband’s home both events taking place on 8^th March- the international women’s day. Why we get to hear of such extremes, I wonder. I mean according to Hating Women - a book by Rabbi Boteach “Together, men and women working can usher in a golden age of feminine awe and magic. Together, we can create a softer, gentler and brighter world illuminated with the light and warmth of the nurturer.” And I quite agree with this view. I don’t really subscribe to the view that since men have had the upper hand for centuries, we women need to get back by doing the very things that men did to prove their superiority. Women need to carry themselves with dignity and command respect.

Having said that I wish to give an example of a woman who inspired me. I don’t think she ever heard about women’s day and other such special days that one hears of these days. Yet to my mind she is one who is an inspiration not only to me but to all who have ever been associated with her.

She was visually challenged and had to drop out of school at the age of eight for fear of damaging whatever little vision she had. Initially it was not too bad. She continued to learn at home by listening to her younger sisters prepare for their examination. She would do some embroidery and tatting during her free time. Her father had tutors teach her English and Hindi and finally she married a doctor and left home. Her married life was not the best in the world – it had its ups and downs – and finally it came to an abrupt end with her husband’s untimely demise.

Then began the daunting task of raising two pre - school children and getting her daughters married. As far as she was concerned, her past was a closed chapter. It did not matter that her husband’s brothers chose to stay away from her life and were never available for guidance or advice. It did not matter that it was hard to plan for good education to her sons on the pension amount she received. But she did dream of a good career for them and hoped to marry off her daughters to men who would be responsible and hard working. In her own quiet way she did achieve what she wanted to. One never heard her complain about not having enough. One never heard her blame her stars for her fate or accuse her brothers in law of not being supportive. One could never understand if she ever longed to have a few more sarees in her wardrobe or if she ever wanted to replace her worn out gold chain with a new one if and when possible. She simply did not have time to waste on trivialities. Her sons grew up without knowing as to how her life as a doctor’s wife might have been. They had always known her to be a quiet and unassuming person who did not even have to raise her voice to discipline them. Her silence said it all. They would try their best to rise up to her expectation. It was this unassuming attitude that enabled her share the roof with her brother’s family till the daughters got married and the youngest of her sons took up a job after which she relocated to the place where her sons worked.

She was more than adequately rewarded for her efforts. Her last days were spent amid her sons, daughters in law and grand children and with the satisfaction of seeing her children well settled.

I’ve always considered her to be an achiever. People attribute her success story to many things. Her brother’s support for one and her children’s intelligence that won them scholarships for another. True, these have been promoting factors but no brother would support a sister who made life miserable for his wife and family. I cannot think of spending a life time with my children, let alone my brothers. I am sure to feel miserable in any set up other than my own. And a child’s intelligence has to be channelized in the right direction or else an intelligent child can be more of a pain than the average one. Finally people consider her to be plain lucky with a merciful God showering his blessings on her. They forget that she was unlucky to be born with weak eyesight and to lose her husband’s support early in life.

I cannot hope to ever be the person my mother was. But that does not stop me from admiring her for the person she happened to be.

Women Empowerment??

2011-03-11T22:26:00.001+05:30

I somehow feel disillusioned by the image of an empowered woman. It seems to be a myth. We have several women who are bread winners of their family but are they empowered in the real sense of the word? Education seems to sometimes act as an impediment rather than a tool that ensures the empowerment of women. Let me explain-

Sandhya was brought up to believe that it was wrong to be vocal. Her parents never encouraged discussions let alone arguments. She never ever learnt that one did not have to be aggressive to be heard. Raising one’s voice beyond a permissible level amounted to quarrel. Decent people did not argue. It was no wonder that when she got married she was at a loss not knowing how and when to be assertive. She had a job alright but it was her husband who’d decide if she needed to buy an umbrella or a raincoat during monsoon. He would ‘permit’ her to draw money from her salary account and assert to anyone who cared to listen that he was the provider in the family and that he never touched his wife’s money. If one were to believe him Sandhya’s bank balance had to be in lacs if not millions. But it was not so. What then happen to all the money she earned? She did not own jewelry or property, did not invest in stocks and shares. She could not bring herself to admit even to herself that while her husband was repaying their house loan and educating their children it was her salary that helped in running the house. It somehow seemed sin to say these things. The house as well as the husband and children were her own. She was not supporting someone else’s family, was she? But there were times when she felt that her contribution be recognized. Okay, if recognizing a woman’s contribution punctured her husband’s male ego, could he not refrain from claiming that he did not use her money? Was it too much to ask? But girls from decent families did not say such things. They simply swallowed the insult being directly or indirectly heaped upon them.

Rani on the other hand worked as a housemaid and earned around Rs.2000/- per month. Her husband was a vegetable vendor. It was her decision that her earnings would be spent or saved for her children’s future. Their education, school books, tuition fees etc were her responsibility. She puts aside a tidy sum for her daughter’s marriage. But food and provisions were to be taken care of by her husband. When he worked the family had enough to eat. However, there were days when he would get drunk and refuse to do business and there would be no food to eat. Rani would then take a stand. She would not cook food when the husband was around. She’d cook for her children, feed them, wash the vessels taking care not to leave any trace of having cooked a meal. She herself would make do with food given by her employers. This policy of ‘no work, no food’ would go on for sometime. The husband would finally have no option but to start selling vegetables once more. She would give him some money as capital, through someone else without letting on that the money came from her.

“I feel bad doing this didi,” she says. “But I want him to take some responsibility instead of squandering all his money.”

When I think of these two women I wonder which of them should be called empowered. Lack of education has not been detrimental to Rani’s feeling empowered. She has been able to take a stand that does not fit into the projected image of soft feminine energy but she, like Sandhya, has the family’s welfare in mind and asserts herself in a manner that seems appropriate to her.

Sandhya, on the other hand, though financially empowered, perhaps allows herself to be emotionally and psychologically exploited and is therefore not empowered in the real sense. I had suggested that education was perhaps instrumental in making women subscribe to a certain expected behavior. I feel that I am not absolutely right. Education or the lack of it cannot be detrimental to women empowerment. Being/feeling empowered is actually the result of a good deal of mental training and conditioning. If one is able to play an active role in decision making processes in her family and society and is able to express her opinion with confidence she has the right to call herself empowered.

Folklore as a teaching aid.

2011-03-06T20:39:00.002+05:30

It is long since I wrote or read anything. No particular reason for that except that I was busy preparing for a talk that I gave on the 1^st of March on “Folklore and Environment – an Indian perspective”. I must say that the talk was well received and I can actually pat my back for delivering it in Hindi. This was the first time I was addressing the audience in Hindi and I surprised myself more than others by showing a fairly good command over the language. Years of interaction with Hindi speaking people on a daily basis has actually fetched results. The credit goes to my colleagues and friends and discredit if any is entirely my own. Thank you one and all.

I think I should stop blowing my own trumpet and share with you a cute little story narrated by the other speaker Dr. Mahalik. Of course his talk was interspersed with several stories from Oriya folklore that were relevant to the conservation of the environment but the following one stood out. The essence of the story as I understood it is as follows-

A certain mighty and powerful king wanted to beautify the garden next to his palace. In the middle of the garden was a banyan tree that seemed to be spoiling its beauty. He ordered that the tree be felled. After all he was an all powerful king and it was well within his rights to do as he pleased. He therefore ordered his men to chop of the banyan tree that was nothing but an eyesore in an otherwise beautiful garden. The kings men went to chop off the banyan tree when the tree spoke asking the men to wait for just one more day before felling it. They saw no harm in conceding to a seemingly harmless request by the tree and granted the tree its wish. That very night the banyan tree appeared to the king in his dream.

“Oh, King!” Said the tree. “Why do you wish to chop me off? I am just a tree and I am not harming anyone. Why don’t you let me be?”

The king was annoyed and angry at the audacity of the tree that had dared to question his will.

“You stand right in the middle of my garden spoiling its beauty and you have the audacity to ask me for an explanation. I am the king of this country and I will do just as I please. You will be cut down tomorrow.”

“Of course” said the tree. “You have every right to do as you please. However, there is a small request that I wish to make. Will you just grant me just one wish?”

The king saw no harm in granting just one request to the tree that would in any case be felled the following day. So he agreed to grant the tree its wish.

“You have every right to cut me.” Said the tree. “after all I am occupying the central location of your beautiful garden thereby spoiling its beauty. However, there are so many birds that have made their nests on my branches and others that perch on my branches when they are tired. And what about the squirrels that run up and down my trunk as well as other life forms that have made their niche in me? It is my request that you make some alternative arrangement for them before chopping me down. And ask your men to cut me into small pieces so that the life forms that flourish in the soil beneath me are not harmed when my huge branches fall down.”

The tree’s request had the king thinking about the truth behind its words. He felt ashamed that a banyan tree should be so concerned about the welfare of other life forms when he was concerned only about his own pleasure. He revoked his order and let the tree remain right in the middle of the garden.

The seminar has set me thinking. I wonder if I could get hold of such stories and translate them for children? Dr. Mahalik spoke of eco-lore being an offshoot of folklore. The generation of pre - school and primary school children need to be encouraged to think about the recycling of resources and conservation of the environment. My initiative could be just a small step in this direction. I welcome ideas from one and all of you to get me started.

Parenting woes??

2011-02-06T21:39:00.002+05:30

Parenting a normal child has not been easy but it somehow seems to be manageable but parenting a child who is ‘different’ is a challenge. One would not know before hand whether a child is normal or differently able. When one does understand that his/her child is autistic or dyslexic or has an attention deficiency they find it difficult to accept it as a medical condition. The first reaction is that since everyone else in the family was normal there was no reason why their child had to be different.

“He/she is plain lazy” they often say. “He does not want to make an effort.”

I know of a boy S who was not able to read or write since he was dyslexic. His mother who was working in a bank failed to identify the problem and sent him for tuitions saying that he would be forced to follow a routine if an outsider coached him. The tuition master was not a trained teacher but a retired bank employee who took up tuitions to keep himself engaged. Since the mother had asked him to be strict with the boy, he had no hesitation in hitting him hard or throwing bound books and note books on his face. It took them a while to understand the problem and they finally got special permission for him to be assessed on oral tests and to their surprise he showed a good understanding of the subjects including Science but he simply could not read or write. For his 10^th boards he got someone to write for him and he passed with a high second division. The boy is now married and runs a nursery for plants and is called by builders to beautify the apartment complexes built by them. He maintains the gardens of at least six schools in town and has 12 to 15 employees working for him. He has a sound knowledge of plants, their flowering and fruiting seasons and the quality/ intensity of light required for each plant in the nursery. I wouldn’t know if he remembers the thrashings he received as a child or the humiliation he was subjected to. To me he comes across as a cheerful young man who knows his business. Yes, try getting a sapling from him for free and the businessman in him is on high alert!

Another boy K known to me is not dyslexic but is just not interested in regular studies. His dad is an administrative officer and would pluck out stars from the sky if he could to see his son do well in studies. The boy is everything that his father would not want him to be. He would like to learn to play the guitar or train in fusion music. He is generous hearted and thinks nothing of giving away costly branded sweatshirts and jackets to needy children saying that he has more shirts than he could ever wear and he simply could not see children of his age shivering in the cold. Both parents despair that their only child would never take up a career worth the name and may squander their hard earned money on worthless causes. They simply do not know how to make him understand that his generosity may be misplaced and people may befriend him just to fleece him. Their anxiety is not misplaced considering the times we live in. What then is the solution? Suranga has written a beautiful post on how times have changed and it has set me thinking. Affordability has increased and children get what they want. But is it making them laid back and easy going? Will it make them less appreciative of the facilities they get so easily? But then K’s case confuses me. He is different to the normal upper class children who would not spare a thought or cast a second look at their needy counterparts. I for one feel that his parents should encourage him to be kind hearted but should also tell him that working on building a future for himself would help him to work on philanthropic causes in a better way and he could always take up fusion music as a hobby. Unfortunately, parents, in their anxiety, yell at him and he is unable to openly communicate with them. The distance between them keeps growing. I can only hope that with time a middle path may be found and all will end well as in the case of S.

I wonder what makes a child react the way K does. Does it have something to do with lack of communication? Or is it misplaced ambition on the part of parents? I think I am on the verge of learning a new lesson. The rich like the poor also face problems but they are worse of because they have an image to protect and cannot openly discuss the sore points in their lives.

On myths and misunderstandings.........

2011-01-29T15:55:00.000+05:30

I cannot believe that I’ve actually turned sixty. Oh yes since the calendar says so I decided that it was time to look back and see how I have evolved as a person. If, over the years, I’ve managed to learn from mistakes and change any misconceptions that I might have held then it is certainly worth the streaks of grey hair on my head!

Let me first think of the misunderstandings about mankind that I once had and now stand corrected.

Having been treated to a generous dose of mythology by my mother I always had an idea of what angels and demons stood for. Ravan was a demon king and so were many others. Angels were good and kind hearted. I readily believed that any one who consumed alcohol or spoke in a loud voice was bad. Having heard of Prahalad I decided that those who did not believe in Hari (Vishnu) were bound to rot in hell. Good and bad were compartmentalized with no grey in between.

Ramayan and Mahabharat are all time favorites of mine. I was in terror of Ravan as a child. With time I realized that he was not that bad a person. He abducted Sita and wanted to marry her and that was wrong. However, he did not force himself on her but rather hoped and waited for a change of heart. Ram on the other hand stood tall for his monogamous relationship with Sita at a time when it was common for kings to marry more than one woman. He was a just king and obedient son. However, he too failed to place absolute trust in his wife’s chastity and sent her on exile when she was pregnant. I have the highest regard for the epic and the message that it conveys. No one is perfect – the best among us have their faults and even the seemingly wicked people have a good side to his/her nature. If only their good qualities are encouraged and their talents appreciated the world may be a better place to live in.

I had been under the impression that those that did not believe in Hari or Lord Vishnu would head for hell on hearing of the story of Bhakta Prahalad. Then I heard of Bhakta Markandeya who believed in Lord Shiva and was granted the boon of immortality. I promptly decided that all gods worshipped by Hindus would perhaps grant entry into heaven but it all changed when I went to study in a boarding school which had a good number of Anglo- Indians and Indian Christian students. They confused me by saying that Christ alone would grant salvation and my polytheist religion stood no chance at all. At one point I even felt bad that either way my Christian friends and I would have to part ways and that was when I suggested that any one who believed in God would perhaps be allowed entry into heaven whatever be the religion they practiced and my friends nodded half heartedly.

With time I have realized that those among us who claim to be atheists and agnostics are actually much more sensitive human beings than those who claim to have religious affiliations. With the human race messing around with nature and creating an ecological imbalance I feel that nature worshippers have actually played an important role in conservation of available resources, be it medicinally valuable plants or water sources. Tribal communities are indeed lucky to have lived in close association with nature and Humanism is the only religion that ever needs to be practiced.

Having heard stories of dowry menace and dowry deaths, I felt annoyed that the practice should have been endorsed by the Indian society. With time I realized that the fault lies not in arrangement of giving one’s daughter a capital to fall back on at the time of financial setback but rather in society’s interpretation that it is a bargaining tool and uses it for its own convenience. Yes, the boy’s family bargains for a better dowry in cash and kind as if it is theirs by right and the girl’s family uses it to flaunt their purchasing power. The very purpose for which dowry or ‘streedhan’ was initially given has been long forgotten.

I used to think that a parent is actually entitled to decide about the course a child’s life ought to take. I now feel that while a parent’s input is important its importance is quite short lived. The brat and the bean have minds of their own and are judging you for the person you are. So instead of expecting them to be on their best behavior watch out for your own. A seemingly innocent remark can catch you unawares and make you feel petty. I am not talking of your adolescent son or daughter who will not even bother to point out but of 5 and 7 year old children.

And finally the misconception that those who consume drug or alcohol in excess were bad-

I have had the opportunity of interacting with at least two men with an addiction for the bottle and I have found them to be excellent human beings. They are much more versatile, kind hearted and generous than the average person. They are talented and artistic even without formal training and any behavioral problem they may have is due to their addiction. Addiction in any form is bad but alcoholics stand out because they are unable to think or act coherently. They need to be helped to get rid of the addiction and not criticized. I know that it is easier said than done and their families go through a lot of mental and physical torture. I only mean to say that while the addiction is bad the addict is not.

I think I did a good thing to put all this on pen and paper. I have learnt a lot but there is still a long way to go with four grandchildren waiting to tutor me.

My Grandpa Will Not Die.........

2011-01-23T13:16:00.001+05:30

My grandpa is not going to die soon. He plans to score a century"...........

"My mother in law will not leave till she swallows her only surviving son"...............

"I need to get on with my life. I cannot be responsible for my mother all my life. I plan to put her in a home and accept my promotion with a transfer"...............

Old age and the available medical technology to prolong life have evoked such comments from the kith and kin of old people who live but have no life. I do not know whether their caretakers ought to be blamed because in most of these cases children have tried their best to look after them but are reacting to the frustration that sets in when one feels helpless.

I remember having a talk with my husband a few months back. An elderly relative had just passed on and his family felt relieved. The affection was there alright but the death gave them a much desired freedom to plan a holiday or pay a visit to their children in distant shores. I had then expressed my opinion in favor of mercy killing in my own case.

"I'd be pained to be the cause of any inconvenience to my children. So in the case of an incurable illness I wouldn't want anyone to prolong my life with medication. I'd be glad to go."

My husband made a joke of it.

"The police would arrest me in that case and you'd be unable to leave on your heavenly journey in peace."

"I am serious. I would want you all to let me go."

There was pain in my husband's voice when he said-

"Is it that easy? What if it was me that is terminally ill? Would you then let me die? I too would not want to be a burden to anyone."

His words set me thinking. I had not thought of it from anyone else's point of view. But what then is the solution? It is so common to see people leading a healthy and sometimes not so healthy life even after they've entered their nineties. Their children are retired pensioners with as many if not more health problems. Medical expenses keep soaring and the next generation in all probability has moved to distant places in search of a satisfying career with a good pay package. A weekly phone call and an annual visit is all that they have time for. This is where I feel senior citizen's homes help. This is no longer a home for abandoned parents. This is a place where one can perhaps get the care that an ageing parent deserves – so what if one has to pay for it? In these days of unreliable domestic help, would not an arrangement that takes care of cooking and cleaning be a viable option? I know of a couple relocating to a senior citizen's home in Pondicherry after retirement taking with them their mothers aged 85 and 82. They sold their house in Jamshedpur and invested the money prudently to ensure adequate monthly returns and now lead a peaceful life. They visit their children and relatives as and when they feel like it and their mothers are looked after by the staff in the home. They receive visitors too and do not feel the strain because they have the option of ordering food from the mess and both groups are happy. More than other things medical attention is readily available with 24 hour ambulance service and a tie up with hospitals ensures that they are treated immediately. Under the present scenario I feel that one should consider this a possible option along with that of moving in with their children at some point of time.

And they had better remember that adjustments have to be made whatever their choice.

Dealing with mental disorders.........

2011-01-17T21:16:00.002+05:30

I keep thinking of the problems posed while dealing with mentally challenged individual's and wondered if along with the patients, parents and siblings of such people need to be counseled on ways to deal with them. I have written about it here and wonder if you could have a look and offer suggestions.

Gup Shap

2011-01-14T22:40:00.000+05:30

My computer is like a whimsical child who is out to act difficult. It just would not get started for the past one week despite having called a service engineer who addressed the problem and rebooted it thrice in my presence and the next morning the problem persisted. It is purely by chance that I managed to start it today so here I am quickly typing out my thoughts hoping that it won’t conk off again before I finish. I wonder how life was before I learnt to use the computer. I remember the time when my daughter spoke of a colleague snatching the mouse from her and I almost shrieked at the thought of my daughter holding a live mouse in her hand and the colleague snatching it from her. That was nearly 10 years back and I only knew that a mouse was a yucky rodent that had better be out of my sight. Today, I have become like a spoilt child and cannot write a complete sentence legibly using pen and paper. I type with one hand with my eyes on the key board. Yet I prefer computer typing to using pen and paper. I wonder how I dealt with the lengthy 4 hour examinations during my masters. I think I’ll get myself a cursive English handwriting book and practice writing along with my grand children.

And what about letter writing that was considered an art when I was growing up? I remember arriving at the Steel city some 38 years back and the only available mode of communication with my folks was through letters. I’d wait eagerly for letters from my mother and reply almost immediately. The practice continued when my daughter went to college. By the time my son went to college we got a telephone at home and it was adieu to a practice that I had cultivated since the age of twelve when I first went to a boarding school. Now with mobile phones available one does not even have to remember telephone numbers! Connectivity has improved but there are times when I wonder if there is a negative side to this privilege. Take for example the case of a girl known to me-

A…. was a friend’s daughter. She got married soon after she graduated and was hardly prepared to deal with the responsibilities associated with marriage and married life. As it happens with most of us she too tried to see her mother in her mother in law and was naturally disappointed. But she had the facility of talking to her mother from the privacy of her bed room and would invariably ring her up every night briefing her about every problem she faced. Unable to help the daughter living in far off Bangalore, the mother would cry herself to sleep wake up the next morning with a headache and worry herself sick about what may or may not be happening in her daughter’s life. If I compare my own life with hers, I have to admit that I too faced teething trouble in the initial months of my marriage. But I’d be careful about what I actually wrote. That I would not want to trouble my mother who had enough to deal with even without having to worry about me was one reason the other being that a written document could always fall into other people’s hand unlike a personal conversation. With time, adjustments were made and I learnt to regard my acquired parents with respect for the kind of people they were instead of comparing them with my own parents. I wonder if such maturity in my approach could have been possible if I had the privilege of talking to my mother over the phone on a daily basis. A mother’s reaction tends to be biased and it is perhaps better to deal with a new set up on one’s own unless of course it is a really unbearable one.

Here again I can almost hear my young readers ask me as to what exactly qualifies to be an unbearable situation? I really have no answer. So I think I’ll end with a story I like to repeat.

A woman would deliberately leave for the temple soon after her son arrived from office since she wanted her son to bond with his newly wed wife. She remembered the time when as a young bride she had longed for a few private moments with her husband and her own mother in law would keep him engaged in meaningless conversation on his return from work. She was therefore surprised to hear her daughter in law complain to a friend that her mother in law seemed to be a work shirker with no real affection for her son.

“It looks as if she was waiting for me to arrive. The moment Anil arrives from office she goes off to the temple. I have to slog in the kitchen preparing tea and snacks and she deliberately returns after all the work is done. I wonder if he ever got to eat a decent meal before I arrived. Poor boy…….”

Having said this I’d like to add, at the cost of sounding hypocritical, that I too use the mobile, computer and all the facilities that the 21^st century offers. I’ll be turning sixty soon and I have to behave like one. What better way to begin than by comparing my times with yours??

A Happy Year 2011

2011-01-04T21:07:00.003+05:30

My very first post for the year 2011 should naturally begin with my wishes to each of you for a very happy, scam free New year. Wishful thinking but I do hope we put our heads together and think of what can be done to improve the quality of life rather than let sensational report be utilized to improve the TRP ratings of news channels.

My visit to Mumbai, Bharuch and Shiridi was a memorable one. I got to meet Suranga in person and felt that I had known her all my life. She is the fourth blogger I got to meet. Artnavy, Usha and Mallika (Eve's lung) being the other three. I've spoken to Riti (Itching to write) over the phone. It was a pleasure getting to know you and as for the rest whom I haven't met let me say that each of you is as precious and hopefully we may still meet up any day any time.

How does one feel when one meet a cousin after 35 years and her husband for the first time? That's what happened when I visited Bharuch. It was so nice to meet A... about whom I had only heard in a favorable light and again my husband and me took to him instantly. My husband who takes time to open up surprised me when he said that he wished to talk to A... on our return from Bharuch. Since I can count the number of times he has spoken to me or to his own sister and brother or to our children for that matter, I concluded that he must have felt connected to A... Hats off A... you have indeed achieved something!

I wonder if I should switch over to the reading mode for the next few months? My posts are becoming repetitive and I seem to have nothing new to write about. But then the talkative person that I am, I may just forget my resolution within a week and want to share my observations with you all!

It is rather cold in our parts of India though not as bad as the North as in Delhi or UP and Rajasthan. My knees are a constant reminder of the chilly weather. that reminds me. Suranga had advised me to check my B 12 and D 3 levels. I think I'll do it soon- after all health is wealth isn't it?

A Happy New year all of you. please come up with ideas to deal with scamsters and the like who think nothing of depriving children below poverty line of precious milk meant for them as has happened in the Aanganbadi in our town.

Adjustments in a relationship.

2010-12-19T19:03:00.003+05:30

Womens web has invited opinion on adjustments in a relationship quoting examples of three young working women. I have dealt with a slightly broader perspective and reached the conclusion that adjustment based on mutual concern and respect works well enough but it becomes a burden when it is one sided irrespective of whether it is the man or his wife that adjusts.

Adjustment is an ambiguous word that cannot be properly defined. It has one meaning when applied to women and quite another when applied to men. It applies to the wife and daughter in law but never to one’s mother or sister or daughter. Does adjustment mean submission? May be or may be not. It depends on a person’s expectation from those around him/her. An alcoholic’s mother may expect her daughter in law to adjust with her son’s drinking habit but how about handling the alcoholic son for a few days in the absence of her daughter in law? After all he was her son for 30 long years before he became her husband. And perhaps she was the one who got him married to an unsuspecting girl to shift responsibility.

When does adjustment become submission one may ask. It is a difficult question without a correct answer. It perhaps depends on one’s own level of tolerance. May be adjustment becomes meaningless when one begins to feel that the relationship is onerous and untenable. No relationship is an equal 50:50 partnership deal. This applies not only to marriages but to any relationship that involves give and take. But when one is in a mood to adjust if not a perfect 50/50 ratio, a 40/60 or a 35/65 ratio may work. Beyond that it becomes a burden. Think of a situation in which a whole wing of an apartment complex has to share water from a common overhead tank. Of the 6 households in the wing some may waste more water than others. This may be tolerated till the others manage to get a decent amount of water for their personal use. But if those that use water responsibly have to face water shortage due to the callousness of the others there is bound to be tension to the extent of making civil behavior among them impossible. Water, after all is an essential commodity.

In quite a similar manner adjustments have to be made in a marital relationship. In India marriage implies the union of two families. Very often the boy’s family has an upper hand and the girl and her family adjusts. There are also cases where the boy has to adjust with a whimsical wife who has decided to dislike his family from day one. The boy’s family, in such cases, reciprocates in equal measure making life a living hell for him or maintains a safe distance from him in their effort to ensure peace in their son’s life. It is also seen that a whimsical, demanding spouse just uses his/her partner’s family as an excuse to start a quarrel. Their behavior persists even after all demands have been met with and there is no interference from the extended family. So one is forced to conclude that in several relationships adjustments made are one sided and the person who is the more adjustable feels unhappy at the thought of having been at the receiving end of a dominating partnership.

It is often said that a woman is expected to be more adjusting and this is the advice she gets from her own family at the time of her marriage. In the Indian context there are several reasons for this expectation from a woman. The girl child is considered as ‘paraya dhan’ or property that actually belongs to her husband’s family entrusted to be cared for by her parents till her marriage. She becomes an outsider in the very home that she was born into once married. She has to deal with any discomfort she may face in the new set up. If such is the expectation by her own family, her in laws are no better. She has no probation period nor is she gradually initiated into a family of strangers with alternate ways of handling a situation. No one realizes that she needs time to accept the family acquired by marriage as her own.

Another reason for such an expectation is perhaps the misplaced expectation from a son. In the Indian set up a son’s birth is welcomed because he is expected to look after them in their old age. A daughter’s arrival unfortunately seen as a wasteful expense since she would be ‘given off’ in marriage and would be of no practical value to them. Till such an attitude persists girls would be expected to adjust even in the most difficult situations and her return to her paternal home would never be encouraged.

I tend to deal with cases that indicate that the woman is the one who adjusts. These are the more debated examples. But men have also adjusted stretching themselves beyond normal limit to make a relationship work. Society looks down upon a man who adjusts and he prefers to maintain a low profile and never lets on that he too has had to put up with an arrogant boss or an uncompromising wife. It is plain to all who wish to see that adjustments are meaningful only when all those involved in a relationship are equal contributors in an effort to make it a pleasant and long lasting one. This is possible only when there is mutual respect and sufficient breathing space to allow it to flourish.

Informal Education

2010-12-14T21:26:00.002+05:30

It is long since I posted anything the reason being the onset of winter and the tendency to curl up on bed with a book whenever possible. I am reading an interesting book by Dr. Bruce Lipton – The Biology of Belief and it has given me an insight into the role played by the mind in shaping one’s health. No, I am not done with the book yet but being a biology teacher myself I realized that there was lot more to biology than what is being taught in its conventional form. It is like learning my subject all over again.

While dealing with Biology in its unconventional form I was inspired to think of the unorthodox modes of teaching and was forced to admit that those who broke away from the routine of class room teaching and practiced self learning in varies forms have actually benefitted from it. A look around me does identify a few people known to me who were criticized when they broke away from the tried and tested path but have indeed proved their critics wrong. Ramani was one such person.

Rmani was in class 9 when he ran away from school and returned after 24 hours saying that he was drugged and abducted by a stranger who offered him sweets in the local train while returning home. He managed to escape when he gained consciousness. Apparently his abductor had left him unattended and had gone off to have a cup of tea. The boy gave him a slip and boarded a train to Chennai to return home. His version was authenticated by the station master of Katpadi junction whom he had approached for help. The boy was brilliant but was never regular in class. He would not finish his assignments on time and ask his teachers pesky questions much to their irritation. He managed to finish school and joined a prestigious college in Chennai. He dropped out within a year saying that he found classes boring and he did not expect to benefit greatly by the outdated syllabus that was being followed. He wanted to be left alone till he decided on what was best for him. His parents almost fell at his feet asking him to first finish his course and ponder on what he wished to do with his life later. The boy was adamant and their pleas fell on deaf ears. Six months later he purchased books on computer technology and for the next 3 years did a lot of self study. Without a degree to support him, the boy started his career as a software consultant working for up and coming companies. He charged a pittance for his services if at all. Very soon word spread around and today he works from home earning not less than a lakh per month. He is invited to Latin America, Korea and Portugal to train those with engineering degrees and he has the final say on the structure and duration of the course. His wife is an MCA graduate but she gladly admits that he is more knowledgeable than her. He now admits that the story of his abduction in class 9 was not true. It was an experiment he tried out to escape the monotony of his school routine and simply an extension of his imagination.

Lalita was always drawn towards nature and believed that one could learn more from nature that all the conventional text books put together. She left home with her children - two of them minors – and lived in an aashram in the Western Ghats. She encouraged them to learn from their surroundings and at their own pace. She bought a lot of books for them and allowed them to apply the knowledge gained from books to their daily lives. Her children are now settled in life. To call them brilliant would be an understatement. With no formal education they are experts in their respective fields. When I think of them I wonder if we are doing the right thing by pressurizing our children to learn by rote or imposing a curriculum that has no relevance or application to their career or day to day life. Yet how many of us are willing to take a chance? I may appreciate such people from a distance and refrain from criticizing them but would I have the confidence to try it out on my own children/students? I am afraid not. The famous saying ‘better safe than sorry’ is perhaps more applicable to most of us.

Having said this it is only fair to add that informal education only benefits children that are receptive to it. I know of a father who was of the opinion that children ought not to be coerced into following any routine. He had a successful career and according to him, since his own father never imposed anything on him and he would do the same and let his children decide for themselves about what they would do with their lives. Unfortunately his son needed the guiding influence of a father and was unable to cope with the strain posed in the prevailing competitive environment. He was an average student with a flair for painting and music. With a little encouragement and a lot of appreciation the boy could have done well enough in class but the father being disappointed with him chose to blame his wife’s upbringing as well as her genes for his dismal record. His only argument was that since his own father had allowed him to study at his own pace and he turned out to be successful there could be nothing wrong with his method. He never even suspected that the method that worked for him may not be appropriate for his son. Today the son lacks confidence and longs for a kind word from his father more than anything else.

I haven’t yet finished the book but the title The Biology of Belief is impressive. Belief in one’s potential enables one to make an appropriate choice from the available environment. If a child is able to believe in his own capabilities he can make it big even if he is a school drop out because he imbibes life’s lessons by practical methods. If on the other hand he lacks confidence it becomes the duty of his parents and teachers to give the necessary moral boosting to acquire it. Whether the required training is formal or informal hardly matters. If the child’s potential has to be awakened a chain of mutual trust linking him to his environment on the one hand and his parent on the other has to be established. And once this chain is established it can work wonders to the internal system of an individual

On motherhood.........

2010-11-26T19:49:00.005+05:30

Starry eyed had raised a question in her post on whether a surrogate mother, mother to an adopted child or a woman who has lost a child due to death or miscarriage and one who has been cut off from her children for whatever reason is still a mother. The inputs from her readers are interesting and most agree that a mother need not necessarily be a biological one to qualify as a mother. Surrogate mothers as well as those who adopt children are all mothers. Surrogacy and adoption are to my mind more superior forms of motherhood because society’s prying eyes keep watching them at every step and dealing with them is much more tough– this thankfully is a problem that biological mothers do not face. However, motherhood is a social responsibility in itself and however hard one tries on hind sight there is always a lingering doubt as to whether one has failed in this or the other aspect.

I have been a mother for 36 years and my role as a mother has seen its ups and down despite having tried my best. But one of the conditions mentioned bothers me. Does a person who is cut off from her child for whatever reason qualify to be a mother? Cut off from one’s children? Is it possible, I wonder? One may be physically cut off from her child but emotionally? Not easy at all I feel.

When I was growing up it was normal for children to be raised by grandparents’ preferably maternal grandparents. It was not unusual to have 4 to 6 children in quick succession so the older children would be conveniently left behind to make life easy for the mother. My own grandfather had at least 6 grandchildren staying with him since their fathers had transferable jobs and their schooling was getting disrupted. I often used to wonder how the children felt about it. While a mother may still feel connected to the child would a child feel the same way?

My father in law and his brothers had all left their oldest son to be educated and looked after by their grandparents mainly because Jamshedpur being far off they felt that this was a way to help their daughters. I had myself left my daughter with my mother for a year just when she had begun to recognize me and would refuse to go to anyone from my lap. It was not easy to not listen to her first words and watch her take her first steps. But then I had my compulsions and I hope I haven’t been considered less a mother because of it.

Having said this I come back to the original question. Who is a mother in the real sense? A biological mother has an edge over others in that she gets to decide what is best for her child. I know of a girl who did not conceive even 6 years of marriage and she decided to adopt her husband’s younger sister’s third child – a daughter. Within a year she got pregnant and had a biological child – again a daughter. As far as I can see she is good to both children and treats them at par. But her parents in law keep looking for subtle differences in their upbringing even where there are none. With time she got frustrated and showed them the door. According to her they were being over protective about the adopted child who was by chance their biological granddaughter too and were poisoning the child’s mind. It was impossible to raise the children as long as they interfered. If one’s own family views a mother’s intention towards her adopted child with suspicion why not the world around her?

A mother to my mind is one who knows to strike a balance between the affection that she feels for the child and the responsibility that she faces in making him/her a person fit enough to take his/her place in society. It is not easy but one has to try. When my children were in their primary classes my husband would drop them to school and they would come home by local transport. On rare occasions I would pick them up from school on my way back from college. The thought of my children standing in the sun waiting for a bus was not very comforting but I could not bring myself to leave a little early to pick them up. It was equally difficult for me to ask for favors from my colleagues in college on a daily basis. But then I encouraged them to go to school by cycle and they became independent pretty soon. So these little set backs actually worked in their favor – so what if the world considered me a bad mother who was hard on her kids.

And then what about mothers whose intentions are good but approach is questionable. Like a mother in a joint family who supposedly would carry a pail full of buttermilk with thick curd at the bottom. While serving her own children she’d take out the curd from the bottom and serve diluted buttermilk to other children in the group. While I agree that individual care for one’s own children is not possible in a joint family set up some middle path has to be adopted. May be the buttermilk and curd could be churned together so that all children get to consume a fairly nutritious diet. I feel a mother needs to be fair minded if she wants her children to get the right message regarding their interactions with their peers.

I’ve almost forgotten another group of mothers - the step mothers. They are the most maligned group among mothers. True, the step mother who has to bond with a child who is not her own and who is a constant reminder of a woman who was once an important person in her husband’s life. Like the case of mothers of adopted children she has to walk on tight rope. I had discussed about a few step mothers who were very caring and affectionate in this post of mine and pointed out that despite the impression one has about the group, there are several who are very good mothers and let us give them due credit.

I have seen women without issues being universal mothers. Having one’s own children has acted as a limiting factor. You love your own children and are so focused that there is no real need to look around and spare a moment for other children. But very often a childless aunt makes herself available whenever approached. She is able to treat a whole bunch of nieces, nephews and other children in the neighborhood with equal affection and one wonders whether her not having children of her own was because she was destined to be mother to more children than she could have ever borne herself? I know of one such person myself and remember her with the same affection that I have for my own mother.

I have to conclude by saying that the natural maternal instinct shown by a woman has little to do with bearing and rearing a child. It cannot be attributed to biological mothers alone. What makes one a mother in the true sense of the word is her ability to understand the responsibility that is involved in grooming children to become an integrated part of society. Anyone who fulfils the role is indeed a mother whether or not she happens to be a biological one.

Endorsing corrupt practices???

2010-11-16T21:37:00.001+05:30

The TV is full of news about corruptions and scams. A survey conducted by the news channel CNN-IBN points out that politicians and bureaucrats are mainly responsible for the present situation. I, for one, strongly believe that a situation, good or bad, takes a while to develop and take shape and if it were not for the indifference shown by the common man, no one, however highly placed, could have got away with being part of a multi - crore scam. So in a way I am as responsible as the scamsters for the situation.

Long back, when I had just taken admission in a local college to do my masters, I was told that one of my class mates had perhaps tampered with her B. Sc. Results. Those were days when results were announced in local news papers and according to the news paper the girl had obtained a second division but her mark sheet indicated that she had first division marks. She could not have otherwise got admitted to the master’s program since the cut off marks for the year was 62.5 and our HOD being a very strict person would not have allowed her entry. I was about 12 to 14 years older than my class mates and having worked in a college for nearly 5 years I knew that very often due to printing mistakes the results announced in newspapers are often incorrect and I said as much to my class mates. Just then the girl in question arrived and when confronted she openly said that her father being an IAS officer was in a position to influence people and she had indeed been favored. Had the rest of us been in her position we might have done the same. It happened all the time and her father in turn would oblige people with favors when his turn came. I was too shocked to respond. The girl however did not continue for long. She married a man in the administrative services and left within months. I can only make guesses regarding the favors her children might have obtained along the way since they had not only a father but also a grand father lobbying for favors on their behalf. Not that I could have done much but the least I could have done was to have voiced my protest/opinion in the matter. But I did not. I felt that she would not understand since her upbringing was different. She was brought up to believe that she was entitled to certain favors by virtue of her dad’s position.

We later had a student whose dad was a senior professor in a reputed college. The girl was bright enough to obtain a first division by her own efforts. But her brother was an IAS topper and had a brilliant academic record. She was under tremendous pressure from her family to top the batch. Her dad would ring up evaluators and examiners and casually pass on her roll number to them. However, the examiners were not influenced and she did not top the class let alone the entire batch in her undergrad examination. She went on to do her masters and was caught cheating on the final day of the university examination and was debarred. She later got married and left the town. If her father had not interfered she would have managed to pass with good marks. But the man wanted to flaunt her as being outstanding and she ended up being disgraced and debarred. I wonder why we could never bring ourselves to tell the father that he ought to leave her alone. He was a very senior academician and a good teacher. But is there any rule that says that his daughter had to be the best? We found excuses to remain silent and our respect for a senior colleague was just one of them.

Can we blame our politicians and others in influential positions for being corrupt? Are we not endorsing the practice by our silence? Do we not want to have it easy? Are we not suggesting to our youth that greasing palms and skipping the queue once in a way is okay. “Who has the time?…………” is the usual refrain. We catch hold of agents who in turn bribe dealing assistants to get forms submitted or for files to be moved from table to table.

What then is the solution? Frankly I wouldn’t know. I end with a story about the HOD of our PG department. He was a principled man and stood in a queue to submit his tax return form. He saw people paying the clerk Rs. 2/- each while submitting the form and ventured to ask why the money was being collected when his turn came. The clerk looked up and said “please wait I’ll let you know.” He put his form aside and went on to collect other forms. Finally after making him stand in the scorching sun for nearly 2 hours and after the last person left the man gave him the acknowledgement slip and said-

“Log apni khushi se diye aur hum liye. Apko koi taklif hai kya?”

(People gave me money of their own accord and I accepted it from them. Does this bother you in any way?)

This happened some 30 years back. No one knew why they had to pay the clerk. They paid him just because others were paying him and thought that it was perhaps expected of them. Like all other aspects of life corruption too has become part of our lives. They day it affects our dignity self respect it will probably die a natural death.

Down the memory lane - 2

2010-11-08T10:01:00.000+05:30

I was upset when I heard that my good friend Prema’s older brother Raju passed away. No, he was not young nor did he leave behind dependents. He was schizophrenic and in the care of another brother who himself has retired from his services in the Railways. So, in a way it was good that he did not suffer from any prolonged illness and died a peaceful death. The news of his death took me back in time when Ramu, the main supporter and bread winner in their family died an untimely death just 6 weeks after his marriage leaving behind him his wife who had waited for 8 long years to marry him, his ailing mother and a schizophrenic brother. That was 26 years ago. His death was a shock not only to his family but to all of us who had bonded with them. The other brother had married a colleague and their marriage was not very well received by the family – at least not initially. Prema was Ramu’s right hand as long as she was unmarried but at the time of his death she was trying to adjust with the customs of the family she had married into and could not be of much help to them – neither financially nor emotionally. His wife was inconsolable and her anger was unjustifiably directed towards the family who she accused of having hidden the truth of his illness from her. That was however an entirely different matter and deserves a separate post.

My husband was present at the crematorium when Ramu’s body went up in flames. If anyone else had narrated the story I would have rubbished the entire episode. My husband is a serious minded person and would never have repeated what happened in the ghat unless it was authentic and this is what he said –

Those were days when Jamshedpur did not have an electric crematorium and wood was used for the purpose. It seemed Ramu’s body was taking very long to burn despite the huge amount of wood that was being used. People who had gathered there were surprised since his body was frail and wasted on account of his illness. Someone suggested that Ramu’s soul was not prepared to go since he was worried about his mother and schizophrenic brother and his brother G, working with the railways should make a promise that he would look after both of them. It was an emotional moment for all present when G spoke with tear filled eyes. He said –

“Ramu, please leave in peace. I promise to look after amma and Raju in the best possible manner as long as they live. This is a promise that I‘ve made in the presence of so many witnesses and will always strive to fulfill it.”

Having said this he broke down.

Twenty six years have gone by and I must add that G did keep his promise to his older brother. He took his mother and older brother with him to the place of his posting. Ramu’s widow laid claim to his LIC and provident fund contributions refusing to consider the plight of his mother and brother. One could hardly blame her. She had not bonded with the family and she saw this as a means to settle scores with them. She had a job and parting with at least a part of his settlement money may not have mattered. However, the choice was hers and she chose not to have any consideration for them. She also took away anything of value in their house saying that all of it belonged to her. Ramu’s mother died within a year of his death and it was the responsibility of G to look after his brother.

And did he keep his promise. Fortunately for him G and his wife took good care of the mentally challenged brother. They saw to it that he was given his regular dose of medication and treated him as normally as possible. They involved him in household chores and encouraged their daughter to bond with him. She is now doing her Ph.D in Kolkata. Uncle and niece would have long telephonic conversations. He would tell her that he planned to buy her a gold chain.

“And how would you get me the chain?’ she’d ask. “Do you have the money for it?’

In his naivety Raju would reply – “I have put aside money from the money your dad gives me as spending money and I’ll buy you a chain as soon as you get your degree.”

Unfortunately for him, he did not live to see the day.

Prema told me that it was not easy dealing with Raju. He would get aggressive at times and refuse to listen to anyone. G and his wife would be at wits end not knowing how to deal with him. But they never complained or asked any of his sisters to look after him for a change. I can only pray that the Almighty showers His blessings on their family because they have done their bit without a grudge.

My faith in the goodness of mankind takes a beating when I hear of scamsters and conniving politicians. It gets restored when I hear about the likes of G and his wife. They are just middle class people with a modest income but they are large hearted and that is what matters in the long run.

Happy Deepavali

2010-11-03T21:28:00.002+05:30

Let me wish each one of you a very happy Deepavali and a prosperous New Year.

Deepavali brings a lot of memories along with it - the main being the anticipation that we felt earlier and has gone missing now. When I was growing up it was an occasion to look forward to new clothes and a whole lot of sweets. My mother would wake us up at dawn and we would have an oil bath before daybreak. The sweets and savories prepared earlier would be distributed. Crackers would be burst and we’d enjoy the day with carefree abandon. We’d go for fireworks at the club in the evening and get treated to a sumptuous dinner following the fireworks.

Then came a time when we became parents ourselves and things changed a bit. Oh yes, the early morning bath, and distribution of sweets was all there. But we had been elevated to the role of planners. Deepavali coincided with the time my husband received his annual bonus. We’d revise the budget over and over again making sure that everything was covered. Starting from curtains and bed linen to a shawl for my father in law as well as shoes for school going children everything would be included apart from the new clothes for every member of the family. It was a pleasure hunting for the best deals and contrary to the claim I make in my posts about not caring too much for shopping, I’d actually enjoy the experience. Sweets and savories were always home made except for jelebis that I do not know to prepare. When the children were small I would put them to sleep and start preparing sweets after 10 pm with my husband to assist me and together we would put them away in air tight steel containers sprinkling a little germaxine in and around the area to keep away the ants. This continued for the first 25 years of my marriage.

Has it changed now? In a way it has. I still prepare sweet for distribution because this is one occasion that my friends look forward to mainly because it is home made. I keep announcing that this year was the last time I was taking the trouble and we would order sweets from the caterers from ‘the next year’ and like ‘tomorrow’ it never seems to come. But all else has changed. It is long since I stopped shopping for Diwali. I seem to have a saree or two that I hadn’t worn and bed linen and curtains don’t have to be replaced every year. Moreover there is no bonus to look forward to so we buy stuff whenever we feel like it.

‘Tata Steel has announced 20% bonus and Tin plate only 15%’…………

That was once upon a time it has no meaning now.

The only anticipation we have now is that of phone calls from our near and dear ones including our children.

“A Very Happy Deepavali” to one and all of you.

My Entry.

2010-10-18T15:00:00.005+05:30

Women's web has announced a contest asking contestants to write about their favorite female characters. Details about the contest can be obtained here. And here I go!

I've read Sivasankari's Nakel some 10 years back but it is a story that I love to repeat since it impressed me a lot. I must admit that I am not very sure about the names of the main characters. As far as I remember they are Renuka and Muthuswami. I may however be muddling up the names. Kindly bear with me. The essence of the story remains the same. so read on.

The character of Renuka in a Hindi translation of Sivasankari’s novel titled ‘Nakel’ is an all time favorite among the many female characters I like. Nakel’ means the halter – pin/ halter fixed to an animal’s nose to tame/control it. I think it should translate into ‘mookannakayiru’ in Tamil but unfortunately a web search did not throw up any result so I am not sure. However my desire to read the novel in the original remains and I do hope I am able to lay my hands on it soon. The actual surprise is at the end of the story and Sivasankari is simply brilliant to come up with such a superb ending to a story that seemed so very stereotype.

Renuka, the typical docile, tolerant Indian woman is aware of her husband’s umpteen affairs outside marriage but cannot do much about it. She has inherited a business empire from her father but is incapable of running it and happily lets her husband Muthuswami manage things. The story begins with Renuka’s teenaged son telling her that he had seen his father emerge from a hotel room accompanied by his secretary. He felt that the two of them shared a fair degree of intimacy. Renuka waits for her husband to leave on a business tour and swings into action. She first visits the secretary’s home and realizes that her family solely depended on her income for sustenance. She meets the girl’s father and offers to get her married to Muthuswami. Her inability to satisfy him in bed due to health reasons was bothering her and she wished to do something about it. She assures him that his daughter would continue to support him even after marriage. She also offers the same explanation to her husband’s elder brother who strongly opposes the idea initially but relents later. By the time her husband returns a date for the wedding is scheduled and preparations are underway. The husband is inwardly delighted but puts on an appearance of reluctance. The wedding takes place as planned. The two leave for their honeymoon.

On his return from his honeymoon Muthuswami rushes home with gifts for his first wife and children and looks forward to some private time with her. He had after all neglected her long enough. But no, he is in for a surprise.

Renuka asks him to leave her alone and move in with his second wife.

“From now on you will be staying with her in her house.” She declares. “The world knows that I got you married to a woman of your choice due to my indifferent health. So no one will be surprised if you do not stay here. You may visit us during the day if you so wish. This will not be your home any more.”

““The company will pay you your salary on the first of every month and you can look for a rented accommodation to suit your requirements like all other employees.”

Muthuswami remembers that the company was legally in her name and he himself a mere employee. Taking her loyalty for granted he had never bothered to change the arrangement.

“Why did you do this to me?” Wails Muthuswami.

Renuka explains. The secretary would accompany him on his business tours and keep an eye on him. It would not be easy to fool her the way he managed to fool Renuka. When the question of the marriage of their children came up, society would accept a second wife in his life but would object to a father with roving eyes. As for her she would stand tall as the sacrificing wife who understood her shortcomings and placed her husband’s happiness before hers.

She has the last laugh.

Obsessive behavior

2010-10-13T21:35:00.000+05:30

Long back when I was new to this industrial town I was amused to observe an obsession for cleanliness in some of my neighbors. Now who doesn’t like a well kept house with everything in perfect order? But it is one thing to strive to keep things in order and quite another to drive everyone crazy due to the obsession. S was one such person. Her house could be easily mistaken for a well maintained hospital ward such was her obsession for cleanliness. I once went to her place to make an emergency phone call. I did not have the courage to step in lest I dirty her drawing room. Every thing stating from bed-linen to sofa covers were sparkling white. She had finished cooking, the gas stove had been wiped clean and covered with a white towel and every corner of her house looked well maintained. The children had gone to school. Their slippers had been washed and lined up in the balcony to dry. I was all praise for her house-keeping skills. We had tea together in her balcony and I took leave and returned home. From my own balcony I could see hers and to my surprise I saw the within minutes of my departure she had washed the sofa cover that I had sat on and was quickly wiping the floor having swept it soon after I stepped out of her house. I was annoyed and amused at the same time. Stories related to her obsession for cleanliness were whispered by my neighbors. Her children were scared to use the toilet after they finished their morning routine and left for school. She would wash the bath – room cum toilet once in the morning and again before an evening bath. The children normally relieved themselves at school before coming home or found excuses to use a neighbor’s bathroom. She was however kind enough to let them use it on their return from play in the evening before she washed it. It was a common sight to see her husband open his shoes in the landing and walk into the house carrying it in his hand to be placed in the shoe rack. I often wondered if it made sense to have a sparkling house at the expense of torturing children in their pre-teens.

Another neighbor D would detain her servant till seven in the evening. Every item in the house had to be dusted and ever corner of her house would be wiped over and over again. Her children aged six and two would be seen playing in the verandah in all weather conditions. They would be denied entry out of fear that they would mess up the house. Oh yes, she loved them a lot but her obsession for cleanliness far outweighed her love for them. We would often see her escort the servant home. She’d be dressed in a petticoat and a loose shirt hardly befitting a woman of her status. Her excuse would be that she hadn’t yet cooked for the family and would change after finishing her cooking and had a bath perhaps at nine or ten in the night. Through out the day one could see her peculiarly dressed, hair uncombed and duster in hand. I often wondered if she cooked breakfast and lunch for her children (her husband had his meals in his office canteen) or treated them to readymade snacks and cold milk if at all.

My own mother in law had a fetish for cleanliness. But hers was within normal limits and the routine of the house certainly did not suffer. While my sister in law and I relaxed with a book in the afternoon she would tidy the kitchen and clean up stuff. She would never be satisfied with the way we arranged things. To her credit I must admit that her organization was better than ours – so what if she kept changing the order every now and then. And she certainly would not start sweeping and swabbing the house after every visitor left.

I wonder how common or uncommon this trait is in society. Wanting to have a well kept house with everything in perfect order and working towards it should be okay. Like in the case of S, she worked hard and maintained a high standard of cleanliness. But the fact that she was always well dressed and her family was well cared for is indicative of the fact that she did not let her obsession interfere with her role as wife and mother. She also had time for social visits, shopping etc. But not letting a child use the toilet in their own house was taking things too far.

D on the other hand was obsessed with her desire to have a sparkling house but her obsession was such that her children were neglected and her work was never over in time. I later heard that she was taken to a counselor for psychiatric assistance. When does an obsession become abnormal I wonder. Long back I read a short story titled ‘araikuraigal’ by the Tamil writer Jayakanthan. It was amusing as well as thought provoking. It points out that the line dividing sanity from insanity is very thin. I suppose it would be wise to set limits to one’s obsession/ambition and stick to them. Excess of any trait however appealing can only be harmful not only to the person but to others who are in association with him or her.

Joint Families - an introspection

2010-10-04T19:13:00.003+05:30

I have the habit of raving and ranting on social issues and this time it is about the possible reasons behind the lack of attraction to the joint family system. Who is to be blamed is my question? Following an introspection I realized that my generation is as much to be blamed for the situation as the current bunch of young parents. Read more about it here and give me your honest opinion.

We Compromising Indians

2010-09-23T21:38:00.001+05:30

Ever since Kalmadi bashing started I’ve stopped watching other programs on TV and preferred watching the news coverage of our preparation rather the lack of it for the Commonwealth Games known as CWG. I was not surprised that teams from different countries wanted to pull out for the ‘unlivable’ conditions in the games village. It is perhaps due to the difference in Indian and International standards as Mr. Bhanot rightly pointed out.

I really feel delighted. Delighted at Mr. Bhanot’s comment that the Indian definition of hygiene was not the same as that in the western world. Rather the developed countries seem to have an atrociously high standard for clean toilets. What seems okay for us seems to appear filthy to them. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am all in support of the gentleman. It is not as if we are talking of the living room or dining area. A bathroom is after all a place for cleaning one’s system and flushing out digestive wastes. And yet they want it to be sparkling, It is no wonder that more than 50% of Indians relieve themselves in public places. That way there will be no accountability and we Indians including Mr. Lalit Bahnot love the situation where one does not have to account for his/her action. I hope he plans to hand out aluminium or brass ‘lotas’ and train the delegates to relieve themselves on the banks of the Yamuna. They are bound to enjoy the experience and have a lot to share with their family when they return. Think of the atrociously high price the organizers could quote for the 'lotas' and the money it could fetch. Mr. Bhanot, I hope you are listening.

And look at the furor over paan stains in the corridors of the buildings marked out for the CWG. I don’t blame the westerners. They sip wine and smoke cigars. So they really do not understand how difficult it is for paan chewing Indians. But the way our media goes on and on about a few paan stains is disgusting. You can climb the stairs of any government office including the Secretariat in state capitals. People chew tobacco and beetle leaves and spit it out before entering the office of the high and mighty who they plan to meet. After all it does not look good to stand in front of an officer chewing tobacco or paan. He may ask you a question and in your effort to answer him you may end up spitting it on his spotlessly clean suit, polished floor or anywhere within a radius of 5 meters from him. Lalu Prasad Yadav had a party worker following him with silver spittoon wherever he went. Not everyone can boast of the facility. Isn’t it better to be safe than sorry? So as long as people chew tobacco and paan, corridors of government offices and national monuments have every chance of looking colorful with bright stains all over the place. We actually need to have people trained to interpret our unique paan chewing culture to our visitors. May be we could get a few of them addicted so that the next time around they will not be shocked or knocked out of their senses.

As for Mr. Manishankar Iyer, the man seems to practice black magic. The elements seem to be controlled by him. The Delhi CM is at wit’s end. The rains just will not stop. No wonder a bridge here and a roof there have started giving way. Come on Mr. Iyer, I agree that those in the government as well as those outside it called you anti - national when you opposed the conduction of the commonwealth games on the grounds that the money involved could be used for other development projects. But should you go to the extent of invoking the Rain God and getting him to lash out on sports lovers? The way things stand India may be the only participating country and the few loyals who still want to cheer them may not even reach the venues. The rains just have to stop before more structures collapse and disrupt the smooth(?) flow of traffic.

But I am not surprised. The head of an institution slaps a gatekeeper in the presence of 200 students for being unable to control a frenzied mob single handedly and the officer in charge of the nearest police station advices the man not to annoy his higher ups. Instead of worrying about his safety and insisting on better security arrangements, the labor union refuses to take up his case saying that he was guilty of having neglected his duty. A young girl with a promising future dies under mysterious circumstances and her colleagues insist on a post-mortem but her father refuses to pursue the case saying that it would affect the lives of his remaining children since her in laws had powerful connections. Another girl with an equally promising career is murdered for dowry and her husband manages to be acquitted due to lack of evidence. Within months he remarries without his credentials being ever questioned. Isn’t this laid back attitude at least partly responsible for the substandard levels in every important aspect of our lives? We would rather cough up a percentage as bribe than await our turn in the normal course. We want it to have it easy all the time – so what if we have become a laughing stock to the world in the run up to the commonwealth games and a few have become richer. Was perhaps their destiny that worked overtime? The debate will continue for a few weeks, some may be arrested and released for want of concrete proof and we will start planning for the next national waste of the taxpayer’s money.

I started this piece as a satire but I end it with agony and shame hoping that at least a few valuable lessons will be learnt from this unfortunate chapter in Indian History.

Unusual Relationships

2010-09-15T18:51:00.000+05:30

Of late I have been thinking of an unusual type of relationship among humans. One of asexuality. Well come to think of it asexuality may be more common than what we expect it to be. It was perhaps never openly discussed. We, in India, are so tight lipped when it comes to discussing sexuality, that several problems that arise due to lack of understanding/misunderstanding remain unspoken and unattended. It is as if openly discussing the problems associated with sexual preferences and behavior is sin. I wish to discuss it not as an expert - which I am not - but rather as one seeking answers. It is my request that it may be treated with the seriousness it deserves.

Long ago when my marriage was just a few months old I remember a neighbor with children aged 10 and 7 coming over to our place and discussing with my mother in law some matter of grave importance in a hushed tone. She was a new comer to our town and was not very well known to our family. I kept to myself since the woman in question seemed to prefer to exclude me from the discussion. However it was my mother in law’s reaction that drew my attention,

“Don’t be silly” she had said in a sharp tone. “If your husband was indifferent and uncaring how did you have children by him? Hush up now and never repeat what you have just told me. The world will laugh at you.”

And so it did. In the months that followed it was an open secret that her husband was not sexually inclined and she had to plead with him to have children.

“My children are God’s gift to me.” She would often say. People would laugh behind her back and even call her Kunti Devi referring to the character in Mahabharat who apparently conceived the Pandava princes by invoking the Gods and natural elements.

Years rolled on and after my mother in law’s death I distanced myself from the woman unable to listen to the same story repeated over and over again. I had almost concluded that she was crazy and felt that the point raised by my mother in law was a valid one. She finally moved out of Jamshedpur and I got on with my life.

Recently it was whispered that a young mother known to me was contemplating divorce. The reason quoted was the same as the lady mentioned above. It set me thinking. Was procreation a purely biological phenomenon? Weren’t there any emotions involved? I wondered if the man in question was partially impotent. The couple in question seemed happy enough. I wondered what might have gone wrong? I wondered if there was any way to save the marriage? I immediately explored the Internet and stumbled upon a possible answer. Like homosexual, heterosexual and ambi-sexuals there are people who are asexual. They are not impotent nor do they practice celibacy. They are simply not interested in physical intimacy and prefer a platonic level of emotional interaction. That they may be coaxed or coerced into a sexual relationship on rare occasions, explains how they manage to have children but their married life can be frustrating and dissatisfying if not to them at least to their partners. I remembered the lady who I had known earlier and wondered if it was due to frustration that she gave vent to her feelings and if we were wrong in deciding that she was crazy.

I am not a doctor or psychologist but I certainly would like to know if there is a way that enables one understand that their (a)sexual preference would adversely affect their married life and therefore clarify the situation to their future partners before tying the knot. Alternatively they may perhaps seek out others like themselves and enjoy a purely platonic relationship. I don’t see any point in coaxing such a person into marriage and complaining later. Parents assume that all is well with their children and children never feel comfortable talking to them on such sensitive issues and when it does crop up counseling is never a preferred option. I for one feel that we as a society ought to change and learn to be more open to discussing what we consider unusual or abnormal. For all one know the condition may be more prevalent but less known.

The teachers in my life.

2010-09-06T22:19:00.002+05:30

Yet another teacher’s day has passed by and I am left wondering whether the profession so very glorified in our epics to the extent of placing one’s Guru even before God has lost its revered place in our society. I’ve cribbed and complained enough about the plight of teachers as well as student/teacher relationships in earlier posts than to mention them here would be repetitive. I have therefore decided to look back and remember those teachers and mentors who have made me what I am.

The first teacher in my life was of course my mother. Apart from instilling values in my life she was the one who taught me to read and write Tamil thereby encouraging to read good Tamil literature. I remember the time in Mumbai when my father’s transfer did not coincide with my school session and we landed there in mid September. I had to wait till the following June to resume school. My mother took the opportunity to teach me Tamil. In no time I was reading books like ‘Ambulimama’ (Tamil version of Chandamama) and the interest remains with me till date. I am currently reading Kalki’s ‘Sivagamiyin Sapadam’ and enjoying it to the core. My mother was herself a voracious reader and even when she could read no more due to poor eyesight one of us would read out to her. Her concentration was such that she would correct us if we ever mispronounced a word or skipped words. Amma was great and she continues to be my mentor in absentia. Even now I think twice before being uttering a harsh word and in all probability restrain myself. ‘Amma would not have liked it’ I say to myself.

I remember Miss Rose my second grade teacher who would make us read aloud texts from English and correct our pronunciation and accent. She was never critical and her gentle reproaches ensured that we remembered her corrections for life. Then there was Miss Claire, my fifth grade teacher, about whom I have mentioned in this post. She taught me to respect people not for their good looks and fair skin but for whatever good qualities they possessed – not necessarily academic excellence.

How could I ever forget Ms. A. Cheriyan who taught me to love Mathematics and numbers. She was my Mathematics teacher for four long years in high school and I can still visualize the way she explained problems on ‘Time and Distance’ and ‘Work and Time’. She was a little disappointed that I dropped Mathematics after school. We corresponded for six years but we lost touch after my marriage. I met her daughter in Bangalore three years back but unfortunately she had passed on and I lost an opportunity to tell her that I had now become a grandmother to 4 grandchildren but my love and respect for her remains in tact.

Then we had Mrs. Jessie Rajan in my 11th grade who would give us 4/10 for a good essay in English composition. Every composition class would be a test and if one got half a mark more he/she would feel so elated that we’d pull up our collars and strut around like proud peacocks. I was in awe of the way she carried herself and as a senior school student I often wished to be like her if and when I ever became a teacher.

College days were fun but I don’t think I was drawn to my teachers in college as in school. By then we had almost reached adulthood and nothing seemed the same as school. We had very good teachers and they were experts in their subjects. But a certain amount of aloofness had set in and I don’t remember them being particularly caring or appreciative. I recall only one of them – Miss Kokila Florence. I had opted for Biology expecting to be able to apply for medicine only to realize that I had taken up the wrong subject. It was Miss Kokila that made me understand that a thinking mind and a good teacher could turn an otherwise drab subject to an interesting one. She took Botany for us and it was due to her that the subject was made easy and interesting. I later majored in Botany and went on to do my masters and Ph.D. thanks to her inspiration.

Then there were other teachers who inspired me in different ways. I had written about Teacher Huntley and how she impressed me in a recent post. My mentor and Ph.D. guide Dr. Prasad who encouraged me during the lull periods that depressed me while I worked on my thesis. Were it not for him I might have given up mid way.

The Founder Principal of our college Dr. K. Savitri, a professor in Psychology who bound all of us together as a big family and her husband Dr. N.K. Singh who believed in according due respect to their staff members deserve special mention. Our spouses were also considered as part of the college as were our children. They brought out the best in each of us and the college to me is an extension of my home. They believed that a tension free atmosphere and mutual trust were the basic requirements in any organization more so in an educational institution where young minds were being molded and prepared to take on the future of the country. They made our college one with a difference and it remains so till date.

Finally we have students who teach us a new lesson on each day of my working life. I am particularly in awe of students who make it big against all odds. The system in our parts of the country is not the very best and unfortunately not very conducive to education. Sessions are late and exams are conducted for months together but they make the most of the prevailing conditions and aim to do well in life. I can now understand their plight better and feel that a person like me has nothing to feel proud about because I was lucky to have studied in good schools and colleges all along. I still have to learn a lot from those around me who teach valuable lessons in their own way.

This is life!!

2010-08-29T22:20:00.003+05:30

Suranga’s post on Pension Sarees and Security blankets took me back to the time when I actually thought that I lived in a country where hard work was rewarded. Oh yes it may fetch you a rank and a certificate that you can frame/laminate and place it in your show case but if you expect to be rewarded with a job, let me tell you that you live in the BC era. These days you need to do very well and come out in flying colors but the minute you get your well - deserved degree/diploma start putting away some amount that will come in handy at the appropriate time.

I may sound cynical but that is exactly what is happening. After the well and not so well qualified bridegrooms, jobs are also up for sale. At the cost of antagonizing my feminist friends I feel like taking up for dowry demanding parents of eligible bachelors. They have really raised their sons - fed, clothed and educated them as they claim – so they perhaps have the right to put them up for sale if they so wish. But these conniving politicians and other powers that be have nothing to do with the exorbitant amount of hard work that goes into obtaining a decent result and the preparation for one’s job interview, expect to be paid a hefty sum sometimes the equivalent of a whole year’s expected salary. They spare none –neither the peon nor the class I employee. Humiliating as well as depressing for those who believe that they have done their best and that God would do the rest. The Gods seem to be napping when interview panels are set up!

To be fair, I got my present job purely on merit and that too 10 years after I graduated and I was rather out of touch with my subject. My HOD later told me that she was impressed with my results and was confident that I would soon pick up from where I had left. I have written about it in this post.

I then thought of improving my qualifications and joined my Masters in a local college. And I really worked very hard. I’d leave early and return in evening after attending my classes. It helped that the college timings were different and the principal of our college allowed me leave college and attend classes during my free periods. I’d go to a class -mate’s house for combined study enjoying Gujrati food prepared by her mother. Then my results came. I had topped the batch and broken a 21 year old record to obtain nearly 74%. I was on cloud nine. I then decided to appear for the Eligibility Test for lectureship and cleared it in the first attempt. Only four of us from Jamshedpur qualified the exam in my subject and I saw that all of us were either batch or college toppers. I truly believed that all was not lost. Merit still held a place in society. There were whispers about results being bungled but we had proved that it did not happen in our case. Then came the interview. By then I was already 45 years old and would have to join as a fresher. I was worried if I’d be posted in my home - town or would have to go to some remote area. People advised me to join first and try for a transfer later. I need not have worried. I was not selected and the others who qualified the exam with me were also rejected. Those who were selected either had political/bureaucratic godfathers or had coughed up a year’s salary to grease those with itchy palms. I got my Certificate laminated and put it away in my locker. I attended three subsequent interviews but the outcome was pretty much the same. The rates were increased or so they said.

Then came my Ph.D saga. I worked on my thesis for five long years. I had to submit it for evaluation on or before the completion of 5 years from the date of registration. I had to go to Ranchi to submit 5 copies of the thesis. Before submission I had to get it signed by the Dean, Science faculty as well as HOD – PG department of Botany. On the first day the Dean was not available and I brought it back. Protocol was to be maintained and our HOD could not sign it before the Dean. The next time the Dean signed it but the HOD had left for Patna to attend a Seminar. I was to go a third time just a day before the deadline. My guide cum advisor was beginning to get worried. I went to his place where a colleague of his had dropped by. He advised me to meet the dispatching assistant and to request him to wait while I got the HOD to sign the thesis and paid my evaluation fee.

“The university functions in the morning in summer and by 12:30 in the afternoon these fellows pack up to leave. If you ask him to wait, he will.”

The colleague then lowered his voice and said, “Pay him 50 or 100 rupees for chai/paani he will dispatch your thesis fast.”

“How do I do it Sir?” I was almost in tears. The three trips I made to Ranchi seemed easy. The immense labor that went into my research work was easiest. How on earth does one offer bribe?

The next day I went to Ranchi and went to the dispatch clerk after getting the required signature and asked him to wait while I paid the evaluation fee at the bank and brought him the receipt. He agreed and offered to watch over my thesis while I went about doing my job. I was truly grateful to him but the thought of giving him a hundred rupee note without the others noticing it was disturbing. Anyway I paid the money and came back to him. By now a few of his colleagues who had wound up their work for the day had landed by his desk. I gave him the receipt and 5 copies of the thesis. He smiled and put them away.

“Madam, it was a good thing that you told me. It is well past one in the afternoon and I usually leave by 12:30. I smiled back and thanked him. I still hadn’t given him money. I wondered what I could tell him. I am usually talkative but this was one occasion when words failed me. I hoped that he would ask me for it. He didn’t. I turned around and started walking to the door.

“Madam”………. Someone called.

‘Aha!’ I thought. They are going to ask for money.

“Kya?”(What) I said from where I was.

“Kuch nahi” (Nothing) was his response. I proudly walked out happy to have thwarted his attempt to ask for and accept bribe.

Then trouble started. My thesis was not dispatched for 4 months since he had a lot of ‘important’ work to do. My advisor on one of his visits to Ranchi, took personal interest and dispatched it at his own expense. It cost Rs. 600 in all. Then I went thrice to find out if the examiner’s report had come. One of the evaluators had sent the report the other hadn’t. When contacted he said that he had not received a copy of the thesis yet. My husband and my advisor went personally to Bhuvaneshwar and gave him my personal copy. We waited for 2 more months and approached the dispatch clerk to ask if the report had come but it hadn’t. A whole year had lapsed. I stopped going to Ranchi but would ask anyone going to the University to find out. The answer would be a big ‘No’. Finally it was my HOD who went to the university and was directed to a different person who came back to say that the report from Bhuvaneshwar had come but the other one hadn’t. It so happened that being in a hurry she forgot to ask me for the clerk’s name and when she asked someone about the person who receives reports she was directed to a different person. I would approach a certain GT and she went to another US. I immediately sprang into action. The following day I went to US and collected the report and gave it to GT and requested him to send the file to the Registrar for his approval of a date for the viva-voce. He must have felt that I had been harassed enough and did the needful and nearly 15 months after the submission of the thesis I was awarded my Ph.D. degree. If it hadn’t been for my HOD who went to the wrong person (maybe he was the right person and I was approaching the wrong person) I might have had to wait for a longer period of time. It was however clear that the dispatch clerk had deliberately suppressed the report just because he was not treated to chai-paani by me. I do not rule out the possibility of the duo working in collaboration.

The experience however made me a true Doctor in Philosophy!

Special and not so special children

2010-08-20T16:22:00.003+05:30

Mythology mentions that when Markandeya’s mother was given the option of having a short lived but intelligent son or a son low on intelligence but blessed with a long life she preferred to have an intelligent son even if he was destined to live for just sixteen years. Thus was born Markandeya, an exemplary son who grew up to be a devotee of Lord Shiva. However, since Markandeya worshipped Lord Shiva, the God of death viz. Yama failed in his efforts to take him away when his time came because he clung to the Shivalingam that he worshipped. Yama threw the noose of death around Markandeya’s neck but it accidentally landed on the Shivalingam thereby enraging the lord. He attacked Yama and almost killed him. Yama was revived on condition that Markandeya would live on forever.

I’ve heard this story from my mother several times and as a child I often wondered if it would have been better for her to have opted for a less gifted son and saved herself and her son the trauma that followed. I also felt that as a mother she should have wanted her son to live long gifted or otherwise. I wish I had remained a child in her pre teens not exposed to the harsh realities of life.

Years went by and I have had the opportunity to witness and admired parents with mentally/physically handicapped children and have marveled at the patience with which they dealt with them. There have been others whose children may not have been bright sparks but were otherwise gifted and it required a lot of patience and understanding to deal with them in accordance to their needs. Is it therefore easier to bring up a bright and gifted child as compared to the average and below average ones? I am afraid not. Parenting/teaching a bright child poses challenges in ways unforeseen and one actually starts wishing that such children were easier to handle. My children were not out of the ordinary nor could they be called geniuses. However, I remember being upset when my older daughter and son were vocal and I would be equally upset when my second daughter would give me a strange look and walk away without saying a word. I could never decide which type of behavior was more preferable and today I do feel glad that my role as a parent is over and my children lead their own lives without my having to worry too much about them. Whether I may take credit for their success I would not know but I do like to believe that I played a role in making them what they are today.

Parenting has never been easy. Long back when my daughter was in Standard I the school did not rank their performance and gave them grades. I was curious to know where she stood in class. My curiosity took over and I asked her teacher, a fifty plus woman with years of experience to her credit, how my daughter fared in class and where she stood as compared to the others in her class.

“She is a promising child. That is all I can say for now.” Was the teacher’s response.

“Could you tell me how L has done in the terminal exam?” I persisted.

Now L was a very good student and had won several prizes the previous year. Somehow I wanted to know how my daughter had fared as compared to her.

That put the teacher off. During her long span as a teacher she must have dealt with many others like me.

“Mrs. R” she said “ why should I give you any information about another student? For you to compare notes and demoralize your daughter at every step? Is it not sufficient that your child is good and promising enough? You worry about your daughter but I am concerned about all forty of them. I want the weaker ones to improve. I’d rather identify their shortcomings and work on them. And do you know that it is the average student that does well in life? He/she can handle set backs better and is always willing to learn and take corrections. And for God’s sake, the child is just six years old. Why not let her learn at her own pace and enjoy her time in primary school? She has all the time in the world to take on a world full of competition.”

Teacher Huntley’s words have remained with me ever since. Shortly after our meeting I took up my present job. I try my best to accommodate the interest of students from the weaker sections of society – those who did not get the opportunity that my children got – and feel happy even if a few among them make it big.

Parenting is therefore a learning process. Each day teaches us a new lesson. More than other things parenting teaches us to tolerate and forgive. I have a friend who was a cleanliness freak and would criticize the parents of unruly children on their upbringing. Her children when they came were little charms and up to all sorts of pranks. These days she understands that children would be children and a messy house no longer upsets her. In fact she advises other parents to take it easy saying that children would soon grow up, leave home and one would have nothing but memories of their childhood to remember.

Finally parenting is a responsibility. I have a friend with a mentally retarded son who is now around 28 years of age. I’ve watched her taking care of him since the past twenty years. Her life simply centers round him. He has to be fed and is literally on her toes all day long. Yes, the boy keeps walking around the house every waking minute and she keeps walking behind him either with a bowl of food in hand or a towel to wipe his mouth. Otherwise she has to see to it that there is nothing obstructing his way. He will either trample the object or tumble and fall. She occasionally calls me up for a long chat. Ours is the only place she brings her son and that too very rarely. She does not complain but I understand how difficult it must be for her to look after the son who is now about 8 inches taller than her. I once remarked that she was god’s own choice for the boy. Anyone else in her place would have given up.

“I wish I had been less patient didi,” she said. “Had I been so I might have understood that all was not well with the boy and we could have taken him for treatment much earlier. He might never have been normal but at least as doctors say he could have been trained to do something making him self - reliant. I was young and naïve and failed to look for the milestones that mark a child’s growth and development. He was a fussy child always wanting to be carried. Physically he was a chubby child but would never make eye contact or show signs of recognition even when he was a year old. My mother in law would not hear of anything negative being said about him so when he did not try to talk and made strange sounds instead, she insisted that several children learnt to speak at the age of three and there was nothing unusual about it. When we finally sensed that something was wrong and took him to Vellore at the age of three, irrevocable damage to his brain had been done and the doctors could do nothing more.”

A final word. Nature and nurture are both responsible in shaping a person. The environment provided by society also matters. If the children become self reliant and responsible adults one need not worry. But, if god forbid, something goes wrong denial will not help. One should act fast and do whatever possible to help the child. I was surprised that under pressure many of our college going youngsters take anti depressant pills and regularly go for psychiatric counseling. Is this perhaps an indication that they are not comfortable turning to their parents or older siblings for help? Are they finding the competition in this world of ours too much to handle? I agree that a teenager tends to drift away from his/her parents and resists authority in whatever form. Is it not our duty to reach out to these youngsters in whatever little way and help them redeem themselves? Can we at least stop looking down upon parents with physically or mentally challenged children and/or those dealing with a troublesome teenager? They have enough to cope with without our probing eyes and wagging tongues adding to their misery.

Caree women and assertion-are they mutually inclusive?

2010-08-07T20:54:00.001+05:30

“We hear of men abusing their wives all the time. Putting her down as being ignorant and stupid is quite common even among the educated men even if they know the truth to be quite the opposite. They feel threatened and inadequate by such a wife particularly in the in the presence of their friends and would prefer to have decked up dumb dolls rather than have a wife who can observe and understand whatever goes on in the world around her”.

This was an observation made by a friend and I was not sure as to whether I should agree with her or not. My own life was quite different and the encouragement I got from my husband to improve my qualifications could not be denied or ignored. But there were others in my circle who required their husband’s help to fill up income tax return forms or to apply for schemes that offered tax benefits. I often wondered why they chose not to try and do these things themselves. We have friends from another local college who would not be able to tell us whether they had received the increased DA allowance as promised by the government or not. They plead ignorance when asked if a particular circular from the university had reached their college saying that it was their husband that took care of their salary accounts and that their pass books had not been updated for months so they would not know if the increased DA had been paid to them or not. We sometimes checked with them to make sure whether such notifications had been issued but had not reached our college for whatever reason and I really feel annoyed and unable to take such answers to my queries. I sometimes wonder if it actually suits these women to remain ignorant. It has been three years since I started collecting tax return forms from friends to submit them in the IT office some 2 kilometers from our college. I heard that they earlier gave it to a peon who charged them Rs.100/- per form saying that the queue was long and that he had to take leave from work submit them. It took me less than thirty minutes, even on the last day, although forms had to be submitted in alphabetical order in three different counters. There was no separate queue for women but the employees were quick and did their job pretty efficiently. I did not mind doing it since the IT office is on my way home but I did feel pained that not one of my friends offered to give me company. If educated women want to act helpless do we have the right to blame our men folk for not according our job and career the importance that it deserved? It does not matter if you are a home- maker or a career woman it is important to carry yourself with dignity and make sure that your job cannot be brushed off as unimportant. Unless a woman learns to respect her work - even if it is just an honorary service – no one else will.

Having said this I want to mention the case of a relative of mine. Let me call her Veena. She was bubbly teen - aged girl when I first met her some 25 years back. She was a college student and had come over to my sister in law’s place during her vacations. I admired her for the manner in which she made herself useful. She entertained my sister in law’s kids then aged 6 and 2, helped her out with house work and was very pleasant to me although it was the first time she met me. Neither talkative nor withdrawn, she was the kind of person anyone would like to have for company.

As luck would have it Veena had a failed marriage that ended in a divorce. Her husband was having an affair with a colleague and all that her parents could do was to ask her to be patient and wait for God to bring about a change in the heart of her cheating husband. They asked to fast on certain days and pray to different gods at different times of the year in the hope that he would return to her. Even when she had no option but to divorce him after the other woman moved in to their house, her family did not offer her food and board. Parents were not willing to support her out of fear that their son and daughter in law may not like it. Veena took up a job in Bangalore and stayed in a working women’s hostel making herself available to her family when they needed help. However, her own brothers and sister would consider her presence inauspicious during family functions and her mother would not protest. She got married to a kind hearted man, two years younger to her, but his family refused to accept or bless the alliance. Finally when she felt that she had been at the receiving end for long enough she withdrew herself from her family. She stopped attending family functions. The couple moved to a smaller town in Karnataka where he does some consultancy work for an American firm and she spends her time teaching yoga and meditation to school children. Her husband visits his parents once a month, takes them to the doctor stocks up their kitchen and gives them money for their upkeep. He refuses to take her along since they never ask for her. They have decided against having children. He respects her for the person she happens to be and she finds solace in the love and affection he bestows on her. They do not complain or crib and would rather forget their painful past. She still feels responsible for her parents and says that the only time when she would want to go to them would be when their health failed and they needed someone to look after them.

I do agree that I am quoting two extreme examples. The former group of working women got support where they did not need but the girl Veena mentioned later was shunned by her own family using social pressure as an excuse. I do not for a moment believe that her parents did not love her but being orthodox they perhaps believe that it was against the prevailing custom to support the daughter and antagonize their son. They could not bring themselves to stand up for their daughter when she needed them the most. But I feel glad that she could at least gain the love and respect of the man she married. Were it not for him her story may have been different.

Now I come back to the point I started with. Is being assertive a positive or negative quality? According to the friend I quoted in the beginning men feel threatened by such a woman. So many of our educated young women would prefer to play a sub ordinate role in the family even if only to pamper the misplaced ego of their spouses. But Veena’s story gives an entirely different picture. She is neither dominating nor submissive. She is just the cool and balanced person that she always was. But, to my mind, she commands more respect than many others with notable careers and a six digit income per annum.

The Teaching/learning process

2010-08-01T10:46:00.001+05:30

An old student (let me call her K) paid us a call last week saying that she planned to join a post graduate course and needed to apply for a college leaving certificate. It was actually 10 years since she passed out and she was currently employed as a teacher in a local school. Since we had some free time and, being a Saturday, it was her day off we started discussing the scenario in schools and dealing with adolescents in senior school. Ours is an all girl’s college but the school she worked in was co-ed. We dealt with girls from the lower rung of society or those from families that had just realized the importance of educating the girl child. Many of these girls came to college because this was the only time they got to leave home on their own. K on the other hand was dealing with boys and girls from a privileged background with adequate exposure to career options and were supported by parents who would willingly see to it that they got the best opportunity available for landing in prestigious colleges in India or abroad. Despite the socio-economic disparity in the two groups it was evident that both of us were dealing with an energetic group and the teaching/learning process that we followed was getting outdated.
“No student would be interested in a monologue delivered by the teacher unless it has some application to real life situations” said K. “If you wish to tell them about the working of the brain you have to begin with an accident on the road that knocked a passerby senseless. They get involved and before long you find them eager to know about nerve cells and neurons and the messages transmitted by the brain. Alternatively, you can draw a beautiful diagram on the board and start explaining the theory straight away. You will soon have the whole lot of them yawning or throwing darts at each other.”
We dealt with girls from a less privileged background so we expected them to be more open to the age old tried and tested method of teaching and learning. The syllabus was outdated as well as the tools for communication. The chalk, blackboard and charts were still being used. The computer/internet, as an essential tool for accessing information, had only been made available to us since a year but in most departments students were not allowed to use it fearing that they may mishandle it and getting it repaired would be difficult since the college management was not sure as to where the money for its maintenance and repair would come from. Moreover most of our students did not have a computer at home so it really did not matter whether they were allowed to access it in college or not. But were we able to ensure the interest of our students in the subject by our age old methods? Unfortunately not. The number of students opting to study basic sciences has dropped and those who do take up these courses are either a highly de-motivated lot or are here because obtaining a degree is a pre requisite for admission to MBA/MCA courses. They also need to be graduates to be able to apply for entrance exams for bank jobs and administrative posts. No course is sought after unless it has some application in their lives by way of a high paying job. Education also improves the marriage prospects of a girl and a girl who has never read or appreciated Shakespeare’s work may insist on doing an Honors course in English. It would encourage the boy’s family to think that she would be able to guide her children and coach them at home better if she had a degree in English as compared to other subjects. Practical applications are important and marriage is market in itself.

What then is the solution? Who would understand it better than me that the applied aspects of a subject come later but basics are equally important? Should a system that allows a student to be promoted to the next level without having understood the previous level of a subject be called student friendly? Failing a student or making him/her repeat a year may not be the solution. But shouldn’t the planners of a syllabus think of what ought to be done to ensure that a student who passes the 10th grade knows the basics of a subject that he/she opts for in college? Why not make teachers accountable? No one questions a child’s right to education but is our education translating into knowledge of the right kind?

I would like to know from those dealing with young minds either as parents or teachers to let me know their perception of the education that is being imparted to their children. My opinion in the matter may be outdated. However, I am willing to learn and would be glad to take a lesson or two from anyone willing to teach me.

Gup Shup Again

2010-07-27T19:00:00.005+05:30

I've been away from the blogworld for a long time now and it took me quite an effort to start writing again. It was similar to the feeling one gets when college reopens after a vacation. One just feels like lazing around doing nothing but then realizes that one needs to do something worthwhile and meaningful. Oh yes I like to think that I write meaningful pieces and they are certainly worth a read.

Was my break good? Time with my grandchildren was good but healthwise it was unfortunately a big 'NO' :-(((

Can you imagine what it is to be in constant pain? Well,well my arthritic knee made me realize what intense pain was. There was nothing anyone could do about it. I went limping all over the place and climbing up and down the stairs one at a time. Yes, i live in the 3rd plus half level of an apartment complex without a lift and had to climb up and down 52 steps even if it was only to go to the doctor or for an X ray of the knee. I would have done anything to be relieved of the pain including a visit to the local 'dayan'(witch) and tried out witchcraft. I tried an assortment of pain killer oils and ointment with no positive effect. The bone specialist advised knee replacement but the thought of post operative care as well as the expense involved was not encouraging. I tried homeopathy which had worked well in the case of my spondylitis but it did not help this time. Finally a visit to an Ayurvedic Center and the treatment offered by them helped and I am at least 50 to 60% better with their medicines, light exercises as suggested by the doctor and oil massage. I have to report to them this Friday and I now plan to go for oil massage by a professional in the center. Climbing up and down the stairs is not that much of a strain now so I think I can manage to go there twice or thrice a week.

The house feels empty without my little Annu and Megha. I have the computer to myself but I do not feel like using it. Megha would always want to wrest it from me and I do miss her saying 'what amma, you've been using the computer for sooo......... long'. Or Annu asking for candy and raisins not just in one hand but both. Give her a little in each hand, she'd transfer all of into one hand and stretch out the other hand for more! I can almost hear her saying 'Thatha put medicine, amma paining, amma very paining'.

I feel bad that I had to fall sick when the kids were around. But my health problem made me realize one thing. I have people around me who really care. Be it my colleagues in college or cousins in distant places or my own family including my sister,brothers, their wives as well as my children. All of them were concerned and offered help and advise - each one in their own way. I am told that like diabetes arthritis can be managed but will now remain with me for life. Not a comforting thought but then what cannot be cured may as well be endured!

I returned to college after the summer vacation and was told that the services of 29 people including me was being questioned. Some retired pensioners were also affected. It seems that our posts were adjusted against the posts of another college in the University that had posts in excess. Now the concerned college was clamoring for the posts to be returned to them saying that the employees of the college were losing out on their line of promotion and it was against the government rule that posts be transferred to other colleges. Another version was that after adjusting our services the university should have accounted for the adjustment to the government. Now the university is part of a new state and the government of Bihar that had created the post was no longer approachable. We have separated from Ranchi university and are now part of Kolhan University. Would the parent state government or the parent university offer some explanation? Everything was so very confusing.

'people get transferred, not posts'.........

I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Luckily my pain was so severe that it did not matter whether after 30 years of service I would be told that my entire career was based on a wrong foundation or if I would be denied pension and retirement benefits. Learning to look at the bright side of things! Our Principal is now making trips to Ranchi to adjust our posts against the posts of retired employees as well as those who left our college services midway for whatever reason. In the meanwhile it is whispered that there is no problem as such and all this fuss is being created by a few with itchy palms. 'God save this country' is all I can say. No I am not too worried. I am something will be done and with nearly 300 employees affected a solution ought to be arrived at and the problem done away with forever.

I may not be very regular but I shall post something once in a while till my arthritis is taken care of. Will catch up with your posts soon.

Tagged!

2010-07-07T18:56:00.006+05:30

Suranga tagged me to write about 10 things that I do that are not considered feminine. Well Suranga 10 is a little too much but I'll try anyway.

1. I am not keen on make up/shake up etc. Even on my wedding day I did not use lipstick. Except when in my pre-teens I don't remember ever wanting to own lipstick. I think it has something to do with a teacher who'd pick on me all the time. I don't remember her name but I do remember her red lipstick and frowny face.

2. I do not attach too much importance to feeding the family and children in particular. Yes, they need to be given meals on time and I make sure that the food is nutritous and filling. But ask me to cook a separate dish for each of my children or worry about satisfying a fussy child throwing tantrums for food........ well they can howl as much as they want but they get to eat what the rest of us eat. I was brought up that way and I never imagined that there could be another way. However I do see other mothers do exactly the opposite and I feel a little inadequate as a mother.

3. I have said this before and I'd say it again. I am not the person to want to go on a shopping spree. Most of my sarees have been selected by other people. Like say a person may go to Calcutta and pick up a few sarees from there and ask me to choose from among them. Even in that case the number should not exceed 2 or 3. Someone just has to say that this one or the other one would look good on me and I'd simply go for it. Regarding my monthly provisions, my husband takes care of it. I drive him to the market and wait in the car most of the time. It is the other way round in most families.

4. When my daughters visit I book tickets and plan for vacations and my husband worries about pickles and pappadams.

5. I wish I could say that I could change tyres and fix punctures. I cannot but the day I decide to learn I definitely will. I can take care of fuses and minor faults with my gadgets.

6. It seems that as a child I would rather read a book than play with dolls according to my paternal aunt.

7. I admire ladies who can spend a whole afternoon attending kitty parties and stuff. I have been invited to join chit fund groups that meet up on a monthly basis.but I've declined the invitation saying that I'd rather open an RD in a bank. I cannot discuss anything unless it has a social or psychological relevance.

8. Like Usha I seem to grow hair on my chin and pluck it out regularly. Finally my true colors are showing and the world gets to know the not so feminine side of my nature!

So I have not fared too badly and I see that the feminine energy within me needs to be boosted. May be I'll try. I may succeed or may be not. We are all what God made us to be.

Anyone interested may take up this tag but I'd invite Renu to do it if she has not done it already.

Temper Tantrums

2010-06-13T12:02:00.007+05:30

I thought I would not be able to blog for a while with my daughter and g'daughters visiting us. True, I have been busy - no, not overworked since my daughter takes care of her children's need pretty well - but just enjoying their company. Little Annu wants to be carried all the time "amma, godi"........ is her request from time to time. Need I say that I am ever ready to oblige. Her mom complains that I am spoiling her but aren't grandmoms expected to do just that?

However, I just heard of a case in which a mother had been misunderstood all her life and passed away just around the time her daughter began to understand her problem giving her no chance to make amends. I felt sorry for both of them since it was not fair that one's judgemental error becomes a life long burden. I could not help sharing this story with you so that if ever we come across such cases we remember that there could be more to it than that which meets the eye.

Shuba was a close friend of mine when I was in college. We in the hostel tend to get close to a few chosen friends and often share secrets with them - secrets that we don't feel comfortable talking to our own siblings or members of the extended family. Shuba's problem was her mother. As perceived by Shuba she was foul mouthed and uncaring and gave her father a tough time. Shuba and her younger brother were sympathetic towards the father who often worked late hours in office just to avoid a confrontation with his wife. Even when he did come home early the children would meet him at the street corner and the three of them would take a stroll to a neighboring park just to be able to talk to him without the mother constantly yelling and complaining making any communication between them impossible. When alone with her father Shuba would crack jokes, mimic her teachers while her brother would discuss cricket and politics. Her dad would tell them how his day went and about his aspirations for his children.

"I wish my dad had been blessed with an understanding wife. My mother comes from a rich and influential family and nothing my dad does measures up to her standards. She is quarrelsome and often takes out her frustration on her parents as well as me." Shuba would say.

"Why you?" I'd ask.

"I resemble my dad and she hates me for it."

At the tender age of 16 I did not really understand much and pretty much agreed to Shuba's view that her mother was acting difficult on purpose. My opinion did change a bit when I met her mother in person. She seemed a warm person and made me feel comfortable. I took her side in private when Shuba tried convincing me that her mother was just putting on an act.

"She does it whenever we have visitors. She'll be so kind to me that none would believe my version. That is why I never talk about her to family members. No one would believe me when I tell them about her temper tantrums."

Like all good things life our association came to an end after we graduated. We exchanged letters for a few years and finally even the letters stopped. I often thought of her and wondered how she might be faring. My own mother was a pillar of strength in the initial years of my marriage when I faced severe financial problems and had to deal with a sick mother in law all by myself.

"This will not last for ever. Better days are waiting for you. Just be patient." she'd say.

And I'd feel better. It really helps when one gets the right kind of advise. I wondered if Shuba's mother could ever be a mature and balanced guardian to her the way my mother was.

Years rolled on. I met Shuba purely by chance at a wedding. She was a microbiologist working in a multinational company. She was her usual jovial self but I sensed that all was not well with her. I could not bring myself to ask about her mother. So I enquired about her husband and children instead.

"I have an only daughter and would you believe it when I say that she is just another version of my mother. She seemed so unhappy and dissatisfied no matter what I did for her. I got her married to a person of her choice hoping that she'd be happy with him. But no, she kept quarreling with him and hated his parents from day one. The couple moved into a separate apartment and now she accused him of hatching plans against her with his parents behind her back. She attempted suicide following a quarrel with him and I had to intervene. I took her for psychiatric counselling and her condition has been diagnosed as bipolar disorder and she has inherited it from my mother through me. With medication and counselling she is much better now. Her in laws are quite understanding as is her husband. He has decided against having a biological child and plans to adopt one in a year or two when her psychiatrist considers her condition fit enough to raise a child."

"All is well that ends well. Thank God that she had understanding people around her. Why do you seem upset? Things are improving and you should be happy." I said.

"Only when I accompanied my daughter to her counselling sessions did I understand what it was that my mother suffered from in all these years. We did not have the means or understanding to treat her condition and always believed that she did it on purpose. Unfortunately, I got so involved in my daughter's life that it took me a while to realize that with a little medication and a lot of understanding my mother too could have led a near normal life. I truly wanted to make amends and bring her over to my house on my return from my daughter's place. But God perhaps wanted to punish me for never having tried to understand her problem. Within a week after my return from my daughter's my mother passed away in her sleep with only my father by her side. She who never found peace in her life time, left us without giving us a chance to tell her that we now understand. Try as much as I might, her memories keep haunting me. If only I had a second chance........." her voice choked and she burst out crying. I let her cry to her heart's content hoping that her guilt would be eased out at least to some extent.

The entire story kind of depressed me. Very often we fail to understand that temper tantrums and the like need to be addressed with care and concern. It is easier to accuse the person of deliberately causing trouble and brushing aside his/her behaviour as a ploy to get attention. Moreover no one likes to admit that a family member needs psychiatric help. Like the heart, liver or kidney, the brain can also develop symptoms that can be rectified with proper treatment. No one need to feel embarassed about going to a psychiatrist. At least not in the 21st century.

Taking a break

2010-05-30T13:38:00.004+05:30

Hi all,
I am busy for the next two months enjoying every available minute with my g'daughters megha and annika.will be back with loads of information about them.Goodbye till then.

Office Romance??

2010-05-15T21:38:00.002+05:30

An incidence that took place long back keeps coming back every now and then. I belong to an older generation and my career has not been particularly difficult so I had it easy. Not so the current bunch of ambitious young women. They have goals in mind and work hard to reach them. In the course of their interaction with their male colleagues they often find themselves in unpleasant situations. How much of the blame should be accorded to them is my question.

Take for instance the case of PP. She landed a job in far off Ahmedabad in a small company. Her job was interesting as well as challenging. The average age of her company’s employees was around 25. Her boss was just 2 years older than her. It was the culture in their office to call the boss by his first name. Western influence perhaps?? Everyone including her boss treated PP as a friend rather than a subordinate. So when her parents visited her for the first time she was at the station to receive them. It was a Sunday and the train being late, she asked her boss to give her company while she waited for them to arrive. In the days that followed there was considerable interaction between PP’s parents and her office colleagues. They all seemed a decent lot and nothing seemed out of place even to their experienced eyes. So when they started looking out for a suitable match for their daughter they were surprised when two of her colleagues started harassing her - one being her boss himself. The girl herself was at wit’s end and found it easier to tell the boss that her parents were just looking for a suitable match but had not found one yet, rather than tell him outright that she was not interested in him and preferred to marry a person chosen by her parents. This in fact acted as a deterrent to the other colleague who withdrew himself on hearing about the interest shown by his boss in her. Trouble started when she finally got engaged to a person of her parent’s choice. The boss threatened to make life hell for her if she dared to marry someone else. She had no option but to ask her parents to intervene. Finally after ascertaining that she really had no interest in him, they spoke to him as well as his parents and sorted things out. Her fiancé was informed but he took it in his stride and did not worry too much. Today she is married and happily settled in Dubai having put the incidence behind her. But the whole episode left me wondering who was to be blamed in all this. According to her parents there was nothing in her behavior that suggested that she was even remotely interested in him. How then did he get the impression that she was?

The answer perhaps lay in the explanation given by a senior colleague of mine. According to him, girls may not think much of getting odd chores done by a male colleague. An innocent request of getting a few pages photocopied can put ideas into a guy’s head. He says that he very often sees a girl chatting with 3 or 4 male colleagues or class - mates. One never knows which of them would be hoarding romantic ideas about her even without her knowledge. It is therefore in her own interest that a girl needs to draw a line and make her position very clear. But then the girl’s fiancé did not worry too much which is again indicative that such incidences do happen and no one worries too much about it. With more and more children taking up jobs in distant places I suppose this too is part of their career experience.

Mother's Day - A retrospective introspection

2010-05-09T12:36:00.009+05:30

Indus Ladies have published posts of mommy bloggers in their e book and I am glad to be included in the list. The book can be read by over one lakh readers from alll over the world. Their e book can be accessed by clicking on the link below =

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/announcements/94830-happy-mothers-day-get-our.html

Their banner is also displayed here.

Mother’s day is nearing and all of us are gearing up to celebrate the day. I don’t remember this being such an important day when my children were growing up. I vaguely remember being invited to their Bal-Vihar class along with other mothers and children were made to wash their mother’s feet as a mark of respect. Their teacher gave a short speech on the importance of a mother in one’s life. The children sang a few bhajans, sweets were distributed and we returned home to our daily routine. I don’t remember giving a second thought to the function. I was more worried about my husband’s return from office and the time in hand to get some snacks ready for him when he arrived. My father in law was waiting for me to get back home to be able to leave for his evening stroll to meet up with others of his age. What I mean to say is that those were times when motherhood was taken for granted.

Rewinding further to the time when I was growing up, I remember my mother giving due importance to us, the daughters of the house, on festive occasions such as Navarathri and Shankaranthi. But it never occurred to us as to why we never had a day allotted for a mother’s welfare. Oh yes, we were advised to fast on certain for one’s husband’s long life and on certain others for the son’s welfare but mothers were never given a thought. She was there in the kitchen or other areas of the house slogging away churning out mouth watering delicacies and supplying regular meals. Clothes would be folded and stacked, potable water filled in properly cleaned utensils, servants would be dealt with ………well one can go on and on. I don’t remember ever hugging my mother and saying “Happy mother’s day amma!” We were never a demonstrative lot.

I wonder when all this changed? Was it when TV sets became part of our homes? Is it because more and more children have left home in search of jobs in far off places and foreign countries? I wonder how my mother felt about it? Did she even expect to be given some kind of recognition for all that she had done for us children? For that matter do I want it for myself? To be honest I don’t and perhaps my mother too had never entertained such thoughts. But I do admit that I feel happy when my children call me up and wish me on Mother’s Day.

I truly wish I could relive my childhood and give my mother a little hug to say how much I loved her. I’ve never said it in words but I am sure she understood.

I wish my mother had been more communicative and shared her joy and sorrows with us. She somehow preferred to keep it to herself and we could never bring ourselves to ask her anything that she did not say but we understood all the same. Why then should we be told anything when we understood everything? I feel that it may have eased her troubled mind if not anything else.

Should I call it lack of communication? How could it be so when we understood each other so well even without communicating in words? Try as much as I might, I cannot recall an occasion when my mother made us the target of her own frustration and anxiety. In fact she never very much liked it when I used an aggressive or authoritative tone to pull up my children.

“You are teaching them to answer back. You will not like it when they do.” She’d say.

I know that I am not the person that my mother was nor are my children the kind that we were. However the rapport I have with my children is no less or more than that I had with my mother.

Generations of mothers have passed on. What remains unchanged is the care and concern they have for their children. Even under extreme provocation it is difficult for a mother to think ill of her children. She would find all kinds of excuses for them and blame everyone around them for the circumstances. Even when she is unable to defend them her heart is always willing to give them ‘just one more chance’.

Is there anyway one can define a good mother?

If she is soft on her unruly children then she is spoiling them.

If she is harsh then she is a tyrant stifling the natural growth of the child.

If she defends them from others who target them then she is over protective.

If she doesn’t then she does not care enough. After all who can support the children if not her.

So while it is generally agreed that all mothers are good, none are good enough. Paradoxical isn’t it?

I end with an instance that took place long ago.

My son was then around 9 years of age. My friend’s father in law had passed away and their house was full of relatives who had come to attend the ceremony connected to his death. I was at their place helping out with the arrangements for the function that was to take place the following day. With the mother busy and a whole lot of children to play with, my son was having unlimited fun time. The kids were up to mischief and one of them poured water on the firewood that was being used to cook meals for the family. The cook got upset and marched them down to the lady of the house complaining that it was impossible for him to work if the parents did not monitor their children. I ordered my son home saying that I’d deal with him later. I kind of accepted that even if he hadn’t actually poured water he was equally responsible for the situation. However, the other mothers did not think so. They went on and on about how well behaved their children were and this being a new place they would never ever dare to do such a thing. Finally I was the only person being indirectly blamed for raising an unruly kid who was responsible for spoiling their angelic incarnations.

Unable to take it any longer I left soon afterwards. My friend called out to join them for the night meal but I declined the invitation saying that I had a lot of pending work to complete at home.

The incidence has stayed with me ever since. Was it wrong of me to accept that my son might have had a hand in the mischief? Should I have defended him a bit more? I agree that my friend could not have supported my son or me since the ladies were from her husband’s side of the family. But could she not have generalized the incident having known Rahul since his birth? I have no answers till date. The incident, however, made me feel inadequate as a mother although I’ve not been able to change myself and jump to my children’s defence at the slightest provocation. I feel they have to take it in their stride and learn that it takes all sorts of people to make the world.

A very Happy Mother's Day to all of you!

On Motherhood..........

2010-05-01T21:25:00.005+05:30

The image on the left is a banner inviting mommy bloggers to get listed in the e book that is being released on Mother's day by Indus ladies. This would be a great way of connecting mommy bloggers and exchanging notes. The link to this site is here.

Becoming a mother may be easy but being one is not. I may sound harsh because motherhood is considered an exalting experience.While one can be considered a bad daughter/teacher/sister/wife etc. it is difficult to be a bad mother. However, with all good intentions, motherhood also means a lot of responsibility and accountability.

A mother is a child’s first teacher and the example set by her is keenly observed and emulated. It is natural for a mother to vent her frustration on her child merely because he/she is an easy target. Very often the child takes it in his/her stride and a mother’s outbursts are not taken seriously but there have been instances of a mother’s attitude and outlook that have had an adverse effect on a child’s personality and perspective. It is therefore a mother’s duty to take care that she does not rub in her own disappointments onto her children to the extent of affecting their lives.

Sujaya was an ambitious mother and although her husband was not a high ranking officer she nursed hopes of educating her daughters well and ensuring a bright future for them. Being ambitious was one thing but constantly drilling into their minds that they deserved the best in life and that their lives should never be like her own was something else. The disappointment that she felt at being a middle class housewife rubbed into her daughters and they in turn chose to look down upon anyone who was not so well placed in life. When the question of marriage arose, no proposal seemed good enough. If the boy was well placed in life, he had to support ageing parents. If his parents had enough resources to take care of their expenses and the boy himself was earning a good salary, his English had a Bihari/ Bengali accent and he was not considered suitable. The boy’s sisters were snobs or the mother seemed dominating. The father was just a clerk or the quarter allotted to him was meant for workers and supervisors and it was impossible to adjust to life in his home. This went on and on and at no stage did their mother explain to them that it was not possible to find a perfect groom. It was unfortunate that the girls had a skewed idea of human relationship and marriage. While the older one found herself a matured partner who was able to bring about a positive change in her attitude, the younger one was not so lucky. Her marriage failed and ended in a divorce.

Bamini had a tough time at the hands of her parents in law. In fact the entire household including her husband would tremble at the sight of her domineering father in law. It was no wonder that she filled her daughter’s mind with negative thoughts about one’s in laws. Her daughter today is suspicious even when her mother in law showers genuine affection on her. She feels that there had to be an ulterior motive behind the seemingly kind behavior on her mother in law or sister in law’s part.

There are many other examples that come to my mind where I’ve felt that had a little caution and self - control been exercised by parents, their children would be better adjusted individuals. A father who humiliates the mother in the presence of his children, a mother who suppresses facts or lies to her husband or a parent who supports a child when he/she is wrong are all accountable for the kind of adults they become later.

No one is perfect and this applies both to parents and children. The reaction to a particular circumstance also varies with individuals. The mother who is at the receiving end may evoke sympathy. However, she could also be considered a weakling and as being responsible for the situation. The daughter who watches her being abused may turn out be an aggressive individual.

What then is the solution? I am no counselor but I do feel that two adults committed to each other by marriage as well as members of the extended family on both sides should be mutually respectful, at least once children arrive. I know of a lady in her seventies who has an only son. It is to her credit that none have heard her complain about her daughter in law. The girl is just picking up the nuances of house keeping and very often messes up things. The mother in law understands, that with all her faults, she is an important person in her son’s life and mother to her dear grandchildren. She therefore needs to be treated with love and affection. Criticizing her or constant faultfinding will not help. Accepting her for the person she happened to be and gently trying to initiate her into the customs of the family without imposing her own will on her would perhaps bring about a positive change in her attitude and very soon she would be a second daughter to her.

I end with a story that my mother loved to repeat-

A woman has four daughters and an only son who is the youngest among her children. The son gets married and the daughters who have arrived for the marriage advice their mother to treat the new bride well – ‘like one among them’ to quote their words. The mother is all too willing to pamper the daughter in law. The daughters leave and the house is back to normal. One afternoon the woman is heating milk for the afternoon coffee when the postman arrives bringing a letter from her mother. She calls out to her daughter in law asking her to keep an eye on the milk and starts reading the letter. The daughter in law has either not heard her or did not take her words seriously, the milk boils over and the kitchen is in a mess. The woman gets upset and starts cleaning up. She is also cross at her daughter in law for being careless and asks her to pay more attention in future. She then prepares coffee and takes it to her DIL’s room and finds her sitting on her bed and sobbing.

“Am I not supposed to say even this?” she asks her husband. “After all I would have said the same had it been one of my daughters in her place.”

“You cannot take the same liberty with your daughter in law as with your daughter” advises her husband. “ You can pamper your daughter in law as much as you want but you have to wait for a while before you take the liberty of admonishing her. She needs time to accept you as her mother. Right now you are just her mother in law.”

He was indeed correct and this story is true in every relationship. One needs to give it time to grow. And like any other relationship, motherhood also need to grow and develop along with one's children!

Teen Troubles?

2010-04-14T19:42:00.016+05:30

I have an acquaintance who has a 9 year old son studying in a reputed school in town. The boy, it seems is unable to concentrate in class and lags behind in academics. While I feel he should be given more time to realize the need to put his heart into his work, his mother's anxiety was equally justified.

"Not a day goes by without my getting upset didi." she said. "Give him a mobile phone - the very latest model - he will understand its functions in no time. He is equally comfortable using the computer and would keep playing computer games all day if he could. But ask him to sit for an hour with his books and he finds all sorts of excuses to avoid working on his home work. Rarely does he note down his home work and completes it on his own. I have to stay up till 11 at night after finishing my work and personally check if he has understood his lessons and completeted the assignments given to him. I took him to a counsellor and she says that he is fine and is just plain lazy. She wants me to stop helping him and let him fail his class tests once or twice. You will see that he will learn to work on his own. He would certainly not wish to be left behind while his class mates move on."

I wonder if it is that simple. A cousin of mine was very good at sports and other extra curricular activities. He was not a bright spark in academics but managed to pass his exams without any extra coaching. But of course in our times academics could not be compromised and no one cared if he played basket ball well enough to represent the school team. Or that he was a good orator and possessed excellent social skills. The boy had no option but to feign illness. He'd come home complaining of head aches and would want to sleep in a dimly lit room. His parents got an eye test done but the specialist in his home town could not make out what his problem was. He was referred to a famous ophthalmogist in Chennai who realized that the boy was actually trying to avoid his studies and home work and trying to gain sympathy by pretending to have some severe eye problem. In reality there was nothing wrong with his eyesight. Constant nagging by his mother regarding his average class performance was driving him nuts and lack of appreciation for his co curricular activities was equally frustrating. Luckily the eye specialist counselled his parents and they realized their mistake and made amends well in time and today the boy is happily married and doing very well in life.

Another little boy known to me was a natural left hander. His mother thought that it was somehow wrong to allow him to write with his left hand. At a very tender age she would insist on him writing with the right hand. The boy found it difficult to write with the right hand and his writing would be barely legible. With time he did overcome the problem but his initial years in school were nothing to remember by. He lacked speed in writing and would never finish his class work in time or note down his home work. His mother would go to the house of a class mate to make a note of his home work and the little boy would often act pricey. His mother would find sadistic pleasure in making her wait saying that her son needed to finish his home work and could give her his book only after that. The mother would vent her anger on the little boy and immediately compare him with his smarter younger sister. I agree that with the passage of time and a lot of help from his mother the boy finally answered his boards and came out with flying colors. But I also wonder if a lot of frustration could have been avoided if only the boy had been allowed to use his left hand and let him be as nature had made him. I am perhaps over reacting but I do feel that the importance accorded to academics is quite a burden on our youngsters. This is exactly why I welcome the proposal by the CBSE board that a student be assessed not only by his/her curricular proficiency but also take into consideration, their extra and co - curricular interests and give due credit to these too.

We recently had a seminar on "Teen age suicides - a burning problem faced by society". Some of the points highlighted were interesting. Not all these suicides are the result of unrealistic parental expectations. But some are. Our teen agers are facing tough competition and a lot of peer pressure. They may not show it but they do realize that parents spend much beyond their means to educate them and it is not easy for a child to say that he/she would prefer to study a subject of his/her choice at a pace suited to them. As a result we have a generation of engineers who would rather be free lancers and/or doctors who'd rather take up a research oriented career. So it is imperative for parents to refrain from imposing their will on their wards and support them in their choice in whatever way they can.

A family friend had two sons who are into biological research at an age when their friends are minting money as IT professionals. Both the boys got admission to medical colleges but refused to join. Their parents encouraged them to follow the dictates of their heart. But their extended family was heard to whisper that the boys were perhaps poor students who had no option but to work as poorly paid research scholars. After all did not the soft and hard ware jobs absorb even the average and below average students and train them for jobs? All this talk of the boys being oriented towards research went over their heads. According to them the boys were worse than the very average among their peers. So what if they qualified for the prestigious Junior Research Fellowship/ scholarship grant and worked under eminent advisors and guides or if they published paper after paper in internationally recognized journals? They were dudds and that was it. In fact the older among them could not get married initially because parents of eligible girls found his scholarship money inadequate for their daughters. The boy is now happily married to a fellow research scholar who understands his passion for research work. So, at least in his case, rejection actually worked in his favor. To be stuck up with a demanding wife would have been worse than remaining a bachelor all his life.

Well, all I can say is this. Each child is unique and deserve to be treated thus. Let us be their props if possible. If not, let us not act as their detractors. They'd be better off without us deciding for them and on their behalf.

Is happiness a relative phenomenon?

2010-04-02T20:48:00.011+05:30

The visitor hasn't visited me for a while now but she was kind enough to forward this article (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/30/opinion/30brooks.html?src=me&ref=homepage) to me by mail. I had been thinking of something along the very lines recently and this article just endorsed my opinion on the definition of happiness. This particular line from the article caught my attention. I quote -

'The overall impression from this research is that economic and professional success exists on the surface of life, and that they emerge out of interpersonal relationships, which are much deeper and more important'.

I had written a post on a story -(http://hiphopgmom.blogspot.com/2010/03/happy-womens-day.html ) that Dr. Mahalik narrated during a seminar in our college. the gist of the story is that women are happy when man's will is not imposed on them and they are allowed to deal with life's situation in their own way and as they deem fit and appropriate. I happened to refer to the story while talking to a friend. what she told me set me thinking.

"My husband had always allowed me to do things just as I wished and he had absolute trust in my discretionary powers. I wanted my name to be included as middle names for my sons and he heartily welcomed the idea. Whenever we had visitors at home he'd arrange for extra domestic help and never expect me to compromise on my time or schedule. We were never hard up for money and our children were above average and gave us no cause for concern. Yet, I was not happy. I wanted him to give me more of his time but thatwas one thing he could not spare. He had a busy scedule and was always helping someone or the other during his free time. So while the story makes a lot of sense it is not applicable to all. Individual needs vary and happiness is a relative term''. She said.

What is it that makes the world a happy place? Money and material things that money is able to buy do not give happiness. The pleasure felt when one progresses materialistically in life does not last long. I remember an incidence that took place within a month of my joining college. We had an examination and since an invigilator was absent I was asked to substitute. A week later I was paid Rs. 6/- as remuneration and this came as a surprise because I was not even aware that invigilation duty fetched extra remuneration. I remember thinking to myself that I would go home by share auto that day instead of the usual mini bus. I suddenly felt rich. I do not recollect whether I really took an auto rickshaw to get home. But I do recall the happiness I felt on getting an extra remuneration of Rs. 6/- and on being able to afford a return trip by share auto. Such joy is not felt now when I commute by my own car. There are several entrance exams held on Sundays for which we are sometimes given a remuneration of upto Rs. 350/- per sitting. But the Rs. 6/- that I first received stands apart and is very special. So perhaps money fetches happiness only if it is obtained when its need is acutely felt.

With my children settled I should be reasonably happy because I do not have to worry about them. And in fact I am happy for them as well as for myself. But moments of depression do set in when I wonder if I was wrong in aiming high for them. Would it have been better if they lived at an accessible distance rather than aim for the skies? My mother in law was happy to have a son take up a job with Tata Steel and with the family being able to continue to avail TISCO's quarter and medical facility every one was overjoyed. So even with only the basic requirements being taken care of one can be truly happy. But then that brings on another question equally relevant. If one did not aim high how would one progress? Would not lack of ambition cause dissatisfaction and be cause for unhappiness of a different kind?

What then is the solution? A fine balance perhaps. Improving of inter - personal relationships as the article points out and building up mutual trust with those around us may be the answer. Training the mind to look for happiness even in adverse conditions is not easy. However it is not impossible either. Bad as your lot may be, there are many who are worse. A look at them -not with disdain but with concern - is enough to make one realize that even under the circumstances one can find reason to be happy if only one tried.

Happiness unfortunately is not available in super markets and five star hotels. It is just a state of the mind. Unhappiness is the result of a wrong perception of the circumstances. It is here that I admire an aquaintance of mine. She works as a ward girl in a hospital and when her neighbor's daughter got married she gifted 10,000 rupees to her. She borrowed the amount from her provident fund account and repaid it with interest. On the other hand I've heard the wives of high ranking officer's who may never have traveled by public transport in town or by economic class while flying, actually taking home apples and dry fruits that foreign donors send for a government run orphanage for tribal children. They are the one's who are after the accountant ad finance officer's to find out when their arrears would be released and behave as if their lives depended on the money that was due. To my mind the ward girl who I see returning from a night shift when I go for my morning walk spreads more joy than others who have access to a luxurious life.

Let us then try to look for happiness in little things and remember that a society needs happy men and women rather than a wealthy but dissatisfied lot.